Joy

Sunday, May 03rd, 2020

I woke up this morning at 7:30, it was the first time I had been up before 10 in nearly two to three weeks, sometimes it is hard to keep time with quarantine going on. But, I did - I got up early, for the first time in probably two months I changed my routine, I did things differently just by getting up. I didn't check my phone, yes I turned off my alarm but I didn't scroll, swipe, or open any apps. I started the morning with a podcast instead of music. I went right upstairs to start my morning routine, take my medication (you know not having a thyroid gotta make sure I take care of myself), I brushed my teeth, focused on skin care, and than got dressed.

Once I was finished I finished the podcast I had woke up to and decided I should be productive, so I threw in a load of laundry that I had been putting off for probably two weeks, I found a really cool HIIT workout I could do at home ... it wasn't the same as going to the gym but it was really nice to get moving again! Once I was done I went to help my mom run to her least favorite place - a wholesale warehouse for groceries and other essentials. Then I came home and helped her put it away. Instead of going to my room like I usually would have I went to help my friend who needed me. I got to spend some time with Scout the best doggo in the world, he's literally the only manz I need in life because he is the goodest of boys.

I went for a drive, than I came home and went for a run. I know who am I ... two workouts in one day. I had to take advantage of the beautiful weather especially while it lasts, and it was nice to get in some fresh air. I changed things up I choose to listen to a podcast versus music while running and it was nice to have something to think about. We had our usually family dinner, and then watched a recording of the daily mass to worship tonight since we were busy running errands this morning. Something about praying as a family and making the time to take out thirty minutes of our day really centered our wondering minds and calmed our worried hearts. I ended my day reading a book, how old fashion - there is something about holding a physical copy of a book that really is rewarding.

Once I was done I figured it was time to hope on the interwebs for a bit before getting ready for bed. This morning I woke up hopefully that today would be a better day ... and it was. I found joy in the things that mattered most, I was able to not just be happy but content. I appreciated everything I did because it was done for me. Today is day one, day one to a stronger, more compassionate, kinder me. I was able to get a glimpse of the things I had been missing out on and taking advantage of. I was able to find joy in the world around me. I reached out to people I hadn't talked to ... I choose today to find the joy in what was around me. I had been missing out on things because I was okay with wallowing, I was okay with feeling sorry for myself. But, today I felt like I had a new start, I was awakened, I felt like I had a chance to get back to me, the chore of how I am.

Growth takes time, but it was the first day in probably two months that I didn't want to cry, I didn't want to make excuses for why certain things happened, or why things are the way they are. I found the joy in who I am, and what I have surrounding me in life. I found the joy in my family, I found the joy in my best friend of thirteen years. I found the joy in realizing I have the power to control how I feel and how each day will do. We get new beginnings, each day that we wake up is a new chance to learn, a new chance at being better - a chance at not being stuck in the past or choosing to continue going around in circles. Acceptance is what I came away with today.

I've chosen to accept how things are, I know I can't hope things to be a certain way. All I can do is accept that I have the power to change myself and that is all I need to do. I've accepted my challenge to take this time to work on myself, to work to strength the foundation of who I am, and to heal from the cracks that formed. I know I am not perfect, and while I my have the best intentions I can't do the work to help everyone, I am only in control of myself. So I will say, it felt great to throw all the alcohol I had away, I don't need it to numb anything, I'd rather feel it so I can process and work through it so I dont take anything like that into the future where I could hurt someone else. I would never want to involve someone in my baggage. I am working on myself so when I cross paths with someone I am healed, I am ready, and I am the best version of myself. I'd never choose to commit to someone unless I was ready, because it isn't fair to them to get involved in my mess or be a rebound - I don't want to be apart of "the problem" or the chain. Hurt people .. hurt people. I don't want to hurt anyone going further, I want to know what I need to work on, deal with it, and then move forward.

It isn't about physical toughness this time around, it is about mental toughness - it is about working through the mental road blocks, and getting past them. I know there will be days I don't want to get up or days I'd rather do anything but run in the rain but those are the days that will mean the most and will matter. I am not going to give up easily I am a fighter, I fight for what I want, I fight for what makes me happy. I find the joy in a challenge and I accept the journey I am walking on. Day one started off as a cake walk but I know not everyday will be that way. I just need to keep my eyes focused on the end goal and the light at the end of the tunnel. Have you ever taken the time to focus on yourself? Have you felt guilty for doing so? I'd say do one thing, choose one thing and do it for yourself everyday because that time you focus on yourself will make you feel better ... and I dare to say it pick up a book, read - step away from our devices, phones and social media. Today was the first day I did not log into instagram or snapchat and it felt liberating. I know I will limit my social media use from now on because I know I can function without it.