Part 2: Things Left Unsaid

Thursday, May 28th, 2020

It's taken a few days. See I'd say a couple but a couple of days usually means two, so saying a few gives you that window of three to five days. So specifically it took three days. I needed space, I needed a moment to step back and look at myself in the mirror. You know what its like to have a best friend, someone you look at as a sister ask you if you were okay, and I don't the kind of okay where you say yes I'm fine and shrug it off. I'm talking about genuinely wanting to know, and doing what it takes to get an answer. Well, for the first time in weeks I didn't know how to answer. A part of me felt free, relieved, another part of me cloudy, uncertain, sad. I answered the best way I could - with the truth. See we have nothing in this world if we dont have truth and honesty, that's why trust is so important. I trusted her enough to give her my real answer, "I'm not sure. I'm hurt, I'm confused. I'm not quite sure what okay looks like right now". (I've got the screen shots to prove if lol) - but that morning I didn't know what okay looked like, I didn't know what it was, or how it felt anymore. Instead of trying to jump and fix everything for me she just asked what she could do, and to me ... being there was all that mattered it counted for so much more than she knew.

I thought telling my story, well part of my story my actually story is nearly twenty-three years in the making and would take some time to tell, but I spoke my truth. I wasn't going to let anyone else out there twist the narrative to fit how they wanted to see things. I wasn't going to be the victim I wasn't going to let someone paint me in a negative light. It has taken time, it has taken me hating myself to actually realize I didn't do anything wrong. I questioned myself, I had so much self doubt and self hate that I really lost sight of the truth, my truth. I was believing a false narrative, painted lies that someone else created to feel better about themself and the choices they've made. I know I didn't do anything wrong, I'll never label myself a victim because I refuse to see myself as one - but I know I'll never let someone speak to me, or treat me that way again. I've been in bad spots before, I've been in really bad places, dark places in fact. For those of you who dont know, I dated someone who used to physically and emotional abuse me. I let this person tear me down when things weren't going in his favor. I've been kicked, punched, slapped both physically and figuratively. I've been told I was worthless, reminded everyday that I had flaws, even forgot how to smile for a while. I lost sight of who I was, because I was letting someone else tell me who I was - I let them control my narrative. I wasn't going to let that happen again.

While this time was different, I don't have any physical scars ... there are mental and emotional ones that run deep. In my previous piece I exposed a recent breakup. I was dating someone battling their own demons, but along the way he dragged me into his shit ... never quite ready to own up to his part in the relationship, his mistakes, he wasn't ready to take ownership or responsibility. It was emotionally draining, and taxing for me. People kept telling me to stick by it, they were fueling and enabling the excuses. I'm sorry but just because there is an internal struggle that does not give anyone the license to do or say the things that he said to me. And nothing has changed. See I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I never want to give up on people - but for now I've had to take a step back and wash my hands of the situation. I got a text a few nights back, a text I was waiting and waiting for. But, instead of having a mature conversation I got harassed. See this person never thinks clearly, only sees his side and will never change his mind - he's made up his mind that he is right and I am wrong. He won't worth through or let go of a mistake. For those who know I took my shirt off for a game at a party, I was wearing a sports bra relax pals no tits were on display. But, my ex partner thought I cheated. He couldn't move past it .. why? Easy, because he didn't believe me, he never trusted me - even though I had never given him a reason not to.

So for those of you know dont know emotional abuse happens all the time, words they have a powerful impact. At one point he got mad that I was talking about our relationship problems with trusted friends, who are my support system, it was toxic. I will no longer apologize for being reasonable, rational, and capable enough to talk things out. When someone tells you that you are living your life wrong that is emotional abuse. We are all our own people, individuals who have ownership of our own bodies, thoughts, choices, and decisions. Telling me that what I did was wrong was out of line ... if he was in the same position playing strip poker with his friends, I'd trust him not to wipe out his dick. I trust him enough to "take his shirt off" I'm not the jealous type - I'd never question you. I trust you wholeheartedly until you give me a reason not to trust you. It was clear I wasn't deserving of the same respect. But the kicker was how he'd make everything seem unimportant. I'm sorry but not hearing from you for a week is a big deal and I'll throw your words right back at you big boy "it was a red flag" your a grown ass adult act like you - own up to your mistakes and take responsibility for your life and your actions. Everything has consequences. Not showing up to my formal a big fucken deal! Worrying me so I was distracted and couldn't perform at a big championship weekend - huge in my book. I always was there for you, through your issues, and baggage - I never acted like anything you said or did wasn't important. But most importantly he constantly reminded me of my mistakes, yes - taking my shirt off A MISTAKE which I apologized for countless times, I explained myself and told you right away, I was working on making things right. But you held it over my head and made me feel awful about myself ... I've never put you down, but maybe its time to look in the mirror and own your crap - because you put me through more than enough and I STAYED, I didn't walk away and ice you out every time I found out something knew.

See, I took a chance to date someone "outside my type" though I dont believe in having a type, I went off script and dated someone different than I had in the past. I thought it was so nice to be with someone who was different, I started seeing the world in a different light, from a different way than before. I thought our differences are what made our relationship work. But I see somethings aren't meant to work out the way we want them too. See knowing you, I knew you hadn't worked through your past, why? The first month we were dating you'd talk about your ex, I knew what her name was, what she did, and all the crap from your past. That's fine telling someone your baggage is important, but I dont want to hear about her, I dont want you talking about her to me ... I shouldn't even know her name. So damn RED FLAG. Ya friends direct quote because what I did by taking my shirt off was not just cheating but " a red flag." 1) you should have trusted me because I had never given you a reason not to and 2) it was out of character so obviously you should have known something was wrong and something was up and listen when I explained what happened. But no you did - instead you said that one isolated insistent determined my character and who I was. You labeled me a cheater, a thot, you told me you dated me because "I was safe, I gave you nothing to worry about". A real slap in the face with your words big man. Don't think texting someone your sorry for ducking them " you suppose" take the half ass apology else where. Don't tell me you know I dont deserve it - I know I dont! I dont deserve a lot of things you said and put me through but you won't own up to it because that would require you to take responsibility for your faults. At this point I'm not even sad, I'm mad. I'm pissed I wasted time and effort on someone who never deserved to have me in the first place - and the sad thing is, I still worry about his dumb ass. I worry he's going to get hurt, or do something stupid. I worry because I dont know how to stop caring about someone, I dont know how to stop loving them even after they betrayed me.

Man do I hate social media, I never thought I'd say that but its true! I hate being on snapchat, or Instagram, I hate seeing only happy things people want to put out there for others to see. So I turned to Tik Tok which while a time suck it has also been pissing me off. My damn for you page is full of tarot card readings and being like "this is a sign". See silence is a sign, ignoring someone, pushing them away - those are signs. Making other people feel like shit, because you are hurting damn that cuts deep. Hurt people ... hurt people. I was just another casualty along the way. I wasn't hurting you, would never dream of it, instead I wanted to help you but instead you hurt me. You hurt me bad. Do you know how many nights I'd cancel on my friends just to make sure we'd FaceTime and talk after you got out of work because I knew how important that was. Or how many nights I couldn't sleep because I was worried about you? What was worse was how when we weren't talking I wouldn't say or do much. It hit me and hurt me so bad. I stopped eating, I didn't leave my room, called out of work, cut class. It was bad when I got pulled aside by my favorite professor and he told me he was worried about me. I wasn't even worried about myself, I was worried about you. Every time someone asks me about you I just want to cry .. but today at dinner as harmless as it was my grandma asked about you and all I did was scream and get mad at everyone at the table ... when really I'm mad at you. You turned out to be the person I didn't want you to be. You became the person who's word meant absolutely nothing. You broke your promise to me, the promise you said that you'd never hurt me or break my heart and damn was that a bunch of bull.

I know I can't be a hero, I cant save everyone - and while I was so busy trying to save you from a dark place I was dragged into your shit. You are too blind to acknowledge your down falls, your part in this. You probably never will because taking ownership isn't your MO ... instead you like to be the victim, its a pity party for you. I'm sorry things suck, but maybe because that's the way you make them. You ruined a good things, actually you ruined a great thing and when you realize it, it probably will be too late. See whether or not you've hit rock bottom yet is you, but you need a wake up call about what you are throwing away, and what your missing out on because your ego and pride are in the way. You can't take ownership and apologize. We met on shaky and unstable terms, because your life wasn't figured out and I couldn't rescue you because you dont want to help or save yourself. Whatever shame or guilt you feel is on you, you shouldn't have dragged me into your shit. If you weren't ready to date someone you should have NEVER asked me to be your girlfriend or to put a label on it when you did. I would have been find just being your friend - it was your decision. You should be grateful that I cared enough to be there for you even after everything you put me through. I get you are used to people leaving, I never planned on leaving I was planning on staying. You're the one who pushed me away and cut me off if you didn't I still would be there for you in whatever capacity. You let your insecurities and past experience shape your vision and behavior! If you were to give someone a fair chance and not let your insecurities take control there wouldn't have been conflict or tension. You made yourself feel like an outsider in the relationship so you pushed me away and that's on you, I was fighting to make it work but after away fighting alone for something is exhausting.

I was trying to teach you how to break free from your past conditioning. To embrace and be more for yourself! You deserve more ... as much as I'm angry and upset I haven't blocked your dumb ass yet ... the more you push the more I fight to show you that you haven't lost me ... but that will run out and I will have to walk away at some point. There is no reason to be holding yourself back by being ashamed, take ownership and pride in yourself for owning what happened and making things right. You aren't unworthy of being loved and you aren't small, even as I sit here - I see you, for you. Just because we dont talk anymore doesn't mean I won't be here for you - I'll still be here for you dont hesitate to talk to me ... because had the time I wish you were. Some people are stuck in the past because they haven't worked through things that happened. Some people are living for the future too busy rushing life. Others are living in the now, enjoying the present moment. While reflecting is important it is what you do day to day that matters. Yesterday is history tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. Don't regret not saying what you needed to say today, because you might not get the chance tomorrow. Focus on what you can control, what you can do. Happiness is the most important thing, and if someone or something makes you happy you shouldn't push them away because things are complicated. Nothing in life is meant to be easy, if it was everyone would be doing the same thing.

Man does it feel good to let out the anger, the frustration. Sometimes I hate that I see the good in people. I see the potential even when they dont see it in themselves. I'll never doubt someone for their faults - no one is perfect not even me. But, I own my mistakes, I tell the truth, and I work on making things better. So no I am not sorry for what happened, I'm not sorry for telling the truth. I'm sorry your too blind, stupid, and stubborn to realize not everyone is a shitty person, not everyone is out to hurt you. I'm sorry you're willing to throw away the person who even after being treated like trashed, was still there for you to listen, to help you, to make sure you were okay. I hope one day you wake up and realize the full weight of reality- that there isn't someone else out there like me, I hope you realize you messed up, not me. I hope you look in the mirror and acknowledge you were wrong and make a mistake, and I hope for your sake it isn't too late, and you dont have to live the rest of your life regretting it. I know my worth, I've been through a lot worse than dating someone with baggage and an internal demon. I've been with someone who beat the shit out of me, I've had cancer, I have to go through radiation again, I've been through so much that I always know I come out a better person. I always come out on top, it is just your choice if you're along on the journey or if the story ends here for good. I'm a better person because of all the trials, tribulations, and obstacles I've bene through. I know my worth, I have standards, and I most importantly know what self-love is. I'll never let someone treat me like I'm ordinary again, I'm a rare find and if you can't see that - someone else sure as hell will.

So figure you're shit out. Clean up your act. Act like a damn man. Ask for help. Make amends. Do what you need to do to be able to sleep at night. The clock does run out one day. I dont want to live my life with regrets, with not saying what I need to say. Sometimes words fall on deaf ears because peopled dont want to hear the truth - so why speak to someone who isn't even listening. Writing it down clears the head - gets everything out in the open. On the record I dont hate you, I'm just disappointed. Off the record, I'll never stop loving you, tis not my nature. But, I did fall out of love with you. I fell out of love because I didn't feel loved. I didn't want to throw in the towel - you did it was your call. Look at it this way, ending a relationship because you ran out of love is like selling your car because you ran out of gas. What do you do when you run out of gas? You fill up the tank, give it what it needs to get back up to the top. So what do you do when you run out of love .... work on it, give it what it needs, you fill it back up. Look at life this way, it isn't about "me" it is about "we" a relationship is a partnership it is an "us". Never take the easy way out, you do what you want and need to be happy, dont listen to others - happiness depends on you, not your friends or family.

Life is hard, people mess up its because we are human, we are to learn from our mistakes. You can't judge someone for a mistake because you have never been in their shoes, their position, or that exact situation with circumstance. But we can empathize and sympathize. I believe people meet and cross paths for a reason. Sometimes timing sucks and someone isn't ready to meet someone yet. All I can say is work through the baggage break the chains that are holding you back and weighing your down. It is never too late. There is always a second chance. Don't settle for less than you deserve know you're worth and demand to be treated the correct way. Sometimes we meet people, and then they leave only to come back when they are ready. Timing is everything, sometimes we have to wait for change, for good things to happen. Just don't wait too long, because a good thing never waits around, and is never left alone for long. Other people see their worth and value and will do what it takes to have that addition in their life. Rare and one of a kind, could guarantee you won't find another like them, or anyone better. This is me trusting the universe that things will work out the way it is meant too. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes the timing is off but things will come around how it was planned for them to. Trust god, trust the process, and never lose faith or sight of who you are. Own your story, tell your narrative, and live your truth. Don't let someone else connivence you, your story and truth is wrong. Don't let them, convience you to doubt yourself or second guess yourself. No one is perfect, we are all humans, we make mistakes - the only one who is perfect is God, but we were all made in Gods image so own who you are, take ownership of your mistakes, and tell your story! Tomorrow isn't promised don't regret it - tell those who are important you love them, don't be afraid to speak your truth, you'll kick yourself if you don't.