Him.

Monday, April 27th, 2020

Have you ever met someone you wanted to take home to meet your parents? It wasn't until my last relationship that I wanted to bring someone home. Not because those in the past weren't good candidates, but because it just didn't feel right in my heart to do it. But, this last time around my heart was wide open. Have you ever talked about past traumas with someone that you normally wouldn't? See that's the thing, when you meet someone and you get along like you had known each other for years, its something so special it needs to be held on to.

I remember after meeting him, I went to church, I prayed ... I prayed because I was beyond thankful that god could bring someone so uniquely special into my life. The thing that stood out to me was our differences as people, I always knew I didn't want to be with someone who was like me, I wanted to have common interests, but I wanted us to be different. Why? Because things could never be boring that way, that way we could always be learning from one another and that would lead to growth.

Something that always stood out when it came to meeting him, was the statement I made at lunch. I said We would have never been friends in high school - then and now ... we were two completely different people, we ran in opposite circles, our lives would never have crossed on purpose. It was apart of my journey that God sent him into my life when he did, I sent him to teach me things. I learned so much about myself, I learned to step out of my comfort zone, I did things I had never done before and that as because I was holding myself back. I had thrill, he provided me adventure, and excitement ... I was learning to look at life differently.

It wasn't just want I got out of it - but for the first time he learned what it was like to be loved, to be cared for. He learned what it was like to have someone be there and support him. While a foreign concept to me, it was something he needed. In a sense it provided comfort. Our differences are what helped as an understanding. We had known that we were different people, but we never label each other or judged ourselves because of our pasts. If anything, it helped me understand why he did the things he had done - though I don't think he realized why I did the things I did all the time.

I know what it's like to be cheated on, to be lied to for months. I know what it's like to date someone who has two girlfriends and find out because he double booked himself for a date at the same place with both girls. I've dated someone who wasn't every kind, who had a dark soul. I even dated someone who made it their job to make me feel worthless. So trust me ... I've got the track record of horrific dating experiences - but I've never let that taint my view on love.

If anything I've let it help me adapt how I love, I know what my past relationships were missing, and I am more than willing and eager to provide those things to my future partner. In this case, I realized some people aren't ready to love, aren't ready to accept what is right in front of them. They don't know what to do with genuine love, care, and affection. With someone who is supportive, who reaches out, who cares. It is a partners job to show you through words and actions their love for you. That is what I do wholeheartedly every time I start a relationship, I am giving them the benefit of the doubt that they will not hurt me ... but unfortunately it hasn't happened yet where I didn't end up broken, just a little more than I was when they found me.

I always pick myself up and put myself back together that's what healing and growth is, but I still carry around the chips on my shoulders that they have left me with. I won't change how I love, but I will change my approach, I adapt. I will never apologize for sitting there when you needed someone to talk to, or to be a shoulder to cry on. I'll never apologize for making sure you got to work , or for asking if you got home safely. I will never stop asking if you want to talk about it, or for you to tell me what is bothering you. It is because I care, I want to listen, I want to help you problem solve if I can. I just want to see you happy. I want to support you because I am your biggest fan, your cheerleader, the one who sees the potential you might not see in yourself.

For some caring can seem like it is too much, like it is smothering. But, that is because they had never experienced it before, it is an adjustment, a learning curve. I will never stop caring, to the person who did me wrong all those years ago - if he called me today and needed help I'd be there in a heartbeat. It is because I believe people can change, and everyone deserves a second chance. I give them the benefit of the doubt. I don't sit around waiting for people to change, I want to see the steps they take to improve themselves, and hopefully I am still in their life to see it. Though it isn't always like that - I've had people contact me and thank me later on down the line, I've had people reconnect and come back into my life. I never want someone I care about to be a stranger, so I will never cut them out ... it is their choice at the end of the day to stop talking to me, but I will never be the one to force us to become strangers again.

I've been asked why I haven't changed, not in the sense that I haven't changed since high school, because boy am I a different person than I was back than - but in the sense that I've never stop caring about people. I had to think about it for a while to come up with an answer and than I realized because I have a huge heart, I have so much love to give, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I choose not to see the world as this mean and cold world because there is enough negativity out there for that. I choose to see it as a place for growth, potential, and change. I want to add hope, love, and kindness back into the world, even if that means touching peoples lives individually.

I can love someone from a far and from near. I don't have to talk to you everyday to care about you. I don't need to see you everyday to love you, and I surely don't need to be with you in order to care or worry about you and your well being. It is just who I am and that won't change. I'll always be here for them, even if we hadn't talked in months. I'd still come if you needed someone to help you with something - and I'd never block you out of my life. You are apart of my story and I am just as important in yours. We have a chapter that we wrote together, I'm just not the one who decided to close ours and end it for now. So many things I'd love to tell you, I'd love to include you in ... but for now I have to trust in god that you'll find your way back, that the timing wasn't right for you. But you could never convince me that someone would love you more than me, that it is possible for someone to care about you more than I did, and still do.

Have you ever met someone who would do anything for? That you knew in your heart that they were meant to be in your life ... even if the timing was off? Have you ever prayed for someone's wellbeing and for God to look out for them because you aren't with them? Trust me, when you cross paths with someone who you've felt like you've known your whole life even with your differences, hold on to hope. Don't give up on them, trust that God is using this time and space to help them grow, and to open their eyes to what is right in front of them. Continue to live your life, don't stop or put plans on hold. Keep moving forward, but don't let go. I have faith they will be walking along side you again, it is all apart of the journey, and sometimes paths separate just to come back together again. If I've learned anything during Quarantine it is to not hold on to anything, say everything you've been wanting to say because the world could end tomorrow and you don't want to regret not taking that risk or telling that person how you feel about them, or how much they mean to you. He taught me to never have any regrets ... make sure you don't.