It's Whatever.

Sunday, April 19th, 2020

Have you ever realized how many times you've said the phrase "it's whatever"? Me neither, well that was until this afternoon. I was on the phone with one of my best friends, and we were catching each other up on what has been going on in our personal lives. I finished telling her my story and than ended the conversation with ... "but it's whatever really". It wasn't until she filled me in on what was going on with her that she did the same thing. She ended with, "but what can I do, it's whatever". It wasn't until I heard that phrase ring through my ears that I put two and two together. Even though something had clearly been bother both of us, at the end of our story we ended with "its whatever". That phrase has so much power, it is a mask to hide the true emotions or feels that resonate with what is going on.

It really opened my "eyes" so to speak, more like my ears to be more mindful to catch the phrase in use ... becoming more conscious of how often I used it. The truth is, whenever someone says it's whatever, it really isn't. It is something that is deeply bothering them, it is deeper than the surface. It is skin deep, and in some ways it is drowning that person. If you are someone who feels everything deeply, than you'll get it. For me I feel everything, and that isn't just my own feelings but those of the people in my life that are around me. I can feel their pain, their struggle - it causes me to worry, and that worry can manifest physically making me sick, unable to eat, or it keeps me up at night. It makes me want to jump in and start helping them, I've since come to realize I can't problem solve for everyone. Somethings you need to let people stumble and fall, in order for them to figure it out on their own. That is the hardest thing I have ever had to realize. I can't help everyone with everything no matter how much I may want to.

The hardest part is knowing you can't do it for them. You can't push them to change - they have to want to change, and then only then will they accept any sort of help. It has to be on their terms, they have to want to accept that their current situation is not working, and then take the necessary steps to change the situation they are in. I get it, trust me do I get it! You want what is best for those in your life, it isn't until they see that things aren't working out for them, that they will most likely want to change something. But even then, some people won't care, it is the hardest pill to swallow that some people are okay with the never ending cycle they are trapped in. But, there is hope ... there is always going to be hope. For some, they have to hit rock bottom in order to change. They won't do it for you, they won't do it for their families, they will only do it for them on their terms.

Listen, I get it. Watching someone you love struggle is the most painful thing we do as humans. Our humanity makes it so that we feel for them, we feel the weight they carry on their shoulders. But, we can't fix everyone ... we can't. I'll be honest, it took me a long time to realize I can't control what other people do, not in a toxic way ... but in a caring yet "smothering" way. See this loops back to last nights post. Some people they aren't equipped with the tools to handle someone who cares, they have been wired to not trust and to be skeptical of everyone's intentions. Me being me, it was foreign to me that someone hadn't received genuine care before, and that they thought nice things were only being done because I was looking to get something out of them. You can't change that, especially because people are thick headed they are stubborn and tend not to change their ways. When I see someone struggle I want to lighten their load, and help them ... in some cases we can't. We simply can't do the heavy lifting for them, they have to do it on their own. Sometimes the best of intentions come off as smothering to one because they don't know how to react or accept it, but to the once giving the care, it is hard because to them it is normal and just a genuine part of who they are.

I'm going to tell you something, no matter how much someone tries to push me away or cut me out of their life, it isn't reciprocated. I'll always be here, standing where you left me. I'll always be rooting for you, cheering you on, being in your corner - even when you are feeling most alone. The thing is, I can let go, but I'll never give up. I'll never stop fighting for you to become the best version of yourself that you can be. I see your potential, I see how amazing and unique you are ... I see all the things you can't see for yourself, and I'll never stop trying to remind you of your worth. I've realized that some people never heard it enough, they never got the positive messages they needed to fuel themselves to grow. Change, it's scary, it's daunting - but the one thing it isn't is whatever. Change is something to be proud of, you choose to pick yourself up and take the first step to bettering yourself. When you make that choice, that decision to do something about the state of the situation you are in, is where the process starts. Every step is one to be celebrated, because along the way there will be obstacles and hurtles but it is what you do to get through them and continue that matters. Nothing is simple, if it was - everyone would be doing it, everyone would be working on some sort of change.

It took me sitting on the floor of my shower tonight with the hot water flowing over me to realize, I can't pick everyone up, I can't fight their battles for them. I can only do so much, because somethings they have to do themselves. I could cry, but what good does that do. Instead what I need to do is support them, even if it is from afar - send encouragement and inspiration, remind them that I am thinking about them. But, the best thing I can do for them is pray, pray that they are not walking this journey alone, that they have someone watching over them. See, the challenge for me is to stop internalizing everything, not everything is my fault or my problem. As much as I want to help and save everyone, I have to know where the limit is, because not everyone wants the help.

It isn't whatever, but it is important. It is important to never give up on others ... but it is even more crucial to never give up on yourself. To give up on oneself is probably the saddest and gut wrenching things to witness. Please know it is okay to not be okay, it is more than okay to ask for help. Speak up ... your problems don't have to be your problems alone, someone in your life can face it with you. Reach out, ask for options and solutions, brainstorm. Know that people aren't going to judge you. The hardest part is asking for help, but the most rewarding part in doing so, is the feeling of unconditional love and support that comes with it. You had the courage to break the cycle, no one would ever or should ever judge you for that. They had not been in your shoes, or walked the path that you did. Don't be afraid to speak up ... don't be afraid to take that step forward. It may be a long journey but you don't have to do it alone, and know jus because you stumble doesn't mean you've failed, it means you are human - you learn from the mistakes made and you grow from them.

It is all meant to challenge us. Challenge those who are struggling, and those of us who are apart of the lives of someone who is grappling with a struggle. Don't give up on those who need you, even when they push you away ... it is when they need you the most - they are crying out for help in the only way they know how to. But, know that your struggle as the one trying to offer support does not go unnoticed- that burden you carry is valid. Never discredit yourself by saying "it's whatever" because it clearly isn't because it is bothering and effecting you. Make sure you do what you can, but don't do too much where you burn out or get hurt. I'll leave you with this thoughts - has there ever been a time where you've seen someone struggle and you chose to walk away instead of aid them? What made you turn your back on someone? Was it because it was difficult, was it because someone pushed you away and you thought that was what they wanted? Have you since gone back to check on them to see how they were doing? In the world we live in ... don't wait another day, tomorrow isn't promised, go and say what you've been meaning to say, make amends, reconnect, reach out. Tell someone how you truly feel because you'll regret never doing it. And remember - it isn't whatever.