Decisions

Monday, May 18th, 2020

Today, I was faced with making decisions. It is getting to the point where I need to choose where I want to lay roots for the next chapter of my life. I can stay in New England and go to a school that wanted me early on in the application process, I can hold out and wait for the reconsideration from my dream university which will get back to me quite soon because of the name I name dropped over a phone call. But, in doing so I am stuck in a waiting limbo, if I wait I miss out on the studio apartment that I found which is ideal for me to live alone in and have my own escape. Or I can head down south and lay some roots down across boarders, west of the mason Dixon line.

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. There really is nothing holding me here locally, ya I have my family, my friends from under grad, and the place that I have learned to love. But, I also no longer have ties to stay close, the anchor is gone. I can visit my childhood friends, I can see my family there isn't anything requiring me to be close to home any longer. So, I could move farther away, the south has its pros. Warmer weather, beaches, polite, religious, southern gentlemen. There are upsides. But, I do know I have dreamed of being in Boston and living in the city for longer. It is hard I am used to moving every two years, so now I am torn do I move again, or do I try and stay locally familiar and ground myself somewhere longer this time.

It is hard, but I am running out of time to make decisions. June first isn't far. I have a tentative deposit down, but I haven't pulled the trigger and put in the final installment because I dont know how I feel about my choice. It is so hard, have you ever gotten news, called someone you were so excited to share the news with and celebrate. But now things are different and you cant do that - you cant call them, you cant discuss options - missing that point of view and prospective. All I know is I gotta do it soon, I need to finalize plans so I can have somethings to focus on. Life is short, but I am also not trying to make the wrong decision. I am no stranger to transferring but than again I would rather not have to do that in this case. Law school is everything I had been working for since I was eleven in fifth grade.

I thought going for a run would clear my mind and help me make my choice, welp that did not happen. I than went for a hike and that didn't help either, it just made me more annoyed with the pressure I am feeling. See I am find picking up my life, and starting new somewhere else I just didn't picture myself being this stuck. There is nothing holding me back in this situation than myself, I am holding on to hope that something will change or go back to the way it was but I'm not sure if that will ever happen. I know I have to keep moving forward and what will be will be. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to. After everything I have faced in the last four years, I would have thought this would be easy, it would be like nothing but that isn't true.

Something I have noticed talking to my best friend, is that people can't let go of the past, they are stuck on one event, or one person - they can't let go of the outcome of what happened. But, the thing is life isn't like that. The same thing doesn't happen all the time. You have to trust the process and know that people are different. Those who can't let go are immature and they are being childish. It is crazy how people my age, can be so destructive and detrimental to their life, and be the cause as to why they aren't happy. In thinking about this I know that I am in control of my own happiness, and I need to do what will make me happy in the long run. I am so proud of everything I have been through, everything I have accomplished. I know ultimately I will make the right decision I always do! And ultimately I will be on my next journey, creating my own happiness. It is a new beginning the next chapter and I can't wait to join the ride.

Crazy that I'll be back amongst a co-ed environment, I'll be able to meet all new people from different backgrounds, and have different stories, and different paths to getting here - but we will all have common interests and goals. It is so important to me to be surrounded by people who are like minded, but also think differently and have different prospectives and approaches. I know in the past I said I'll never date a law student again ... but that is a total lie. I would, I like that challenge, that competition, the push that it gives to want to be better and do better. I need that competition to fuel my drive to be better. I like a challenge.

While I feel like I am being pulled in different directions I know where my heart is leading me and I just need my brain to connect and be on the same page as my heart. I am speechless that I got to where I am, and I wouldn't change it. All my trials and tribulations made me stronger to the woman I am today. Though I wish sometimes things could have been different I know we go through things and meet people for a reason. It is time to close this chapter and start writing the next one, who knows who I'll meet, who will come back, who will walk out, but I am ready to make the hard decisions. The decisions that will dictate the next three years of my life, where I'll live, who I'll meet, and the environment I'll be nurtured in. Sometimes I have made decisions that didn't work out like planned or expected, i.e. who to date - but I have been a good judge of where to go, those decisions I'd never question or second guess.

Have you ever had a hard time making the best decision for you, but have been so quick to help others weigh their options and figure out what is best for them? Have you ever second guest yourself, that you weren't sure if you were making the right decisions. All I can say is trust the process, pray on it, and listen to your heart - you will know what feels right and what is best for you. You are in control and you are the pilot to your life, and your happiness is in your hands. Decisions aren't permanent you can change your mind, you can go down a different path - the journey isn't meant to be easy the road you follow or are lead down might not be smooth, but you'll get to the other side of it stronger, complete, and whole. Keep your eyes, ears, and heart open and embrace the beginning of a new chapter.