Falling

Tuesday, April 21st, 2020

I've been having such a hard time writing tonight, and I can't seem to figure out what I want to say or how to say it. Words usually come easy to me, but here I am struggling to form sentences that help paint the picture of how I am feeling, and what I've been going through. The last month lets say, it's been a challenge, and no I don't mean because of social distancing and quarantine due to Covid-19. I've been struggling to find my place, not in life but rather my place in someone else's life. I've been trying to learn the new boundaries, and restrictions. It is so difficult because I don't want to over step. The worst thing I could do, is step out of line and that could make the whole situation ten times worse.

I can sit here and say I'm good at pretending not to care, but that wouldn't be the truth. It would be the farthest thing from it. Instead here's the honest truth. I care probably way too much, - I was told caring especially me caring, can be smothering. I guess that's something I need to work on. I need to find a balance between not caring, and caring. I never want someone to feel like they are being smothered. While still a foreign concept to me, that there is such a thing as caring too much, it is important for me to address it, so it doesn't continue being an issue. I'll admit, I'm one of those people who cares too much. But, not in the sense that I care about what other people think or what they say about me. But, in the sense that I worry. I internalize what is going on around me in situations and I hold the responsibility of caring for someone. Which is stupid especially when that person doesn't want me to care for them, or they don't care about me back. Funny, you could tell me straight to my face that you don't care about me, and I'd still give a shit about you. I know it isn't my responsibility to care for someone, but I feel like I can't let go, if I don't care, then how will they know what it feels like to be genuinely cared for.

I've been stumbling lately, along the way tripping over my own two feet. I can't seem to stop falling. You ever feel like you take a step in the right direction, but somehow get knocked over and end up two steps behind? Ya ... well that's how I've been feeling. I feel like once I get the answers I'm looking for, that things will change, but life doesn't seem to work that way. I like to make things work, even if it is a challenge, that doesn't scare me. I've noticed I take what everyone else wants to heart, but not always myself. If someone wants to do something I'm down, and it's because I know it will make them happy it is something they enjoy doing. Though, I know it isn't always fair to me - but hey! That's life, and life isn't meant to be fair. It doesn't always matter what I may want, and I think its because I realized at an early age ... we don't always get the things we want so why stress about it, when I can make sure others are happy getting what they want as well as need instead. That isn't to say I'm not happy, because I am ... I'm happy with how things are to an extent. Somethings we have to accept things in order to keep them around or in our lives. The risk ... the risk of losing them and not having them around at all, is not a risk for me. It isn't something I want, I couldn't see losing it.

I like making sure everyone wins, that they are having their needs met. Sometimes it comes at my own expense, not because I am not getting what I need, but because I just except a-lot less and give a-lot more. I was thinking about what someone said to me last week. I don't need a lot, I don't need to talk to you everyday, we don't have to constantly be checking in. But, when we do talk, that time is special. I could go two or three days without talking to you, but I most defiantly couldn't go without thinking about you. I've realized what ever happens happens, I can sit here and hope that one day things will change, I can even pray that it does. But, in reality I can't do anything about it. I can't change what's happened, I can't open your eyes for you ... I can't make you realize what is standing right in front of you. But I can hope, and that isn't something you can take away from me.

Today it hailed, and rained, and snowed a little bit, all before the sun came out. Me being me, someone who is a gross romantic, who is stupid enough to wear her heart on her sleeve. I ran outside, I stood in the rain, and the hail and I looked up at the sky just to feel something. I needed that, I needed that rush, to feel alive. I used to get that rush of adventure from someone else, I never got to thank them for giving me that adventure, and excitement - but it spiced things up. For me I follow rules, I stick to a plan, and in doing so sometimes I miss out. You taught me that some rules are meant to be broken, and to not be afraid to take risks. I realized I could still have a good head on my shoulders, and still be able to live a little. I'm a big girl, I can make my own decisions and I know what I want. I'm sorry me being certain scares you, I'm sorry that the harder you push away the easier it is for me to stay - see your deflecting, you are trying to push me away because you don't know what to do with something you've never experienced, and that is just wrong. I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but I am not going to let you ruin a good thing either. I've got all the time in the world, and I don't give up.

Falling is not necessary a bad thing, it reminds you of your humanity, we all stumble along the way. Making mistakes, the wrong decisions, but all choices lead us to where we are supposed to be. I've been struggling because I have such a big heart, and seeing someone I care about struggle pulls at my heart strings, but makes me want to be there and help them through it. But, I'll respect your wishes. I won't disappear, but I also know I can't check on you all the time, as much as I want to talk, and I want to see you ... I can't. I can't because until you realize you deserve to be happy, I'll just be in the way. The trials and tribulations you've gone through are a-lot, but you do realize that you deserve happiness, and that maybe this good thing in your life is here because you deserve it. I'm not a person to be mad, but I do get frustrated. I'm at the point where I have to back off, I have to give you time and space, and unless you talk to me, I know I can't talk to you because it isn't healthy it isn't want you want. I don't believe that there is such a thing as settling. For some they can't be "just friends" but for me, I'll take what I can get. It would break me to not have you in my life at all, to turn around and go back to being strangers in life. I don't want that ... but I also am not selfish enough to say what I do want either.

So for now I'll pick myself up. There is no need to continue falling. I can only do so much, and for now I've done all I can. I care, I'm here to listen, and I even pray for you everyday. While I won't say what I want, I will say I don't give up hope. Have you ever just wanted to take the burden away from someone? To help them see all the things you see? To open their eyes? Ya, me too! If we could do that life would be so much easier, but the things in life that mean the most don't come easy and that's why they matter and mean so much. All I can say is don't give up, it may be rough but wait out the storm. There is always darkness before the sun - one day they will come around. Just live your life, don't sulk. The worst thing you can do is sit on the shower floor having the water cascade down on you, pick yourself up, dry your eyes, and stop crying. If it is worth the stress than hold on, but it is never worth the tears. Be patient, God is testing you. Don't lost hope and never stop loving someone who needs that love and support more than ever.