Ledge

Saturday, May 23rd, 2020

Have you even felt like you were standing on the ledge of a break through? Like you were being pushed toward the edge of something, but something was also holding you back before taking the leap. Sometimes we need that push or we need to follow through on what is pulling us in a certain direction. Its hard sometimes those ledges come out of no where. I've faced a lot of ledges lately. I was on the ledge and I was pushed off when I got my heart broken. I was on the ledge when I got diagnosed with cancer and it pulled me.

I'm definitely tired of life testing my patience. I've tired of being on the ledge. Today I thought I was in a good spot. I spent the day with my family, made a bomb ass charcuterie board, and took the phatest of naps. After my nap through I was kicking myself for not working out. So I did a workout before dinner, had dinner, and I went for a 4.5 miles stroll through the neighborhood post dinner to clear my head, get some fresh air, and to of course get my steps in for the day. ITs all about getting moving and getting the blood pumping, it changes my thinking for sure.

But, I found myself late tonight with something caught in my throat, and all of a sudden I cried. I haven't cried in nearly a month and I thought I was doing so well! So well at picking myself up, putting myself back together, and healing. But, we all need that constant reminder that we are in fact human, and that we have emotions that will get us sometimes, even when we aren't prepared for them. I cried because I miss someone I love. I miss his voice, his smile, I miss his name lighting up my phone was a FaceTime call. At first I thought it was my mind tricking me, trying to tell me I miss being with someone - but that isn't true. I am content with who I am and where I am. Alone, by myself. And I'm okay with that.

I just miss him, I miss the companionship he provided, he was becoming my best friend. When I found out I got into law school - I called him before I called my mom. I was so excited to tell him. But now ... especially tonight it got me thinking about him. Ya I guess he's doing well, he's living, he posts a snapchat story nearly everyday. But, I restrain myself, I try so hard not to look, not to click on it and see what he's doing. Thats the thing, I dont think it would even matter or effect him if I did look ... I just know for myself I cant, it hurts too much to look. I've caved in twice and looked at it, and it didn't help. It just made me miss him more. He's out there living his life like nothings happened, I wish I could be okay with the fact that we are strangers again ... but it hurts my heart to accept that.

I was talking to my best friend tonight, and she asked how I felt. She hasn't brought him up in conversation since I told her I got my sweatshirt back ... and I started to cry. I asked her if she thought he missed me, because it sure as hell feels like I am the only on hurting over this and I'm missing him which is so stupid, She laughed and said shed bet me a million dollars that he does, and that he wants me to see his snaps. I highly doubt it, I told her I get her five million dollars that she's wrong. And I know deep down she is wrong, there is no hope in my heart that tells me he's missing me. Man does it suck to feel like you aren't worthy or good enough ... I mentally know its not true, but sometimes the doubt creeps back in.

I've really been channeling my energy into physically healing. Fueling my body with the right nutrients. Working out at home, walking, running, getting my steps in. I have been mentally healing through writing, listening to podcasts, and daily affirmations. And I have been spiritually healing by doing nightly devotionals and praying. While I have gotten a lot closer to god, I have mended relationships with family, and I have discovered a new found strength in my self. Doubt still exists, I still self sabotage and over think. But I have really gotten out of my depression cycle I haven't been depressed, I haven't been anxious my anxiety is nearly minimal- unless you were to ask me about my plans for the future RIP. But I have learned to be rational and realistic. I know things are bigger than me, more complicated - it is just hard not to internalize them and put the blame on myself, when it doesn't belong to me. It isn't my burden to bare.

I realized I sometimes put myself on the ledge, I need to take care of myself. I am always so quick to take on everything for everyone. I want to help everyone with there load, and lighten their burden that sometimes I forget about myself, and my journey. I'll never stop helping people, but I will stop pushing myself closer to the ledge. I have no desire to jump, to be pushed, or pulled on way anymore. I am human, I accept how I feel. I now channel it differently. I pray everyday for the man who broke my heart, that he gets better, and is healthy, and happy. Spiritually it fulfills me knowing I cant physically do anything for him, so while we haven't talked in a month next week ... I can still think about him and channel that into a constructive pray. I know mentally I cant be on social media so I have really limited my usage and it has been a relief and blessing. Physically I have an avenue to channel my energy, feelings, and emotions. I can get a clear head and really become strong and tough.

If you are ever feeling neglected instead of blaming others, reflect - think about whether you have been taking the best care of you that you can. While I have always loved myself, I have always accepted me and the skin I'm in I've come to realize not everyone does. Think to yourself the next time you want to blame yourself for not being enough for someone - how could they love you, when they dont even love themselves. Once they accept and love themselves then, and only then could they possibly love someone else. Don't allow yourself to be pushed in a certain direction, lead yourself, let god guide you. Believe that everything happens for a reason, what will be will be, and things in the end will work out the way they are meant too. Remember it is okay to cry, it happens it reminds us we are human and dont let anyone tell you other wise! Dont lose faith, believe there is hope. Who knows ... you never know what someone is thinking about or how they are feeling.