College, My Story

Thursday, April 30th, 2020

When I woke up this morning, I couldn't believe it, it was the end. Today I ended my undergraduate career. I finished my final, I turned in my last paper, and I left my last zoom class meeting ever. Today I realized I made it to the end, and it didn't feel real. I sat on my bed when it was all over, took off my glasses and cried. I didn't cry because it was over ... I cried because I didn't think I was going to make it to graduation, I didn't think I was going to complete my undergraduate degree. Don't worry I'm not going to leave you hanging, I'm going to be transparent and tell you why. You know when they say college is the best four years of your life? Well, they aren't - at least for me they were. I'm not going to say they were horrific, but they weren't a breeze either. I hit some obstacles along the way, needed to over come some hurdles. This ... this is the story of what college put me through.

I was nineteen, just graduated from high school and I was packing to move to London, I had decided I wanted to get as far away from where I was from as possible, so why not choose another country. I didn't listen to my parents, didn't even give them a chance to raise their voice on any concerns they might have had - I made up my mind and that was it. I wanted a clean break, a fresh start, in a new place where I knew no one. I got to London and at first it was amazing, I've never had a problem making friends, so I quickly found myself hanging out with second and third years at the university ... as well as a few kids in my own year. But, the school was small too small. It felt like high school all the time well that's because of the drama. There wasn't much to do at the university besides go out to the clubs Wednesday thru Saturday so that's what we did a majority of the time.

It was October of my freshman year, rumors about me started going around because of who I was hanging out with, and it inevitably ended our friendship. I didn't have many people left so I lied and came home to visit my mom for a few days during our half term break, but I wasn't ready to give up and admit I was wrong. I went back to tried to keep my head down and I moved into an apartment. Second semester was hard I was on the student government senate as the head of my major, but that didn't keep me from running into people I was avoiding, If you know me, you know I internalize things and the hardest thing wasn't living 3,600 miles from home, it was the fact that people didn't like me ... they didn't even get the chance to know me before they believed lies. I was able to grow from it, reconcile and be there for my friends and they had my back, in the New Year we cleared the air and I thought things would get better.

My living situation at the time wasn't great, I lived with someone who didn't believe the girl code was real, and she started talking to the guy I was seeing at the time. Nothing hurts more than someone you are supposed to be friends with let alone live with goes after everything you want or have. I backed off, I gave up and I let her win, what sucks is she is still dating him now and it eats away at me that someone who could be so manipulative and mean could be happy and have the things I wish I could have. Freshman year wasn't a cake walk, that spring break I was drugged in a club, I woke up with bruises in places I couldn't explain and had hand prints on my ankles like I was grabbed. My friend at the time checked on me because he heard screaming from my apartment above his - I still dont know what happened that night and I cant explain it either.

I thought things would turn around sophomore year, so I ran for Student Government Association Vice President and won, I was a Resident Director who looked after my apartment complex and other resident assistants ... and I got to live in my own two bedroom flat. I thought things would get better. I was wrong. I found out the girl I lived with who was dating the guy I was seeing started talking about me, the kid who drugged me became her friend and they began to make my life miserable. Have you ever come home from a long day of work after classes to find a note at the door of your apartment telling you to watch your back? To find out it wasn't going to be the last threat I would get either. I promise you I can't make this shit up, because it happened and it started to really break me as a person.

I stopped going to class which put me in jeopardy of losing my visa to stay in a country that I loved. I stated going out more than I ever did before Wednesday nights you'd find me out for student night, and ig wouldn't matter that I had an 8 am macroeconomics class. I'd be out till 2:30 a.m. and go to class hung over and blitzed to shit. Than it got to the point where I wouldn't leave my apartment, my friends would leave food at my door but It would sit there till one day my best friend got the key and forced me to get up, if it wasn't for the tough love he gave me I think I would have continued to spiral. Though it gets worse before it gets better. There was a false petition going around to kick me off student government, apparently 15% of the student body had signed a petition to hold an impeachment hearing. I didn't lose, because I wasn't guilty - I wasn't impeached but it didn't make me feel like I could stay either.

That night was the lowest night of my life, I walked to the bridge across from the furniture shop that I worked at, and I sat on the railing, thinking about all the reasons I shouldn't jump. I almost did ... it was a call from my mom that actually stopped me from doing it. I had been dodging her calls, and she wanted to know what I was doing, I lied and said I was going to the Slug, and she said she knew that since it was Wednesday. We talked and then I realized I wasn't going to give up and let everything other people think matter to me. I called my friends and asked if they were going to the slug, so we went. The next step was the hardest. See ... I had two really great best friends, They will always be my pineapple and my mango, weird I know. But, both of them looked out for me, and protected me. I called them up and asked if we could meet at the pub down the road from our second campus to talk. You ever walk into a room and feel like you were suffocating. Thats how this moment felt.

We sat down, they went to get us some beers and I tried to figure out how to tell them. It started by hearing something I needed to hear, he said in Spain there's a saying that you'll always be my pineapple, because even when you peel back the layers, and cut it the core is still there ... he'll always be my core. I told them I was going to transfer, I tried cutting the tension by being fully and saying "you won't even notice I'm not here, and plus you guys only have one year left". I never knew how much these two guys would men to me. They understood, they tried to talk me out of it ... but eventually they were there to support me. They even were apart of my going away party. See at this point of college I had already been through so much, I had contemplated dropping out, I was battling anxiety and depression, I was suicidal. I hit rock bottom, I was drinking all the time, I went to class drunk, took a final completely obliterated. I bleached my hair. I was spiraling and I didn't see a way out.

Then I stopped to ask for help, I started going to therapy, I transferred, and I wanted to continue going to school. I refused to let the things that happen to me define me or have power to win over me. I acknowledge that it wasn't that I couldn't hack it abroad, it was that It wasn't the right fit. Ya, I'd miss all the traveling I did on the weekends but it was time to be closer to home. Though the worst part of leaving was being dumped over the phone in the airport because my boyfriend at the time didn't want to tell me long distance wasn't "his scene" so he waited till he dropped me off and I was at my gate to tell me. What a thing to do.

But, the story doesn't end there. I transferred, transferring junior year is so hard, everyone already has their friends and their friend groups. Starting over new someone where else was not easy. Things were going great though I was able to find my place and settle in, until second semester junior year, I was diagnosed with cancer ... it was hard I didn't want to burden people especially the new friends I had made. I had a spot on the swim team things were great. I had met someone and started dating a navy sailor ... who wouldn't you know broke up with me two weeks before I started radiation because it was too much for him. Shocking! Radiation was hard, it was a process but I came out of it cancer free. So junior year wasn't as dramatically terrible.

Senior year is the kicker though. Things were great started seeing a law student ... oh wait didn't last long because he has never "dated a poor person before" welp fuck you because I bough the tickets to the bruins game we went to you pretentious ass. I was thriving focusing on myself, I had applied to law school, I was doing well. Than I met someone, and this time it was different ... or so I thought. Turns out I would end senior year in quarantine, isolated, and broken hearted. College ... it sucked. Ya it had its moments, my friends, my teammates, swimming, the classes. But, I went through so much that at the time ... in this moment looking back was it all worth it? Was the pain, suffering, everything I endured worth a piece of paper and a virtual ceremony. I never thought I would graduate college, not because I wasn't dedicated - but because I thought I wasn't strong enough along the way to continue. I now know I am stronger than I was back then. I know how to cope with triggers and trauma instead of drinking or smoking. I know that I've been through more in the last four years than some in a life time.

But, I never gave up, I didn't let things get in my way, I didn't let negative people stop me. I fought, I pushed my way through the fire, and I sit here crying because its over, it was all for something. It wasn't how I expected it to be, I never would have thought I'd need to go through the things I needed to, to get to where I am today - but I wouldn't change it, it built me to be stronger to be kinder to be wiser. I am more empathetic than sympathetic because I've lived through it, Life isn't meant to be easy, it is meant to throw challenges your way. Thats what the last four year did to me, it built me it didn't break me. It helped me see how strong I am. I can't let things break me, I can experience them but I won't let it define me. I know I am not alone in this world, and there are people along the way cheering me on and supporting me.

I hope sharing my story resonated with someone. That you can reach out and talk to me if you need someone to listen. But, please don't feel like you are alone in the dark. Reach out for help - I am a huge advocate on mental health. Go talk to someone, find the right person to talk to you and work on what is important to you. Put yourself first, take care of yourself. Make sure your foundation is steady and secure. You are not alone, there is help out there for you, and a light at the end of the tunnel - you are never alone. Be true to you, tell your story speak your truth and your narrative to whoever will listen, what you have to say is important.