Discover

Sunday, April 26th, 2020

This weekend I did what I had been putting off doings, I sat down and banged out my senior dissertation, my final piece of writing that was supposed to mean something. It took all of two full days of work, countless research, and much stress but I did it. I was able to compile a 6830 word paper, in law school format on PTSD legislation. I did it, it's a relief that I was able to get it done, not because of a due date or a looming deadline but because I was able to motivate myself to get it done. I had been pushing it off to not do it for so long - and hey it technically isn't due until May 04th, but I turned it in way in advance.

I sent it off to my office who needed it for a legislative hearing this week, and she had already gotten back to me because part of my research was information she was looking for to add to the piece of legislation she is championing. I needed this victory, I needed to have someone remind me of who I am and what I have to offer. I have so much to give, I have so much good to add to this world. I needed a pick me up. I needed to get back to what makes me who I am.

I always knew I had a good head on my shoulders, I am prone to working through challenges and obstacles. I have gotten through everything life has thrown my way. But, somehow recently I felt defeated, like I was knocked down and this time I was struggling to get back up. I was having trouble motivating myself to keep going, to trust the journey, and know things will work out the way they were supposed to. I was dwelling, dwelling on something that isn't something I can change. I needed to take a moment and stop to think, that sometimes other people need to reach out and fix situations and I shouldn't be the one doing it all the time.

I needed to pick myself up like I have always done. We all experience life, sometimes life is not good to us. Trust me I know, I've seen the evil that the world has to offer but I still sit here and believe in seeing the good. We all have struggles, most of us like to cope by keeping them to ourselves. Well - I want to tell you that you aren't alone. I'm going to share some struggles with you. Freshman year, I was drugged in a club in a foreign country where I lived, I woke up the next morning with no memory of the night before, but I had bruises in multiple locations on my body, bruises that don't just appear. I choose to blame myself, I chose to internalize the pain I was going to being, I felt like it was my fault. Sophomore year of college I received death threats from residents in my apartment building for doing my job, I was harassed by students on campus, and ultimately chose to transfer after lies about me spread on campus (I went through an impeachment hearing because I was on SGA and people formed a false petition to get ride of me). Junior year I was diagnosed with cancer, I went through radiation. That is just part of the narrative, some of the struggle from college alone.

Dig back deeper in the past, have you ever dated someone who hit you? Degraded you verbally to the point were you believed every word? Maybe even ended up with a black eye, or broken rib? ... Maybe you walked in on a friend struggling with mental health? Listen, we all have scars, we all have pasts, the baggage sometimes cuts deep, so deep that it is hard not to be jaded. Even after going through my struggles it is the "easier" things that sting the most. It is the open wound from a break heart, not strong enough to let go but too weak to hold on. It is the caring nature that can't give up even when everyone around them sees how much it is destroying them. It is the person who internalizes everything, makes it there problem, and believes it is their job to fix it ... it is that person who has a harder time recovering.

For me, I needed to dig deep, I needed to tap into the girl who has dreams and aspirations. The girl who's goals never changed, but the path to them did. It is all about the valuable lesson you can teach someone, but more importantly it is the lesson you can learn for yourself. I discovered I have a lot to say, I have a voice that can't be silenced - and I know life isn't easy but I never want to lose who I am. No matter how tough things are I realized I can't change me, I'll never harden my heart, I'll never choose to stop caring. I can only continue to grow and take my life lessons with me. I learn from experience, and everything happens in order to know more about yourself and grow. I'd never change the things I have had to deal with, because they have made me a little more me, every step of the way - I have them to thank for making me who I am.

I needed a reminder of the hard working person I am. Along the way I lost the drive to get things done, I lost the motivation to stay ahead of the game. As my undergrad career draws to an end, I see I was able to finish the biggest project and paper of my life in 48 hours, I was able to get it done, and not wait till the last minute. I was able to turn it in well ahead of the due date, and now I can focus my time and energy on other things - like making decisions on what to do for the fall, where I'll end up law school wise. Its a new stage of my life, a chapter, and a journey in itself. Where I'll end up, where I'll be living, and the new challenges that go with it. Have you ever felt like you outgrew someone, or someone was too far ahead of you? Have you ever wished you could catch up? The beauty is life is a journey and everyone in your life is there for a reason to help you grow, you don't need to do it alone. Maybe instead of pushing people away to "focus on yourself" you trust what they see in you and grow together, learn together, and build one another up because they see your potential, take the support and recognize it for yourself.

I needed this pick me up to remind myself I am a bad bitch, I have big dick energy - and sometimes my drive, my aspirations, it scares people. The fact that I know what I want is intimidating. But, I won't apologies or change that for anyone or anything, either adapt to it, get used to having a strong independent and driven woman around or move aside and watch from the side lines. It is your choice whether you want to be apart of the journey moving forward, or if you want to be left behind. I'd love to grow with those around me in my life, I'd love to help others see their potential, but it isn't until they realize that you can grow together, and work on yourself together that things will start to change. Remember this don't lose yourself, don't forget who you are, and what makes you, you. Do the things that scare you, that stress you out - because it is only then that you can remind yourself who you are. Don't let things change you for the negative grow from them, don't let them destroy you.