Living

Thursday, May 21st, 2020

So it happened. I sat down and I put down the final deposit. I figured out where I am going to be when it comes to the mid to end of August. I know that it might not be where I pictured myself going originally but everything works out the way it is supposed to, everything happens for a reason. There is a purpose in everything that happens or will happen. So I'm grateful to know that I did it, I got into a great law school, I am going into a great program, and I know I will excel when it comes to getting things done in the classroom.

I did it. I signed the paperwork, and I did the deed. I am now locked into a plan, a plan that I needed because it allows me to follow structure and a routine. Helps me get things in order to how they need to be. I am able to organize my life so that I can get things in order. I am living, living again I should say. I rediscovered my purpose and motivation, and I am able to focus on the future. I am living for me, I am able to use the building blocks I am given to secure my future.

Sometimes it is hard to truly live, and I think I found that with this quarantine. Isolation really does a number on a person, and getting ones heart broken defiantly does its own number too. I had a double punch of reality hit me moving home, healing from a breakup, and trying to grow from the ashes of the situation. What I learned was all I could do was focus on myself, I was able to redirect all my energy on to me. I was able to heal, mend, and grow. I found myself pushing myself to limits, getting creative to do certain things, and just taking a step back to help put pieces back together.

I have always been a problem solver. I have always been able to navigate what is thrown my way, I encourage obstacles to surface in my life. Sometimes it is discouraging but other times it is needed and it is humbling. This time around I needed to live for myself. I wasn't going to let my situation define me permanently. I have been told by so many people that I have a good head on my shoulders. While it is true, sometimes I am stubborn. Sometimes I dont want to listen to people looking out for me, because I think I know best! While that isn't true I dont always know best, and I do know when someone is telling me something it is for my own good and that it isn't being done to hurt me.

The best part about feeling like I am living again, is waking up in the morning and breathing in the fresh air of the new day. I have a purpose to get up in the morning and I am able to get going and start my day. I am able to have a structure in my routine that I can stick to. Making a check list of things I want to accomplish in a day has been so helpful and useful. I am able to get it done thought the day, and I can feel accomplished in doing so.

I found myself smiling at my reflection in the mirror this morning. While I couldn't tell if I was smiling at the fact that I was slightly tanner from being out in the sun, or because I was happy with the changes that I saw in myself that I didn't see two weeks ago. Small changes things I have done make me feel refreshed. Even little things like making sure I get my steps in for the day, or that I am going for walks so I can get moving - it really has helped my mental and physical clarity. Even more than that I feel better about myself, more comfortable in my skin. I've always loved working out, but without the gym I have needed to get creative and find new ways to workout. Though I can not wait for the gym to open again so I can start lifting and enjoying my workout even more.

Sometimes it's the joy in little things like for me lifting and swimming add joy and that helps me live. I am grateful everyday when I wake up in the morning and I am able to have another day on this earth. I am grateful when I have the chance to tell the people I care about how much I appreciate and love them. I am living because I am not holding myself back, I am not wallowing in pity or sadness because the person I loved broke my heart. Instead I am focusing on living my life I am focused on taking care of myself. It is easier to look out for other people, but have you ever invested the same energy, effort, and focus in on yourself? Trust me when you start to do that you really start to live.

I know that tomorrow isn't promised, so I will never hold grudges, I will never be mad or spiteful. I dont block people, I dont cut them off. If we aren't talking its because I respect the space they need. But, I'll always be there to answer or listen if they message me. The line of communication is always open and it works both ways. I'm just out here living my life, and I reach out to those who have reached out to me. I know that not everything works out the way we hope, but that is why somethings are meant to be left alone, and revisited at a later date. For now I am not worrying about other people or what is not in my control - why? Because I am too busy living my life, enjoying the beautiful weather and fresh air. I am too busy excited for my next chapter, law school, a new apartment, a new car - things that I have accomplished along the way.

What I've learned is don't put the breaks on your life for someone else. Don't give up your dream, or compromise to make someone else happy. Also you deserve so much more than just giving all the time in a relationship you deserve to receive what you give and be met half way. Never fulfill someone else's needs, while yours aren't being met because that is not only not fair, but it leaves you unfulfilled and unsatisfied. Live your live, that's all you can do - you cant live it for someone else. Others will follow, it just might take them some time.