Journey

Saturday, May 02nd, 2020

I am all about self growth and I believe that it starts within. I came to realize that I did not recognize myself lately, I would look in the mirror and find that I had lost a part of myself and who I was. Sometimes things happen, and they don't turn out the way we plan, but that is life and we have to adapt and bounce back. I've realized that sometimes when we give too much of ourselves, we loss who we are. We give it all up, and become consumed by the emptiness someone or something leaves behind when they are done taking what they wanted. I'm tired of kicking myself thinking that I could do more to change things, because honestly sometimes we give our all and it just isn't enough for some people.

I love podcasts, I like to run to them because sometimes its easier to follow along with than listening to music. I stumbled upon a recommendation to listen to the 75 day hard, and it is something I defiantly need in my life. I need a challenge, I need something to keep me focused, and something to get me going. I need to better myself, I need to heal, and rebuild, and I need to get back to who I was before I lost myself. Before I tried to change to fit what someone needed and wanted. I lost who I was, I lost the voice I had to advocate for the things I needed. I was always watering someone else's garden, and I let mine dry up. I became someone I didn't like seeing in the mirror, the way I would talk to my parents and treat them ... wasn't me it was a new version of myself that I didn't like.

So I accepted the challenge that I gave myself. For the next 75 days, I'm limiting my social media use, I'm going to read everyday (non-fiction), I'm going to fuel my body inside and out, drinking water, giving up alcohol, I am going to cleanse my self and give my body the things it needs - by removing what it doesn't. I am going to make sure I get moving, and that I am healing my mind, my body, and my soul. I think the easiest thing for me to do is to give up alcohol giving up any vice that plages me. I am really going to find a new routine, form a schedule, and stick to it. I need that normalcy in my life, I need to give myself time to focus on other things, and not other people. I need to focus on my health, my well-being, my mental state.

I'll keep writing, expressing myself is one of the things I dont always do well. I can writing how I feel and what I want to say, but I can't always speak it. I will continue to pray, and do nightly devotions, the Bible App is really cool, it has plans that I can pick from that I appreciate because it is bringing me closer to my faith and helping me rebuild my relationship with God that I had drifted away from. I will be more mindful of what I put in my body, because our bodies are our temple, we only have one so we must treat it with respect. I don't want to put junk in, water, fruits, vegetable, all amazing clean things that our body needs. I will strengthen my Body and my mind through exercise to get up and moving. I will most importantly keep a sleep schedule and stop going to bed so late or sleeping most of the day away. I will read more and keep my brain active.

During this time of quarantine I haven't been taking care of myself, I've let my depression grow, and take over. I've let it impact my emotions, and take control of my relationships all of them with my friends and family. I have given up and allowed my anxiety to manifest, and cause me to think irrationally at times. It is okay to step up and take care of ourselves, to put ourselves first. It is more than okay to realize you are worthy, you are worth love. I'm going to hold myself accountable, I am going to take on this challenge to rediscover who I am, what I've lost, and what I have yet to find and discover. I am doing this to heal, to put my broken pieces back together, to learn from my past and my mistakes. The decisions we make are there to teach us lessons. I don't want to make excuses anymore, I don't want to hurt the people in my life that have stuck by me, I don't want to push people I care about away.

I need to heal in order, to grow. I need to focus on myself to be a better person. One of my friends who is probably the most caring person I know, told me in the last few months they watched my light dim, and that I wasn't the same person they cared and loved. They said they saw a sadder side of me, and while it wasn't for the whole time they were right. My light did dim, I wasn't not the same person, I became quiet, dark, full of pain and sorrow. It took me a while to realize I wasn't the root of the problem and that I was hurting. Sometimes hurt people, continue to hurt people and it isn't intentional but those of use good willed, full of light end up getting hurt because we want to believe we can help everyone. Good exists it just gets lost sometimes. I've realized that I'm going to be 23 next month, and there is so much that I still want out of life, but I also have learned there are things I won't put up with a second time. I've learned what I am and what I am not looking for.

The future is bright, I know now I cant dwell, I cant be stuck in the past, I cant continue to look back. I have to live in the present moment and trust wha the future has to hold. I know I am meant to do something in this world, and I hope those in my life that mean so much to me will be apart of it, who knows who I'll meet, who will come back into my life, who will leave my life. All I know is I am taking a leap of faith to invest in becoming mentally tougher, to be physically stronger, and to come out of this a better person, a version of myself that I am proud of when I look in the mirror. To remind myself of my value and worth ... we all make mistakes and fall down so if I fail any part of the challenge, the clock restarts back at 1, because for me to be successful I need to do this for 75 straight days no interruptions or exceptions. I challenge you to do something for yourself, something that scares you, something that will better who you are and will make you smile. Life Is hard, challenge yourself to do something you didn't think you could do, push yourself because you're the one putting in the work and it will surprise you. Even a little change like not sleeping with your phone, put your charger away from your bed .. improve your sleep and remove that connection to the device.