Exposed: The Break Up
- Amanda Walsh
- May 25, 2020
- 16 min read
Monday, May 25th, 2020
***I find myself slightly shaken today. For a moment I was questioning myself, my self worth, I was questioning me as a person. There is nothing worse than self-doubt ... but self-doubt caused by someone else. Well that hits different. I found myself laying in bed unable to sleep, thinking, mind racing. So I woke up early and went for a run. Now, we can't out run our thoughts, and we definitely can't out run our problems. I hung out with 2 of my 3 best friends today, throwing a football, listening to music talking. When we were done, I was sitting on the side walk, and I started to ball my eyes out in front of someone who has been there for me since intermediate school. He has seen me through some of the worst things in my life. I found myself breaking down ... but not broken. I was letting it out, I was finally talking about everything that happened. Sometimes we can't always be okay, we may pretend, but there is no reason to pretend in front of the people who know you better than sometimes ... you may know yourself. He said something that stuck with me. He said, "You're always working on yourself, always growing, learning, and bettering who you are. Your independence comes from getting up from the ground, putting yourself back together, and not letting anything hold power over you. Whatever happens you work on yourself, good or bad - it always helps you improve and grown". Sometimes I forgot that, I forget that I've never let something hold me back. I work through the baggage, the frustration, the pain. I dont see the point in holding on to it. For me, I need to work through it - and it isn't just for myself. It is because I love to help others, I take my experiences and I want to help others through experiences, I empathize. For me, I want to see others improve, grow, I want to help others. I like to feel needed. But my best friend made a good point. Sometimes some people dont want help, they dont want to improve and grow - you can do everything you can for them, and it still wouldn't matter to them. That is where I find myself needing to accept and let go. So - this is me letting go, this is me saying everything I need to say out into the void. Whether or not the one this is about, gets read by them doesn't matter to me as much as the fact that I had the strength to put it out there ... and expose my faults, not because I think I'm perfect, but because I want others to learn from what I've been through, I want people to see that we are all human.
To the Guy Who Broke My Heart,
Hi, it's been a while. It's been sometime, we've had some space, and honestly I've used this time to reflect, heal, and grow. I've figured out that blame never falls on one person. No one should even make someone else feel inferior, make them feel like everything is their fault, and well - I'm now in a place where I understand that nothing that happened really had to do with me ... but it had everything to do with you. This isn't to be mean, this isn't to put the blame on you. But, this is me acknowledging that you took on the victim role because that is what you are used to. I realize now, things moved too fast, not for me ... but for you.
See, I got dumped, two months before meeting you. I got dumped publicly at a Bruins game at TD garden. It was in that moment that I really knew what I was not looking for in my next relationship, with my next partner. I knew I didn't want someone who was selfish, who had a big ego. Someone who could never admit when they were wrong ... I had been around the block, I had dated those guys who thought they were always right who didn't see me as an equal. From being dumped to meeting you I took a step back like I always do, I worked on myself, I focused on swimming, applying to law school, I was channeling my energy and focus inward on me. When I was ready I put myself back out there I knew I was ready to be open again to the idea of finding someone. The moment I knew I was ready, was one night I was praying and I asked god to put it on my heart when it was time to be open to the idea of finding someone again. So I did, I re-downloaded dating apps, built a profile, and came home for the holidays. I never expected to meet up with someone from around my area, I usually dont swipe when I am home, I had rules. I never wanted to date someone from CT, it was too close to home for me. But, something one day made me swipe, I had a few matches, and then you messaged me. To be honest the conversational banter had me hooked back and forth. I didn't expect anything to come from it, I was leaving in less than a week and I never intended to meet up. But, you were persistent, I liked talking to you and I took a risk. I took a chance on you. We meet up, had a great time, it was probably the best date I had ever been on. You listened to me, you actually seemed genuinely interested in who I was, what I had to say. We held hands, you were nearly a perfect gentlemen, you picked up the bill and rejected my offer to pay, you opened my car door for me, you even asked for permission before kissing me. For the first time it was nice to be genuinely pursued. I even got to spend New Years Eve with you, and I had never gotten to do that with someone before. I appreciated that you put in the effort to text me, to call me, honestly long distance was never an issue for me, I had done it before - and for me communication is everything. I felt a connection, a connection I hadn't felt with someone in a long time. It was easy to let my wall down, I dropped my guard, and I let you in. I told you things I hadn't told past partners in the past because I trusted you, I felt safe telling you things. My heart, it felt at home.
Though, I had noticed a shift. You pursued me, and then when you got me ... it was like you stopped putting in effort. I was the one calling, I was the one trying to do things. What sucked was how accommodating I was but it never seemed like I was being met half way. I'm the type of person to make someone fell loved, cared about, appreciated. I never expect anything in return, expectations just led to let downs anyway. But, I know how small random acts of kindness can really make someones day. I went out of my way to make a care box for you with a few of your favorite things, because I know distance sucks, but I wanted you to know how much you meant to me and that I think about you even when we are apart. It was odd to me that your first response was, "I didn't get you anything" I didn't expect you to, I just wanted to surprise you with a token of love and appreciation. I appreciated having a boyfriend who would drive me back to Boston late at night after getting off a shift at work. I liked accommodating you and your work schedule - I had never had a reason to come home, you gave me a reason to come and visit. I wanted to spend time with you, being apart sucked. So, I planned more trips home in those hand full of months than I did the whole two years I lived in Boston. I wanted to show you I was putting in the effort to make it work, because I saw a future with you.
Then I started to see effort dipping on your part. No relationship is perfect, but it is how a couple handles bumps in the road and the obstacles that come their way even early on that makes or breaks a relationship. I'm sitting here airing my dirty laundry I am exposing myself and being vulnerable to clear the air. I'll probably never get to have a closure conversation, you'll probably never read this, but for me it is away to say what I needed to say and try and push past what is holding me back. I noticed you started to act weird, ducking my calls, it put a big suspicion that something was going on. I knew early on you might not be over your ex, you even said your own father didn't think you were ready for a new relationship. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. But, in the end I should have known better. You had not taken the time you needed to heal, you had not worked through your past baggage, trauma, and history with this person. It was never going to be fair to me, because everything that I did, was compared to her, how she treated you. I never had a chance, no fair shot at getting close to your heart. I was always up front, honest, and vulnerable with you. I at least deserved that same respect. There was a period of a few days we didn't talk, my first reaction was did something happen, were you okay. I was panicked, worried, and scared. Thats where I go right away I want to make sure someone else is okay. In doing so ... I wasn't okay. I lost sleep, I wasn't eating, and I blew it during a huge swim weekend. I didn't post times I should have, because my mind was focused on you. I ended my swim career with regret, sadness ... it sucks when you wish someone was there cheering you on and supporting you. But instead you cant get a hold of them. But, I never told you how shitty I was feeling, I never blamed you for the fact that I was distracted and lost my focus. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Why? Because I loved you.
It wasn't until my mom asked about you, that I realized I stopped talking about you. I didn't want anyone to ask how things were going because honestly ... I didn't want to admit that I was trying to make it work. I was putting in all the work and effort, because I wanted to see you happy I wanted to support you. But, I wasn't getting that in return. So here's where I own up to not being perfect, even though I never said I was. I was at a party, we were playing a game, I was uncomfortable but I dont like conflict. I like to make other people around me happy first, and in doing so I put myself on the back burner. I played a game that involved taking off a piece of clothing. I knew it would make you uncomfortable because you had said it but I was stuck. I ended up taking my shirt off in front of people. I wasn't exposed, I was wearing a sports bra, one that's like a shirt. Tits weren't out, I was uncomfortable, I just wanted it to be over with. I felt bad because I was doing something I didn't want to do. First off, I know it is my body and my decision no one can control what someone else does ... trust me I know I dated a guy who used to tell me what to wear, and who I couldn't talk to - that fucks with a person. For me it wasn't the end of the world I work out in that same sports bra at the BSC a co-ed gym in Boston, I'm a competitive swimmer I wear less to the beach and the pool so I didn't think it was the worth thing in the world, but I was also ashamed that the people I was with would put me in that situation, and make me feel that way. I made a mistake ... people do it all the time. But, to you, in your book I was just as bad as your ex. You told me I "cheated on you". For me, I define cheating a a physical interaction, or emotional investment. I've been cheated on before, someone I was dating spelt with my best friend at the time on my birthday, at my party so - Happy birthday to me right. Instead of hearing me out, you jumped at me - you made up your mind and you aren't one to listen to reason, or change your opinion. You weren't in my shoes, you didn't have to experience it. Instead you said a lot of hurtful things, you slut shamed me, you called me a thot, you told me you thought I was different. I've been cheated on - I've never cheat on someone, because I know that pain, I know the hurt it causes because Ive been through it.
Honestly, I think you were just looking for away out. You didn't know what to do with someone who genuinely cared about you, who put you first, You didn't know how to handle someone investing in you, someone who loved you without expectations, or selfishly wanting something in return. See, I sit here writing and I want to cry, because I gave you my heart, and you shit all over it. Don't worry I know you dont care, I know you dont miss me, I know you could give a rats ass. But, I'll always have a good head on my shoulder, you even said it. I am different I am nothing like your ex, but you're too blind, too stuck in your ways to realize it. You haven't addressed your issues, your past, or your baggage. Instead you projected your hurt onto me. You found an easy way out, instead of reasoning, you jumped to a conclusion and ran with it. See I dont hate you, couldn't if I tried. I'll never stop believing in you, I'll never stop wanting the best for you, I'll never stop hoping things get better for you. But, I do hope one morning I'll wake up and stop loving you, I'll never lose love for you ... I'm just waiting to stop being in love with you. I'm sorry I ever told you I loved you, I'm sorry I even tried to reach out and clear the air. I know you'll never get past "what happened" but that's on you, it is no longer on me. I tried to make things work, I tried to work things out. I tried to mend, and keep the relationship together. But, at some point, I need to let go of the hope you'll ever get past it. I didn't cheat, I didn't do anything wrong - especially because I told you right away what happened, but you chose to not believe me. I only had eyes for you, my heart belonged to you, I had told you I was in love with you that night, I was counting down the minutes till I got to see you, to hug you ... to smell you.
You were the first guy I wanted my parents to meet. I wanted you to be apart of my life so badly. I let you in, I told my friends and family about you ... I even let you meet some. It was my mistake that I saw a future with you. I realized that when you didn't show up to my formal. You knew how important it was for me, even if we were in a disagreement - if the roles were reversed I still would have shown up for you. I would have been upset, but I would have come, and tried to work through it. It was easy for you to walk away, to give up. I genuinely think you were looking for away out, and damn you got one. You dont know what to do with someone who cares, who worries, who genuinely wants to see you happy. I was your biggest cheerleader, and biggest fan. But, I guess nothing I did was good enough for you. But, I dont believe I was not good enough for you, I definitely think I was giving you more than you might have deserved. I've worked through the fucked up things I've been through in relationships, I've asked for help, I've gotten help, I've healed. Please work through things, before you get into another relationship. You're the one who pursued me, you asked me to be your girlfriend ... and then you broke my heart. I'll never apologize for caring about you, for worrying, for checking on you. I'm not sorry for putting in the effort to talk. Communication is the most important thing to me. I took responsibility for my actions, I tried to mend things but you pushed me away. There are a lot of things I could say, but I am not going to be negative I am not going to throw you under the bus because that's not the type of person I am.
Who knows maybe we'll be friends, maybe you'll come back into my life. But, none of this is up to me. The ball is in your court. The phone works both ways. Ya, I miss you, I miss your face, and your voice, and I miss hugging you. I don't miss being yelled at, being called a thot, being told you thought you didn't have to worry about me, but im just like everyone else. I never mistreated you, I always put you first. You'll never find someone who cares about you more than I did. You'll never find someone who expects absolutely nothing in return. I genuinely cared about you, I wanted to see you happy. I had no ulterior motives, and that is something I know you couldn't understand because you had never had someone love you the way you deserved to be loved before. It is hard to know we're boundaries are or where people stand, but I'll never block you. My phone its always on, my line is always open. If you need me, you know where to find me. When if we haven't talked in months, I'll be there to listen. I dont hate you, I just want to see you grow, and to see you happy. You are bright, and talented, you have things going for you, even when you dont realize it. I never expected to meet someone like you, I never expected to have someone impact and change my life the way you did. You meant, and still mean a lot to me, you opened my heart again, I'll always be thankful for that. I'll always love you, it felt incredible to love someone whole heartedly. I had found a best friend in you, your secrets, your past are safe with me. I wish you no ill will and I dont hate you. I wish there was a different outcome, but I'm on the other side of it now. I love myself, I am taking care of myself. While it is nice to feel needed, it isn't my job to help everyone, I cant fix everyones problem for them. I'll always be there if you need help, or support ... I just want you to know I forgive you. I dont hate you, I care about you. We may have different opinions on the situation, but I never held any resentment toward you. You are apart of my prays at night. I wish you weren't so stubborn, and realize it is a difference of opinion but everyone I asked said what I did was not cheating, I'm not trying to justify my actions, I've apologized and tried to make it right. But, I am sorry your past has lead you to believe what I did was cheating. I'd never hurt you, and I'd never so something intentional - especially knowing your past and the thing your ex before me put you through.
I just wish you had the same curiosity for me, and respected me enough not to hurt me. You broke your promise you made to me over FaceTime in January. I told you I didn't want to get hurt, and I couldn't handle my heart being broken. But you broke it - you broke my heart, you walked away, ghosted me like it was nothing. I cried, I stressed, I worried. I was concerned for your safety, I wanted to make sure you were okay - even after you hurt me. I was focused on you, how stupid of me right. I wanted to know if you missed me, if you were thinking about me. I doubted I crossed your mind ... it seemed easy for you, why would you care. You were so quick to jump to a conclusion and end things. But You broke my heart, even after you knew how I felt about you, and it was a slap in the face. I never treated you the way you treated me, because if I treated you the way you treated me, I dont think you would have stuck around as long as I did. I'm know to put up with a lot, it takes a lot to scare me, I dont leave people especially ones I believe in. So ... I hope you are well. I miss you, I miss us. But, I now know it isn't my fault. You weren't ready to be loved the way you deserve to be. You weren't ready because you hadn't confronted your demons. See I respect you, I'd never air your struggles or dirty laundry, but I've aired mine to be authentic and to prove a point. I'm not perfect, but you had a version of me in your head, where you held me on such a pedestal that one small human error, shattered everything.
I needed to air out my thoughts. This is going to the void that I'd guarantee a million dollars you never read this, that you dont know this exists. We'll go back to being strangers. You'll go back to being mad at me, and thinking I'm the only one to blame. Thats fine, that makes it easier for you. But, I'm not the bad guy. After everything I still wanted to be with you. The pain and the hurt dont go away fully but it gets easier. It hurts a bit less everyday. I still can't drive toward your town, I avoid the whole area because it makes my heart hurt. But, one day at a time. Maybe I'll stop loving you, it hasn't happened yet ... but I've said what I needed to say so maybe now part of my heart can let go. I'll always be here, I'll never block you. But, I won't reach out. I respect your time and space so you know where to find me. Your stubborn nature was something I loved about you, though in this situation it is infuriating. The last time you gave your heart to someone they broke it - and you never gave me the chance, or the benefit of the doubt that I was different, even when I had showed you that I was. You deserve to be loved, and to be loved and cared about the right way - and that was what I was trying to show you, give you a glimpse of what you deserve. I hope you miss me, and you realize what you lost. I know my worth, and I know how rare it is to find someone like me. I dont have to live with walking away, you do. You walked away from someone who loved you unconditionally and who expected absolutely nothing back in return. I hope you are doing well. Keep your family close and safe they are really all we have in this world.
All my love,
A
If it is meant to be .... set it free. If it was truly yours it will find its way back to you. Sometimes people need to drift in order to come back together.
Comments