Courage

Wednesday, May 06th, 2020

No one ever likes to admit they are wrong. It is the courage to do what frightens you. I have not only been taking a step back to focus on myself and address things that I changed about myself, but I have also been taking steps back to right the wrongs. I have been trying to talk to people that I had pushed away, that I didn't appreciate the way that I had. It was during this process that I noticed I was acting so sketchy, I was really doing things out of character and I was hurting the people that cared about me and wanted what was best for me - I just didn't know it at the time.

I thought I knew what was best for me, but that isn't true at all. I was giving away parts of myself. I was changing and it was not for the better. I was accepting the way I was being treated, and I thought it was okay. I was putting in all the work and the effort, when someone simply did not care the way they should have. I was accepting and okay with being manipulated to think I deserved to be treated the way I was being treated. I started doing things I would have never done, I was being sketchy and acting out of character. I was sneaky, I was hiding things, I was going down a rabbit hole that I couldn't see until it was too late.

I did not want to admit that my friends were right, that they saw something I didn't. I didn't listen to their warnings, I didn't listen to the red flags because I was blinded. I was really blind because I only saw what I wanted to see, I only saw what I would allow myself to see because I was naive, I had all the best intentions at heart and in doing so I lost myself. I broke down and I took what was coming my way. I allowed someone to take out their issues on me, in the way they talked to me, in the way they treated me. I didn't want to believe that someone could have such negative intentions but now I see, that anything is possible.

It took me weeks to have the courage to accept things wouldn't change, accept that I needed to give up and walk away. I needed to take care of myself and not take care of someone else ... especially when they didn't want to take care of themselves. I've never met someone who has no regard for themself. I've never met someone who was so self destructive until they started to impact me. I know that hurt people hurt people and in doing so the cycle continues - But that is no way to live, you can't go out into the world and hurt other because someone hurt you.

You need to work on your baggage before you involve someone else. I dated someone who wasn't ready to date. They didn't realize the implications of their actions, but I did. I was a rebound months after ... they weren't ready to date and they knew that deep down. But, they decide to take their self destructive behavior and project, in the process hurting me. They didn't work through there issues, they didn't heal, and because of the hurt their previous partner inflicted on them, they projected. In return they hurt me. I never had a fair chance to even be with this person because they already had assumptions. They thought I was like there ex and that isn't healthy.

It never gave me a fair shot, and I had all the best intentions in the world. But, because someone hurt this person, and they were hurting - they choose to take it out on me and hurt me because that's all they knew how to do. It takes courage to make amends, it takes courage to own up to the hurt you caused, but what really takes courage is walking away. But, walking away and refusing to continue that cycle, refusing to continue to hurt people. While I was hurt, I'd never put someone through what I went through, I'd never want that. So instead of continuing the cycle I took a step back I choose to work on it and heal so I can fix what I changed about myself.

It takes courage to do the right thing. To apologize, to acknowledge the downfalls. It takes a lot to look within and admit there needs to be a change and there needs to be work put in. You have no control over others, but you do have control over yourself. Don't continue to hurt people because someone hurt you. Choose to heal, choose to grow - because then you will attract someone who is healed, and grown. You will have a partner who while scared, is not broken they healed their wounds and they aren't bleeding for someone else to fix them. It takes courage to walk away, not to give up in defeat - but to walk away to heal, to patch up what is broken. Courage to end the cycle rather than continue it. There is no need to drag someone into your mess, it isn't right to put stress on them to heal you, it isn't okay to hurt others. Wake up, do what frightens you, because courage is needed to take the next step forward. Love yourself, because self love attracts all sorts of things.