Baby Steps

Thursday, May 07th, 2020

It has been a really long time since my bother and I spent time together. We had gotten into a blow up argument earlier this week, but today we went on a hike which lasted 1.5 hours. We didn't kill each other once and we really cleared the air. We talked about all the things we hadn't wanted to address with each other and it really helped each of us understand one another better. It helped up air the dirty laundry and the resentment we might have been holding on to.

The hardest thing about having a twin, is sharing everything with them, sharing experiences, sharing a day with them so it is never truly just about you. We really talked about things that we have done to each other, and it was so nice just to understand one another a little better since we really hadn't done that. We have always been polar opposites, very very different people. Things I did were not things he did. We always were on opposite sides of events, issues, and activities. It was really important to talk about the things that we did to each other that bothered us.

It was nice to clear the air, so we could talk about things. It was so nice to talk about the things we both have been dealing with, it is the first time we have lived in the same house together for one than a month in over two years. It is hard to adjust, and learn to live with someone again, to coexist but more than that to get along. We both have had our own lives, we have grown apart, and we didn't know how to communicate with each other again. Us being so different it really made it hard to understand one another, our thinking, made our thought processes different. We had different schedules and routines - it was easy to get short with each other rather then just talk it out and try to compromise.

It was this afternoon that I realized I only have one brother, we may not always see eye to eye - but at the end of the day we are family and family is forever. We only have each other and I couldn't image going through life without him, especially because I dont know a life where that is the reality. Today we were talking about how growing up, even now - people think I am the older twin. But, the truth is he is older than me ... I'm just slightly taller! He told me, back when we were four "we had an agreement" he said it was easier for people to think I was olde because I was taller. So - I developed the more dominant personality - he was always quieter, more subtle personality.

Now, I dont even remember making this agreement, because to me that is stupid ... now anyway. I'm the second born, I'm the younger one but you'd never know it if you knew us or if you meet us. It is clear that we have very different characteristics and character traits, our personalities and interests are very opposite. But, that is what keeps things interesting because we can always teach each other something.

I forgot how much fun it was to spend time not only with my brother but with my family. Tim and I went on a hike this morning, and this afternoon after my mom finished work, I went on a walk with her. It really brought back memories of being young, with glimpses of spring/summer weather. Fresh cut grass, crisp breeze in the evening, it reminded me of being outside in my grandparents back yard. It is a memory that always grounds me.

Family is so important, and for a while I forgot that. I started acting sneaky and sketchy, I was lying to everyone, sneaking out, going places, I was blowing off responsibility because I knew they wouldn't agree with things I was doing ... and that was because they knew me, they knew what was out of character. I didn't want to admit I was changing just to make sure I was making someone else happy because while I was doing that - I was doing a disservice to myself, because I was not happy. Over the last week I have hardly had any anxiety, I have been active, I have been focused on my family, and I have been more enjoyable to be around ... even for myself. I am kinder and not on edge. I am really thinking about how my actions impact those around me.

We only have one family, the one we are born into is instant. But, the family we choose are the friends that we keep close. We choose that part of our family. The people we surround ourself with is important because we choose them. We choose the support system, the energy, the attitudes that we are bringing into our life. Sometimes we need to listen to them because they know you and know what's best - they also call you out on your shit when you have changed and not for the better. Family, and the friends that become family are so important and you dont get many - so hold on to who you have in your life because you need to value and appreciate them other wise they will leave and you'll lose them. Check in with them, express how much you appreciate them, make sure they know how valued they are. It takes baby steps but improving the relationship you have is so beneficial and incredibly powerful. Your mistakes dont define you, you have the change to make amends, to never make the mistake twice, to work to better yourself. Mistakes teach us lessons, and the people around you are teachers themselves to teach you from their experiences just listen sometimes because they are protecting you from making the same mistake they did.