Parallel Lines

Saturday, August 01st, 2020

Well, it has been some time since I've sat down to right. I couldn't find the words to describe how I was feeling, or what I was going through. But, over the last two months I have been able to really look at myself as a whole. I have taken time away from social media, taken time to really reflect inwardly on myself, my choices, the decisions I was making. I made changes in my life, small ... some could be seen as meaningless to others. But, for me they have really changes my mind set, my perspective, and my approach to things. I've been less anxious, I'm defiantly not as hard on myself any more, I have separated how others view me, from how I see myself. The truth is, no one knows everything, no one knows the full story, so really the only opinion that matters to me - should be my own. It's really been a change of pace, to reflect on my inward self, which in turn affects my outer self.

It was a weird feeling today, I got home changed into an over sized mens button down that I purchased at Target to sleep in, and sat on my bed with my lap top. I don't know what it is, but ever since I was little I always tried to romanticize life. My friends tell me I say corny shit, I use metaphors and cliches, and that I look at life like it was a movie or music video. I don't know why but sometimes it's just better to look at life in a positive light, to have a good outlook on situations provides a new perspective. I've defiantly been focusing on rebuilding myself from within. I have renewed my faith, and I really have a deeper spiritual connection than before, I feel like I have a better understanding and relationship with my faith. It is comforting to know I have something to turn to in order to feel fulfilled. But, I have found fulfillment elsewhere outside of my faith and scripture. I have really connected with myself, and giving my body not only what it needs, but what it is asking for. I have stopped saying, "Yes" all the time to the people in my life. I am no longer afraid to not run myself down for others. I keep my last 5% for myself instead of giving it to others.

I have been making sure to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night. I have a routine for when I wake up in the morning, and when I get ready for bed. I don't stay up super late, and I am getting up early so I can be productive and not waste the day away. I have channeled my energy, focus, and frustrations into motivation to fuel me at the gym. I work out 6-7 times a week (realistically 7, I've taken 4 days off since May 2nd). I work out anywhere from 2-3 hours a day. Mainly lifting weights, with a mix of some cardio to keep things balanced. I've been so focused on getting in the best swimming shape I can for a comeback season! I have been reading more, writing poetry again, and just doing the things I love. I've started putting myself first. But, actually doing it, and not just saying it - like whole heartedly I have been just focused on working on Me, building myself up, fixing what was broken, and trying to heal the wounds someone left me with. I treat my body like a temple, I've changed the way I eat, and how I fuel myself. I rarely eat gluten, or anything processed. I limit my dairy. I eat as clean as I can, fruit, vegetables, rice, chicken, sweet potatoes - whole foods, as close to their natural state as possible. I look at food differently I use it to fuel my body - I no longer use it to cope with my emotions.

It has been an experience doing things for myself, in terms of not feeling like I'm being selfish when I say no to doing things for other people. I have been doing what makes me happy. But, the biggest lesson is I have learned to say no, I have learned that sometimes I can't do everything for everyone and that I need to do things for myself. Changing my habits and lifestyle is something I am actually super proud of. But, also - I am proud that I have said no to indulging, I haven't been drinking the last time I drank was to celebrate my friends birthday at the end of June. I haven't felt the need to taint my body, to mess with my mental clarity, or to consume unnecessary calories. I have just been "Doing me" and it honestly has been the best thing I could have done.

With that being said, I have had time to reflect on the last few months. 2020 has been a challenge, I often said I hoped 2020 would be "the year" but 2020 had other plans. I often joked that 2020 was canceled and to call me when 2021 starts. But, I'm not about to waste the time I have been given wishing it away. 2020 started out great, and than progressively along the way it went down hill getting worse, but we have the power to turn it around and to put it on a positive course. Not everything is in our control, but what is in our control are things we can fix, change, and improve. Have you ever listened to music and you related to it so hard that it messed you up? Sometimes the emotions are just so raw that you feel it so deeply. Think of Parallel lines, they run together, mirroring each other. Have you ever been frozen on your feet, too nervous to say something? I know I have been. I was frozen on my feet the night I told him I loved him. Some people .... they use that phrase so carelessly. I couldn't believe that I let myself dive in so deep. Have you ever said something and it just came out the right way so perfectly communicating how you've been feeling about someone. It was time to break the chains that were holding me back ... but it all back fired. I dropped my guard, my walls were knocked down, I was vulnerable. I gave my heart to someone, and they took a bit of my heart, and misplaced it. Nearly breaking me - shattering me in fact. I felt broken. For a while I couldn't breathe. I was in a fog. I genuinely didn't care what happened to me or what I was doing to myself.

I'm proud of myself for changing that mind set. I still haven't fully recovered. I still think about him. I haven't been able to shake him yet. I don't know when I'll able to put myself out there again, or when I'll be able to open myself up to someone again. I just know that I have been putting in the work for self growth. To better myself, to be proud of all the hard work I have put in and invested in me. Man did 2020 have different plans for me. Really was a slap in the face and a wake up call. It really showed me who my real friends were, who would stand by me. It taught me a lot about myself. At the end of the day it was a lesson, it was an experience. I've decided to take what I've learned and continue pushing forward. Right now there is so much going on int he world that I want to choose to be positive, to be encouraging, to show care and kindness. I want to be a light especially in a world right now full of hate. The world needs change and I want to make a difference. I want to be able to listen, to live life. I've realized life isn't a race but we've made it into one. We all need to take a step back and slow it down. We only get one life, one go around, one shot. Look at it this way - if life is a race than the finish line is six feet in the ground and then its over. Life is too short to be negative, to hurt others, to not go after what you want and say what you feel / mean. We need to slow it down, there is no way to win. Look when you do someone wrong, make it right. It is better to be the bigger person. But also - you dont want to regret anything.

I choose to be a light. I want to show people there are good people out there in the world. That people genuinely do care, that they want to do what they can to make someones day better. People can be nice and kind and do something caring without wanting anything in return. Someone can fill up someones car with gas without wanting anything in return. Someone can buy someone a birthday present without an ulterior motive. There are people out there that want to do good kind things because it makes them feel good. They aren't looking for anything they just want to pass on a good deed. They want to give someone an experience they might not have had before. They are trying there best to make someones day a bit better, and to normalize just being a genuine person.

Look life is too short not to tell people how we feel. Listen - just go for it. If you really mean it, then there is nothing to be scared of. Being honest and vulnerable is one of the things that makes us feel human - and feeling human - all of it, the good and the bad is what life is, it is what life is about. We have to experience it, we have to express it. Life is too short for what ifs, its too short to second guess ourselves. Stop holding yourself back because you are letting fear dictate your life. Life is scary, but you gotta take the risk to dive in, head first. Experience it, love, pain, failure, triumph - its all worth it! You learn so much, you grow, you come out the other side a better person, wiser, stronger.

Listen, you need to hear this: especially if you're afraid of loving again. If you're reading this I hope it reminds you of chances, I hope this reminds you that its okay to have failed relationships in the past. This is for the days that you'll be afraid of opening up to someone you'll want to tell everything about yourself. This is for the moments that you'll be afraid of restarting when you find someone who isn't afraid of your storms and doesn't get scared of your flaws. I want you to know that you're not actually scared of love. You're scared of being hurt. You're scared of letting people in and getting yourself scarred by their memories. I hope you remember that it's okay for you to be scared but I hope you don't deny yourself the right to love again. I know how it feels when you lose everyone you dreamt mouthful of forevers with. Maybe it still haunts you that you were never enough. Perhaps you're not yet done with the self blames and the self loathe. Listen, you can never be enough for someone who doesn't see how your eyes light up when you talk about all the things that you love. I hope you remember that its okay to see them go and when life gives you someone better, I hope and pray that you let them in. I hope this person reminds you of life, I hope you choose them because they aren't gonna let you go when life gets tough and when things start being ugly, I hope they will always hold your hand and show you the way. When you find someone who isn't afraid of loving you desire your hideous flaws, I hope you give yourself time. I hope you understand the language of your soul. I hope you try to understand yourself but beyond that all I hope you are never in a haste to find love. This is a resident for the days that you'll find it heavy to give yourself a chance to love again. I know you're in pain right now but I will always remind you that despite your failed attempts, despite all the headaches you will find someone who will understand the depth of your scars and words. Sometimes we need to be patient for timing to be right, for things to work out the way they are meant too. Don't forget, hearts run in parallel lines. They just need to be ready and accept the love that comes there way - sometimes they are lucky enough to receive more love than they believe they deserve, and they need to accept that they deserve to be loved that much, they deserve to know what it is like to be loved whole heartedly and treated the right way.