What makes you feel in control?

Sunday, August 21st, 2022

This is a hard question. I've always been the type of person who needed to be "in control" of my life. I always needed to have a plan. I always needed to know what was next. It wasn't until recently that I realized I can happily live in the current moment, take a second to breathe and not worry so much about what comes next. This weekend was the perfect example of that.

I'm used to working 24/7. Recently I took some time off and a step back from working so much. With that being said I had this new found "free time" that I didn't know what to do with. So - this weekend I went to the gym, went to church, started getting things ready for school to start, put together some patio furniture, and spent time with myself. I went to a lady gaga concert on friday with my best friend, I volunteered at a work event saturday, and I took myself to the movies today to finally see the Elvis movie!

To me being in control is no longer this crazy thing. It is doing things that make me happy, its finding reasons to smile, its being able to do something for myself so I can feel a sense of accomplishment. I've had a hard time staying in the groove/routine of things recently - however I've finally gotten myself back in the gym regularly, I've been spending more time outside, and I've been reading more. Having a solid sleep schedule helps too (but thats a secret otherwise my pal at the gym would have his ego grow if he knew something he said was right).

To me control is no longer having all the answers, its no longer feeling like I need to know all the details. It's about having a rough plan, that allows me to be adaptable with whatever comes my way. I don't need to have 10 steps ahead of me planned out anymore. But I do have boundaries and expectations that I won't let someone cross - and that is on growth. I used to let people push and cross boundaries because i didnt want to say anything and start a problem, but in those moments my needs weren't being meant and I compromised on something that was hurtful to me. I won't do that anymore. I know what I want and I'm not going to be settling for anything less ... and thats the measurement. I will never settle and if i do i know im not only not in control i know i am giving up on what is out there that is meant for me.

To me being in control is having my life in order. My uncle said going into law school I needed to get my house in order to be successful. This meant my mind my body my soul it was all connected. I was letting my personal bleed into my educational and that wasn't healthy. Being in control is knowing not everything is perfect but it will workout the way it is meant to, just gotta trust the process. With that being said I do like to be in control of my life, I'm very much a type A perfectionist who is always way too hard on myself.

So it is no shock I Don't want to be in control in the bedroom if you are catching my drift. I want to be able to relax and release my divine masculine energy and surrender to my divine feminine side. I don't always get to do that, I'm so used to providing for myself and being independent that i forget what it is like to be taken care of., its so foreign to me. In a perfect world my ideal partner would help make my life alittle easier and support me the way I support him. And every once in a while he'll throw me $60 and tell me to go treat myself and get my nails done because he thinks i deserve it. I truly am not complicated I am a simple gal who wants very little honestly, a little more than the bare minimum would be nice for once.

Anyway! I realized being in control all the time make me headstrong and caused more stress and anxiety in my life, i was so uptight and constantly worrying I didn't get to enjoy life and live in the moment which is something I am trying to do more of lately! What does control look like to you in your life? How would you define control from your perspective? Has control shifted in your life to look completely different?