Letting Go

Thursday, June 11th, 2020

Next week will be two months. Two months since I saw your face, since I knew what it was like to feel your arms around me, in what was our goodbye - even though we said it wasn't meant to be a goodbye. I've taken up running, and that to me is a personal hell. But I need to constantly put myself through a state of pain to remind myself that I'll be okay, even if I'm not okay right now. Two months, seems like a lot longer than that for sure, but the calendar doesn't lie. I've run everyday for the last two weeks, anywhere from 4-10 miles a day. It clears my head and stops the thoughts of missing you from flooding in. I'm looking forward to getting the gym back, because without my happy place, I can't fully heal. I can't work out my frustration, I cant be angry and let it out. See at least in the gym I know I can lift heavy and release everything. For now I fun, run from the thought of missing you, the thought of wondering if you are okay. I run from trying to hold on to the sound of your voice, or the smell of you lingering on me. Any time I walk by someone smoking 27s, the smell oh so familiar, causes me to have my eyes swell with small vats of water wanting to desperately to fall, but I won't let them ... I can't let them. I've run 62 miles in the last 11 days, crazy the things we as humans do to our bodies just to feel something, to release something.

Today it rained, poured actually - a thunderstorm. You know how cliche I am, I'd dance in the rain if I could. But instead - I found myself sitting on my driveway, having the rain pour down on me. I even laid down for a moment, soaking, drenched - cold. A reminder to myself that its okay to feel broke sometimes. Two months and I finally did it. I wore the sweatshirt that I once gave you. It was cold, I was drenched from the rain, and I needed something warm, comforting, safe to wear. At first it felt weird, I hadn't worn it since December when I decided it would be yours. You gave it back, I washed it, and kept it deep in my closet. I couldn't bring myself to wear it, to put it on. But, today I did. A part of me feelings like its a hug from you since you wore it, but I know that isn't true. I almost went outside to light up a 27, so I could have the comfort of a familiar smell. But, I didn't - I kept the pack hidden, tucked away holding one day to forget that they are there. Wearing the sweatshirt that has always been mine, but was once yours ... it made me cry. Wearing it hurt at first, I didn't want to keep it on, but I knew I was going to be cold without it. Honestly - I wish I could forget, I wish I could stop thinking about you on occasion, I wish I wouldn't wonder how you were, or what you were doing.

I had gone 6 weeks without having to drive in the direction toward your house. But, two weeks ago I had to, I couldn't avoid it I needed to go to the doctors. I went, I cried at the stop light waiting for it to turn green and allow me to turn left, once where I used to turn right. But, since then it has gotten easier, I've gone to the beach countless times, I've had to pass that stop light. I dont let it get to me the way I would have early on. Ya things have sucked the last two months. I lost the best friend I had found in you, I found out I have to go through radiation again. Every time I think I've picked myself back up and build everything up again ... somehow I end up getting knocked back down. For me the hardest pill to swallow was on Monday. No see I've always hated my birthday, But this year I was hopeful. All I wanted was a text, a message ... I genuinely just wanted to hear from you but that didn't happen. I dont know why it still shocks me, but it did. See when I say I'm going to stay friends with someone I mean it. I've stayed friends with everyone I've ever dated, and what sucks is all of them texted me on my birthday.... all but you. I get that people disagree but being human and civil ... It doesn't take much effort to be kind, to show you care.

Letting go is the hardest part, because it means giving up on someone you loved. It means walking away after fighting so hard. Its been two months and I still miss your voice. But, I've also changed in these two months, I've been focused on myself, rebuilding what you broke. I've been investing in more self-love. I even started putting myself out there again, I've been talking to a really cool guy, but something is holding me back, I keep finding excuses not to meetup and hang out, which is stupid because we FaceTime regularly. I guess for me, meeting up with someone dont close a chapter, it cements it shut. It is me releasing any hope that things would change and be different. So. I guess I'm not going to hold myself back anymore, I guess its time to go on that date that I've been ducking because I was scared to try again.

Its not the letting go that hurts. Its the I still love you, and the I miss you that hurts. Its the way I think about you before I go to bed, and wondering if you think about me or miss me the way that I miss you. It's knowing that we are never going to speak to each other the same way that we used to. Its knowing that your not going to hold me anymore. You'll never hear my silence and ask me if I'm okay. And then get frustrated with me because I say I'm fine even though you know that's not the truth. It's knowing I'm grieving a loss with a person that is still alive. And it's knowing that I'm going to see you one day with someone else. And honestly I don't know if I can take it It's knowing that even after everything we've been through I'm still here wishing you the best. I'm still hoping you're happy. And that you find someone what loves you and is perfect for you because ..... you deserve it. It's not the letting go that hurts. It's letting go knowing I still love you, even after everything. You want to know why it hurts? It hurts because I loved this person with every bone in my body, in every part of me - I loved them. In my head, I thought this could be the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with and then ... we broke up. I had to come to the conclusion that they are not that person for me ... at least not now with how things stand. But, I had to come to this conclusion based on the love that I received, see they weren't ready or able to love me, why? because they weren't even capable of loving themself at the time. I needed to stop looking at it from the point of view of the love that I gave this person. Because I gave enough love for them to stick around, actually I gave them more than enough love, more than what they deserved. I gave him everything I loved him with every bone, every cell, ever fiber of my being - and he, he couldn't love me back in that same way. That isn't my fault it is his - I gave that love to someone who didn't know how to be loved he didn't know what to do with such a love like that - that it scared him and he pushed me away and ran. I gave love to someone who didn't appreciate, or understanding how much I was giving him.

I listened to my best friends, friends that I've had in my life for 10 years. I stopped going on social media more than once a day. I hardly snapchat anymore, rarely check Instagram, and its helps me remove anxiety that I have, about seeing if one of us will break the silence first. If I post on any of my stories, I dont check to see who's seen it ... mainly because I dont want to know if you did or didn't, because either way it will still hurt. I never wanted to cut you out, I didn't want radio silence and drifting like strangers. I wanted a friendship where I still got to talk to you and see your stupid face. But, I guess I wasn't worth holding on to. I realized that when you didn't message me for my graduation or my birthday. It hurts to know I was fighting a solo battle, I was doomed to lose at the jump. I never had a shot. I have no ill will, I have nothing but love in my heart for you, thank you for opening up to me, for trusting me and being vulnerable with me to tell me about your struggles, your demons, and your past. All of that is safe with me, your secrets are kept and will never be spread. Thank you for brightening my life, and going on the crazy journey with me. Thank you for opening my heart again. You gave me memories I wouldn't have had, you pushed me out of my comfort zone to do things I wouldn't have done. It was an adventure, and for that I'm grateful. It was a learning experience, I'm not bitter, you taught me a lot. Letting go is relaxing everything into the universe and knowing what will be will be. Its been two months, and I haven't quite gotten over you, I haven't stopped loving you. But, I am finally ready to let go of what I was holding on to - in order to open myself up to the next adventure and experience life has in store. Letting go doesn't mean forgetting, letting go means acknowledging that what will be will be. Things happen for a reason, we meet people for a reason, people cross paths, they come and go. Sometimes they come back - whatever the case I set everything free and what is meant to be will always find away to work out. I let go of the past, I let go of anything stopping me from being happy - I let go of peoples mistakes because we are human no one is perfect and things happen. I hope you are taking care of yourself, that you are working, sleeping, eating right. I hope you are well but most importantly I hope you are happy! Letting go is the hardest thing anyone can do, it takes strength to breathe and take the next step forward. For me, it is actually putting myself out there, and no making excuses to go out and meet the person I'm talking to. Life wasn't meant to be easy, if it was everyone would be doing the same thing. Heal, rest up, focus on nurturing yourself - than things will fall into place.