Marathon Monday

Monday, April 20th, 2020

For those who don't know today is Patriots day, and for those of you who are fellow Boston residents today is commonly known as Marathon Monday. I woke up this morning and really sat with the fact that today was "Marathon" Monday. How could I apply that to my life, I'm no runner, while I do enjoy the runners high after a 5k, you'll never see me run more than six miles at a time, and that's on a rare occasion - And when I say rare I mean rare; like steak still alive rare. For anyone who knows me running is my last resort, for obvious reasons like knee problems. But, aside from physical running, figuratively I also don't run away. I've never ran away from a problem in my life, instead I like to sit and get burned by the fire that should trigger my flight response but instead I get a solid fight reaction. Who knows maybe I'm crazy, maybe the chemicals in my brain are off - wiring an incorrect reaction. But, I simply don't run.

To run a marathon, you've got to have mental strength, mental clarity, mental toughness. While I don't plan on running a marathon anytime soon (ask my uncle, he's been trying to get me to join in on this running things for years now). I do look at life as a marathon. Life has different stages, different chapter, different stories to be told. Each one ... it's own section. Life just like time goes by far too quickly, there's no stoping it, no pause, and defiantly no chance to rewind. So why sprint through life? There are certain moments we as humans want to savor, we want to hold on to ... maybe even wish they would last forever. Those are the moments we want time to stop for, time to slow down. Have you ever laid down at night and wished to relive a memory? To be able to go back, not to change anything, but savor it, to experience it one more time. Kind of a way to never forget how it made you feel? It can't just be me.

See, I have two memories that I wish I could go back to. One was from nearly a decade ago, and the other not nearly as far back. Let's start with the older one and than move to the most recent shall we. If I was to go back in time without any consequences or reservations, I'd go back to thirteen, sitting by my grandparents pool, its nearing the end of summer, the breeze is crisp but not cold enough to make me shiver. My grandfather just got home from work, and I've been waiting to talk to him all day. He sits down next to me and it's like nothing else matters, I get my daily kiss on the forehead, and I ask him about his day. He get's quiet and tells me to never change how I talk to people. I didn't understand it, not until I was older that simply taking an interest in someone and asking them certain questions makes them feel important. But, well get back to lessons later - time to get back to the flash back. We sat outside and all I can remember is sitting next to him with my head on his shoulder, listening to him tell me that life changes, and that you have to fight for what you want in life to be happy, the things that matter most don't come easy, and to always listen to my gut because it will tell me what is right. He always had away with words, he never talked down to me ... I was always seen by him, he always heard me. I learned so much from him not just in life, but especially that summer. We stood up, hugged, and than went about cleaning the pool filters. I didn't realize how important memories like that are, or how precious moments like can be, they are rare, but mean so much.

My grandfather was my hero, my best friend, I told that man everything ... and I mean everything, even when I lied I couldn't lie to him, he knew. That summer was our last together, he passed away three weeks after the memory I'd want to go back to. I wouldn't want to go back to change anything, because as I've gotten older I've realized when its our time, its our time ... God knows when to call us home, and my grandfather finished his work here on earth when he did. I didn't realize that at thirteen. But, I do now. It's been a really long time since I talked about him, not because I forget, but because sometimes it makes me miss him more. The last two weeks, I have been thinking about this memory. What it would be like to experience it as a twenty-three year old instead of a thirteen year old. There defiantly would be different questions I'd ask. Heck, this man was the biggest role model and male figure in my life. I'd start by asking him if he was proud of me, and the decisions I've made. I'd than ask him a question I'd never ask anyone but him, see that's the thing, I've never had a relationship as special or important as mine with him, he just understood and got me - always listened and never judged. I'd ask him about "you" what he would do. I'd just want to know, from his experience and his life ... if there was anything I could do. His biggest piece of advice was give it time, and I know maybe time and space will help the situation but I also know that isn't the answer I'm looking for. But, the thing about him was he never would lie and tell me what I wanted to hear, he'd be honest and right, man was that man never wrong. I'd give anything to have this conversation with him, to know if fighting is worth it in the end, if investing in this marathon was going to reward me in the end, or if it was going to break me to where I couldn't come back from it.

See, I know me, I know I will continue to fight, to see that good in everyone. I see the potential, I see the full picture. I see what some people can't see right away. Because I see their heart, I know there is good, I know what they can be ... and I can't let myself give up on caring about someone because I see all of those things, and I just want to help them see it too. That I get from my grandfather, such a kind heart, only saw that good, acknowledged the bad but never labeled anyone because of it, helped them to grow past it. If I could go back to ten years ago I'd thank my grandfather for making me who I am, for teaching me so much ... I'd also love one more forehead kiss, and a never ending hug. It's because of him that I hate goodbyes, even leaving his house growing up I'd need a good five minutes of just hugging and saying goodbye I'll see you soon, even now I still do that to some extent.

The memory I'd want to go back to recently, is a memory I wouldn't change, I'd just want to feel it again. The day we met, It was wild, a whirlwind, not expected but unforgettable. Sometimes I wonder if you ever think about it, or ... if you even remember it. I know I do. It was special, and it meant something to me. I can't say for sure if it meant anything to you, but I know it changed how I viewed thing. It had been so long since I had let my guard down even remotely, I felt a rush of life that came with excitement and adventure. It was the moment you held my hand, that my heart didn't race, it calmed, felt at peace and at home ... a feeling lost for who knows how long. I'd just want to go back to the start, where things were happy, simple, easy. Just to feel what started everything. I need that, because it would remind me why I'm fighting so hard, I'm holding on when ... it feels like you've already let go. It feels like you closed the chapter without realizing there were two authors. This is me, speaking my inner thoughts to a void that I'd bet money on, the fact that you'd never read this. And even if you did, you wouldn't know what to do with it ... you wouldn't say anything. Life is a marathon, and maybe we sprinted when we shouldn't have. But, I know I'm not ready to let go, I'm not ready to leave. I'm here fighting and holding on to the faith I have in you.

Marathons like life aren't meant to be easy, they are meant to challenge us. Only the ones who put in the work make it, and at the finish line the reward is so worth it. All I can say is, I'm not done training, not done putting in the work. I'm not ready to give up .... because to me giving up is losing and I'm not going to do that. I'm ready to take things slow, to pace day by day as they come. I am ready to be in it for the long haul. I can't do the work for other people, sometimes you are on mile 20 and they are still at mile 14. If it is worth it, don't give up. You are meant to fight for a reason, someone else might take flight, let them ... it will all work out in the end. Trust me, it has to ... there's always a lesson to be taught and lesson to be learned. I've learned to leave gas in the tank, to not invest and go all in at the beginning. Slow and steady when it comes to releasing communication, and caring. Listen, it's a marathon not a sprit, push yourself, do something that scares you. Drop your vice, take up a new hobby, channel your time and energy into something. Learn to live, and learn to grow one day at a time because we cannot get these memories or moments back so make them last. Just know ... no matter what anyone tells you there is always hope so never give up even when it is difficult because when you pull yourself up and out of it - things can only go up from there.

If you could go back to a memory, what would it be - what does it signify to you? Have you been sprinting through life, pacing your way through the marathon, or have you been a passive by stander on the sidelines waiting to start living your life? What will it take to help change where you are right not?