What has changed?

Wednesday, February 15, 2023

Have you ever just had 'one of those days' an old friend from a different part of your life contacts you after going a long period of time without talking because 'something made them think of you'. Well I had one of those days today, with a person who played an important role in my 'younger' years middle thru high school. It's always nice to catch up or see what they want, but it also always provides some weird coincidence or lesson with it.

Today I heard from that one person, who for the last fifteen years has come in and out, but been a constant in support and encouragement. Today's topic was the quarter life crisis. I've always been the older one and since I've already gone through the 1/4 life crisis eight months prior to them, they wanted some insight. While I do enjoy being the one someone comes to for things like that - it gave me a chance to reflect myself on the things I've learned, experienced, and been through in the last twenty-five years. But more specifically the timing of this call was uncanny. February always seems to be the month that changes the story line / plot to what is currently going on in my life. Let's go back four years, which is a pretty standard period of time.

February 2019 I was preparing to have surgery to remove cancer, which I was diagnosed with the month prior. I hadn't told this person I was sick because I didn't know how they'd take it. Opting to put a statement on Facebook, knowing it would get to them eventually. Then a phone call, after nearly two and a half years, the familiar name popped up, worried, and scared more so than I thought they'd be. I didn't think it would impact them that much, but here they were offering to help with groceries, or errands, just trying to be there for me. I of course being 'hyper independent' didn't accept the help. But, it was nice to know I impacted someones life so much that they were mad that, "something like this was happening to someone like me". I was content with whatever my fate was, and there was no use in being angry or upset. I am a believer in signs and I think having surgery on this persons birthday was good luck because I know they have always been a lucky person in my life.

February 2020 has nothing to do with Covid (that was still a month away from shutting things down). This memory and reflection has to do with a lesson I learned the hard way. I lost what I thought was a best friend, and my relationship in the same week. This is one of those 'snap memories' that make it hard to forget the events that unfolded. Imagine your senior year of undergrad, and it's your formal. You'd expect your significant other to show up as planned, well unfortunately for me, I've learned to expect the unexpected. Sometimes things don't workout the way they should. But, I do believe that God removes people from our lives, because he's seen and heard things we haven't and it's his way of showing us. This was the month I realized I was in a relationship with someone incapable of being in one, and thats okay - but the thing is, you shouldn't ignore the red flags. The lessons that proceeded my senior formal was a dark time but by summer I had crawled out of the hole I put myself in.

February 2021 was the marker of tough love. My uncle, who I've always been closed to called me and told me to "get my shit together" and that I needed to "straighten up my house and home" and that does not me a physical dwelling. What he meant was I needed to pull it together. I had just started law school, and that was going great, what wasn't going great was my personal life. I needed to tie up some lose ends and leave somethings in the past. It got to the point where I needed to just accept things happen and we have to move on from it. I needed to accept that some people can't be helped if they don't want help for themselves. But, I did gain a really cool friend out of the end of that relationship, and I still hang out with his little sister. Sometimes tough love is the only way someones going to hear things they don't want to accept.

February 2022 had to be the one that takes the cake! Imagine going to a formal school function where your partner chooses to cheat on you openly in public, without any regard for you. The thing is people who do things like that not only have no respect for themself but the other person as well. Being cheated on publicly has to be one of the 'most humbling' experiences. Not to mention believing the bullshit excuse and staying after it happened. The month that made me a clown. But is also the month I found out an ex of mine was clean and sober, and he helped me through the cheating fiasco. Funny how the tide turns, and things work out the way they do.

It was so interesting hearing from this person today asking how things were going. I could continue a pattern and look at February 2023 and find a negative. But, honestly that mindset and mentality is out dated. I know everything happens for a reason - and God is full of lessons along the way, our journey is meant to have obstacles. This February I look at 1/4 life crisis I was 'meant to have' but I can only think of positives. I had the best academic semester of my law school career in Fall 2022, I got my scholarship reinstated, I moved up in class rank, I got a Cali award, and one of my papers is being published. Not to mention I was offered a dream job/opportunity that I formally accepted.

I may be 25 and society may say I should have certain things by now - but there is no rule book on life. And society is meant to change and evolve. If I had to compare and contrast February 2022 and February 2023 I am in two different places. Feb 2022 I was miserable, ashamed, and embarrassed. I was publicly humiliated in front of my peers, I was dating a drunk cheater, who did nothing but use me and take advantage of me. I was sad, isolating myself, and I couldn't find joy in most things. I was being sneaky and lying to my parents and that is not a person I recognize. However, Feb 2023 is a complete 360. I am 'back to February 2021 me. Just focusing on myself, putting myself first. I know I'm good on my own. I'm doing things that make me happy and I'm not making excuses for not doing things. I'm back in the gym 4-6 days a week, I even got back in the pool to swim. I am focused on doing what makes me happy, whether thats going to the bar to watch the bruins game alone (news flash doing things alone is quite empowering, you don't need to rely on others to do what you want to do. Just go and do it.

As I reflect on what has changed and where I've been the last 5 February's - there are a few life lessons I've learned in 25 years, that I am grateful to have learned and take with me into the next 1/4 of my life.

1. The only person you have to love in this world is YOU! Loving yourself is a beautiful thing, and you shouldn't try to love someone else, until you love who you are. Inside and out - it's important to know your worth and your value.

2. Some people are in your life for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. If someone wants to walk out of your life and away from you, don't beg, don't accept less, hold the door open for them on their way out. Sometimes God hears/sees things you don't and removes people for you.

3. Some people come back around. It is possible to grow apart and then grow back together again, it's important to realize some people are worth letting back in, they have grown and matured - experiencing life. But their actions mean more than their words - you'll know if they've really changed.

4. Make time for yourself, being alone isn't a negative thing. Being content with yourself and your company is a sign of growth. Go to the bar and watch the hockey game, do whatever you want to do - even if you have to do it alone. You never know what will happen or who you'll meet - but there is always a story to take away.

5. Self care is not something you should feel guilty about. IF you feel guilty than you aren't allowing yourself to decompress. Self care can take on many forms but sometimes you just need to do nothing in order to recharge.

6. It is okay NOT to drink, don't feel pressured especially in social situations to consume something you don't want to. Society doesn't control what you do, and drinking doesn't make you cool. Make responsible decisions and do what is best for you.

7. Chase your dreams, no matter how far fetched you might think they are. Nothing is too out of reach as long as you believe and work toward it. Strive to be better than before.

8. You will lose faith at one point. But, always remember God doesn't leave you, he's always in front, behind, and beside you. You'll find your way back, and when you do, it'll be overwhelming finding your way home, but it'll be as if you never left. Embrace and develop your relationship.

9. Your family will always be there for you. No matter how long you go without talking, time heals and things mend. Blood is thicker than water, and they will always be in your corner. Sometimes it just takes being the bigger person and extending the olive branch to initiate the tough conversations.

10. Find a reason to smile every day, laughter is important and you need to find the joy and positive in every situation. Things aren't always as bad as they seem. Things are temporary and nothing is permanent so don't get down on yourself.

11. You are your biggest critic. Be kind to yourself, you wouldn't let your friends be spoken to the way you speak to yourself - sometimes you need to give yourself some grace, and just take a breath. Being so hard on yourself isn't going to do any good it is wasted energy.

12. Ask for help, it is not a sign of weakness. If anything it is a sign of strength, you are not meant to go through life baring everything on your own. Help is something we all not only need, but deserve to have.

13. Be consistent, show up for yourself. You want to work out - make time, prioritize it. That is the only way you won't neglect things, is by making it apart of your routine and habits. Consistence shows you have grit which translates to discipline and dedication.

14. If he wanted to he would. No matter how hard you try or how much you give, sometimes people don't have the capacity to give you what you want, need, and deserve. That isn't a reflection of you, its a reflection on them. Don't stick around somewhere you aren't wanted. At the first sign of disrespect you leave; never let a man show you twice he doesn't value or respect your presence.

15. Your needs are important. Communicate what you need, and what is lacking. Nothing will change if you keep it to yourself and don't tell someone what you need. Once you do that, if things don't change and actions don't match the words - then you know it is time to move forward.

16. You deserve a call you anytime kind of love. A "just cause" kind of love. A 'I miss your voice' and want to see you kind of love. A love that you might have given up on. But trust me it's out there. Pray on it, your person exists, you don't know how, or when, or who but when the time is right God will put them in your life. Don't give up - and most importantly don't close off your hard. Being cold and closed off isn't going to get you anywhere It's just going to push people away and you will be hurting yourself.

17. Take the risk and be vulnerable. The worst that can happen is it doesn't work out - but it is better than the what ifs that follow if you don't shoot your shot. Say yes, to as many experiences as you can. You don't want to miss out on something because you allowed fear to take over.

18. Quit overthinking, the scenarios you are creating are only making you anxious. Don't let them control you. Remind yourself that what will be will be, what is meant for us will happen. And everything else is out of our control. Worrying and thinking of the worst case scenario will only make things unnecessarily worse. Breathe, count, and close your eyes - recenter yourself.

19. Healing takes time, and it isn't linear. Trauma will always be there but it doesn't define you. You have to unlearn the survival behavior you embraced during those traumatic times - you will not always be in survival mood. Allow yourself to feel things, express yourself - and know that a safe environment is out there. What you've been through makes you who you are, unique, special, and remember God doesn't give you more than you can carry; he gives his toughest soldiers the hardest battles and burdens to carry. You are strong than you believe.

20. Be vulnerable, while scary - your scars are your battle wounds, and they make you who you are. It isn't something to be ashamed of. You have a lot to teach others, you have a light within you that shines on those around you. Sometimes you forget it; you deserve to be reminded of how special you are. Never change. Don't waste your time comparing yourself to others. There is only one of you.

21. Set your boundaries. Not everyone will respect them, but don't allow yourself to be walked over. Your needs are just as important as someone elses. Make sure to communicate what you need and what you want; so that expectations aren't kept a secret.

22. Old school, old fashion love isn't dead. One day you'll find someone who knows the sidewalk rule, opens the door for you, and remembers to remind you that you're beautiful inside and out. Words of affirmation and quality time still exist; some people forget that there is more than one way to show love, physical touch isn't the only way to intimacy.

23. You never know what someone is going through; so be kind. Ask how they are, and check in with them. Be persistent to make sure they know they aren't alone and they are supported. Asking someone how they are, or about there day seems small, but is bigger than you realize. It shows you care, and are interested in them and not just focused on yourself.

24. Dogs over Cats 100% of the time, there is no arguing with them. And if the person is right, they will 'suffer through' all the 1980's movies your heart desires (sixteen candles, st. Elmos fire, the breakfast club, pretty in pink, the brat pack was legendary!) Sometimes you just need to ask for what you want; speak it into existence and put it into the universe.

25. Your person will be your best friend, a true team. Listen to your real friends they are a good judge on the person you are seeing. In this world you get lucky to have a handful of best friends that become your family; and they only want what is best for you.

* Bonus: You need to take care of yourself, and 'be selfish' your happiness is important too. Stop putting others first all the time - you deserve to put yourself first and be a priority. Be happy, live wild, and don't limit yourself. The world is meant to be explored; and if you have someone to explore it with, even better.

So what has changed? Well I still know someone who knows when I'm avoiding talking about myself. I try to deflect and circle back to put the spotlight on them; and they know me well enough not to allow me to do that. Today a simple, "Thanks for asking; but I want to talk about you though" almost brought me to tears. I'm so used to not being given the 'stage' to talk that I don't bother. I'm used to one sided conversations where I put in the effort and don't always get the same in return. I've been content, but that shouldn't be the way it is.

In my early twenties I've learned of what I don't want, what I won't put up with. I've learned that everyone I've dated has been a lesson, some more painful than others - but nonetheless I'm still standing and I'm still strong from making it through everything thats come my way. I understand why people say you should be alone in your 20s, to discover yourself, see the world. But, sometimes you see the world, and go through alot, sooner than others. I've seen a hell of alot for someone who's 25. I've been through more than most 25 year olds. I've been on my own, provided for myself, and go through some shit. But, I pride myself on still standing, still seeing the good and not losing hope that I'll get that Happily Ever After. Sometimes a hyper independent, self sufficient, woman just wants to feel safe enough to lean on someone - and depend on them. As stupid as it sounds the little girl inside wants to find their Prince Charming, and feel like a Princess. The world is cold, hard, and dark sometime - but if you look past the bleak; you'll see so much more; it's all about your perspective.

While a lot has changed, and people come and go. Some people stay, and some come back. But they are there to remind you of lessons you might have forgotten. Sometimes I forget that while I bring so much to the table, not everyone deserves a seat at mine. And I deserve to receive everything that I'm giving.

I pose you a question: think back to the last 5 February's; reflect on what has changed, and what has stayed the same. See how far you have come! You are human and you are always evolving; you don't always give yourself credit but I bet if you look back - you'll be able to impress yourself - see your light, it's there ... even though people have tried to dim it, you haven't let them permanently. A lot has changed, and alot will continue to change, allow yourself to embrace it. God has a plan, you have choices to make - but the outcome of where you're supposed to be will always end up in the right place.

We all can't be married, with kids, and a house by 25. Sometimes those come later in life, and sometimes those aren't part of our life plan. But, what will be will be, just need to trust God and know what is meant for us will come just in time for when we need it and are ready for it. Don't lose hope, and continue to see the good in the world around you. Head up, chin high, and find a reason to smile; things aren't as bad as you might think.- and not everything is permanent trust the process.