Life Is Short

Wednesday, April 29th, 2020

What did I do today? Welp - I woke up and didn't know what day it was so that was fantastic. Than I realized it is Wednesday which meant I had one day left of being lazy, why you may ask well! Thursday I have my first and only final of the semester, I have a paper due, and I have my final class ever for my undergrad career. Aside from that the only thing I would have left is my final paper due on May 5th. But In my head I've convinced myself that paper is due this Friday so I could round out the week, have nothing left and be done early. I couldn't tell you why because without school ... what the heck am I supposed to do with all my free time? I don't know ... I've contemplated getting a job at the grocery store or CVS just to have something to do, plus while I've got money saved I miss making money and having the structure and the routine a job has given me. It's the first time I haven't been employed since I was fifteen, and while it was nice to just focus on academics I'm over it and ready to get back to some sort of normalcy.

Anyway! Today was an odd one, I woke up before ten which was kinda nice, I got up at nine, and left to go on a hike around ten. I stayed out in till around noon and then came home to "grind it out" lol but I did not do that at all. Rather, I laid in bed I watched a ten episodes of a show I had started on Netflix, I wasted 450 minutes out of my day that's 7.5 hours! I could have used that time to study for my Constitutional Law Final tomorrow, or I could have used that time to write my 3-4 page paper that is due before my 4:30 class Thursday. None of those things occurred. I waited until 9:30 to write my paper, and lucky for me I had prepared for it ahead of time by actually doing the assignments leading up to it so I submitted it at 11:00. At no fault of my own the paper ended up being 8 pages, and 2882 words, mildly shocked that I had written and submitted it in under 2 hours. Though I'm not going to lie I 100% full sended it and submitted it without proof reading it and I have zero regrets honestly zero ... Hey I'm just happy I got it done, and submitted it 17 hours before it was due, and I did more than the bare minimum.

Aside from this shocking revelation of motivation, I realized I can't imagine laying in bed all day long watching movies or tv shows. Ya, I'm all about self care and taking those mental health days to do what is best for you, but to me, I can't get sucked into that rabbit whole and do it everyday I'd lose my mind, like I'd go crazy. I need to find an outlet and be productive, and that is going to be more and more critical to do once classes are over. I've made a list of hiking trails and places to go visit and get lost in. I've decided I'll have to take up running because LORD all I want to do is swim and work out at the gym, this is the longest I've ever gone in the last four years without lifting weights or going to the gym and it is starting to eat away at me. I need a new outlet to channel my energy and focus. Today I climbed up the mountain I was hiking and sat down on a rock at the top, and thought to myself that it would be an amazing place to come and escape to, to go there and sit - to hide away from the world. I could write, I could journal, I could just sit there in the silence and listen to the wind blow and birds sing, doesn't really sound that bad to me.

I did find myself wanting to text them today, wanting to ask how they were ... if they wanted to go for a hike, it would be something to do and it would get them out of the house. But, I stopped myself, and I didn't. I didn't because I knew either a) I wouldn't get a response or b) they'd be to "busy" doing something else and by that I mean laying in bed watching movies ... ... .... but I'm proud of myself, I thought about them a little less today. I came across a meme that I knew they'd appreciate but I knew better than to tag them in it, even though it was a pulp fiction reference and they were the only person in my life that I knew would get it. It's baby steps, it isn't easy to reprogram your brain, it isn't easy to train yourself to follow a new habit, but it gets a little easier every day one step at a time.

One of my closest friends asked me if I'd ever stop loving him ... and she already knew the answer, we've been friends since we were ten - she didn't need me to respond but I did. The truth, probably not. I don't think I could ever stop loving him, this time was different it wasn't like any other relationship I had been in and trust me I've dated a few characters (The law student, the navy sailor, the lacrosse bro, etc.) This time I trusted the person and the process, like always I gave 100% but this time I gave all of me, I gave everything without hesitation or reservation. I learned what it was to lose apart of me when we broke up. If you want to know something that sucks, everyone who I've dated in the past, that I've helped grow and become better versions of themselves, they got into relationships within a month of us breaking up, and they all have been with that person ever since ... its hard to watch that happen over and over again. I'm not complaining I love helping people better themselves and learn to be the best versions of themselves. But, once it would be nice to keep it, to have them in my life. To know I helped them put in the work, and now I get to enjoy it and appreciate it. Rather than giving them the best version on themselves, and having someone else enjoy and get to experience them for who they are at there best - when I was the one who put in the effort, and energy to help them get there. It would be nice to keep it around for once.

When my friend asked if I'd stop loving him, I felt a pain in my chest, I couldn't imagine a world were I didn't love him anymore, but I also couldn't imagine a world were I never loved him to begin with. It's hard, because I'm trying to stay busy and focus on other things, but when it gets to be late at night and I can't sleep I think about him, and I have to stop myself from calling him or thinking about him. I know that the chance he'd ever come back is small, at this point I'm holding on to hope. But, I know if he was to start seeing someone else, that I'd die a little bit. Like I think it would actually break me, because then I'd know I wasn't enough, I wasn't good enough to give him everything he needed. I'd want him to be happy because that is more important to me than anything ... but I know it would hurt more than us ending things. To tell you the trust I told my best friend I don't think I'd recover, ya, I have my faith and I pray everyday for Gods healing, strength, and guidance but sometimes the man tests my patience and I dont know if I could take that type of hurt on my heart again. I know I can't blame myself, but it feels like yet again I wasn't worthy to be with him and it's painful.

But, hey looking on the bright side I have law school in the fall. Who knows where I'll be yet I've still got two weeks to figure it out. I've got two weeks till virtual graduation, and I've got two weeks till "summer" is here. While I won't be backpacking Europe for a month, I'll have time to plan my next big trip when the time is right, who knows maybe I'll have a travel companion for that. Till then, I'm finishing my burn after writing book. I'll leave you with this to think about - Have you realized that life is short? Well I have quarantine really put that in prospective for me especially with being so distant from those I love and care about. Life is short, it is fragile ... we don't know how many birthdays we have left, we don't know how many more good mornings we will have. We don't know when the last time we will open our eyes or see someone. We don't need a birthday to celebrate we need to start celebrating life, celebrating people - if you haven't told someone you love them DO IT. Do it .. NOW. I've realized there is no reason to wait, no reason to put it off and do it tomorrow. Tell people you love them, tell people you care, call them, text them, hug them. If the world was t end tomorrow would you be happy with how things were? If not stop waiting, and do something to change it. Fear is irrelevant right now life is too short to let it stand in your way.