Amends

Monday, May 04th, 2020

Sometimes all we can do is reach out and make amends - try to fix the wrong we have done, and the hurt we have caused. I've had time to think about things, and I've also had some tough love. Over the last two months I have definitely not been the best friend to those who have stuck around and continued to be my friend. I was really selfish, I stopped checking in on those who checked in on me. I wasn't reaching out to them. I was pushing people away, I was ignoring them, I was even icing them out of my life. I was being self centered. I was projecting my issues out onto other people.

I hate hurting the people in my life, it is disappointing that I was capable of doing that. I wasn't listening, I was continuing to go around in circles on something that I should have just let go of. I changed, I let a situation change me to be someone I wasn't. I'm not a mean person, but when I didn't like something someone would say to me I would get defensive I'd make excuses for the person or why it was okay. I was not only hurting the people around me I was hurting myself. I was allowing myself to be manipulated and in return I was ugly to others. I would yell and argue with my parents, I would ignore and push away my friends who I had been friends with for nearly a decade. I wasn't someone I liked, and I surely wasn't not someone they liked to have around.

It took having a wake up call to realize I couldn't have a pity party anymore I couldn't wallow because something didn't pan out - I had to pick myself up and own up to my mistakes, my behavior, I needed to apologize and make amends. I needed to explain myself, not try to make excuses for it - but I needed to give people answers and tell them really what was going on. I needed to apologize and own up to it. Now we all know actions speak louder than words and that is true. I know I'll have to work hard to make amends and make it up to those that I hurt while I was being self destructive, but I know it is only fair. I owe that to them, I owe them the effort to make things right.

I'm not perfect, I've made mistakes - I thought I knew it all. I thought I knew what was best, and clearly by how things turned out that is simply not true at all. I should have listened to my friends who had an outside prospective, I should have accepted their help and insight. I should not have ignored the red flags, or make excuses for them. I tried to have an explanation to reason for everything that was happening and honestly that was so dumb on my part. I should have realized that some people are just shitty, and their attitude rubs off on other people. My mom said she noticed I changed I was always anxious, on edge, I was always snapping back on people. I didn't realize that someone could negatively impact me and the energy I gave off. But, my mom - like always was right. I was mean, I was upset, and sad, and when I wasn't I was angry. I had no business taking out what I was feeling or going through on other people. But, I did ... because that was what was happening to me.

I've been in situations before where I lost myself and becoming a shell of who you are is not something anyone wants to see or experience. I should have listened to my friends who saw it happening, but I didn't want to believe it ... I wanted to believe what they were saying or seeing wasn't true. But, now that I've removed myself I do see they were right. I was being manipulated, taken advantage of, I was just a rebound that someone was keeping around to make them selves feel better, and when that stopped they were over it. We all have issues and baggage, and I was naive and thought the signs and red flags I knew were there weren't important. But .. now I know I should never over look them again. I know better than to not listen to the people who care about me.

For those who went through this with me, I couldn't have gotten through it alone. I wouldn't have come out of it on the other side if it wasn't for the patience, the support, and just being there for me. I know I've got a lot to make up for. I need to make amends, I need to show you that I am the same friend you thought I lost. I'm starting to not only feel like the old me again but I am starting to act like it too. I feel my light growing and no longer dimming. I know I dont want to grow apart from people, I dont want to drift. I want to keep the important people close, because friends are the family we choose and I know that ya'll are special for putting up with me at my worst. I know I can't change for someone, I can't change to make a relationship work. I need to be true to who I am and know that at the end of the day who I am is enough. I'll expose myself, and own up for the crap I've done, but that is because if I don't I can't begin making amends. I am focused on healing and mending the relationships that I strained because I owe that to them. I'm done going in circles, I am done being self-destructive. I am ready to let go of feeling like the blame of that situation lays on me because it doesn't. I am letting go the anger and the hurt and I am looking at the situation with a new prospective that there just wasn't anything I could have done to help or changed the outcome because I did what I could. It is time to walk away.