Overwhelming

Monday June 20th, 2022

Have you ever just had a bunch of stuff pile on with no end in sight. It always seems like one thing after another spirals and you find yourself drowning clenching your chest gasping for air? I hope it isn't just me, but also at the same time I do hope it is, because I don't wish that feeling on anyone. I recently turned 25, and with that unfortunately comes a lot of comparing, and by that I mean my own personal comparisons.

My great-grandmother Anna, my grandmother Marie, and my mother Angela are all 25 years apart, Anna had Marie at 25 and Marie had Angela at 25. My mother however had me at 36. In away I've felt like part of my life has been playing "catch up" I want my mom to meet my children, but I know there is an 11 year gap from when "things were done" a certain way in our family. Thus, feeling slightly disadvantaged from the beginning. Not to mention I think about being 25, and trying to picture being in Anna and Marie's shoes. Pregnant, and/or giving birth. As much as I want to be a mom, and how thats one of the only things I want .... I know now isn't the time. I still have a year left of Law school, than I need to take the bar, and than I need to work on my career for at least a few years to establish myself (and pay off my loan debt) before I consider bring a child into this world, I wouldn't want them to be involved in this "mess" that is the current state of my life, or to not be able to provide for them.

However, I see friends from undergrad getting engaged, married, buying homes, traveling with their significant other ... and I feel behind. What do I have to show for myself, my life has been all education up to this point, ya I've got some pretty cool resume points but aside from that I have student loan debt. I know that's not the right mindset to have but its hard when you see people your age or even younger already engaged, married, and working toward the life you so desperately want. I know I'm making a life for myself and a name for myself but it would be nice to see other aspects of my life come together too.

Life comes in stages, it unfolds and evolves in a sort of evolution. For me I feel like I'm in a huge transition period. I am relearning how to find myself. This past year I let boundaries be crossed, I over extended myself, and frankly I lost myself and who I was - I lost all the work I put into myself before coming to law school. I took a few steps back. It all started when I retired from swimming in March, for the first time in 4 years I no longer "had something to work for" there was no "more one more season" the mentality that I had to keep training to come back better each and every year wasn't there. Retirement was difficult, my relationship with the gym changed - my mentality was not focused on consistency it was focused on finding motivation, I was finding reasons not to go, and making excuses. My relationship with working out was strained and I needed to take some time away from it in order to heal, reset, and focus on moving forward. When one chapter closes another opens but that was not where my head was at like it should have been.

I took a step back from prioritizing myself, I wasn't making the time for sleep, to property fuel myself, I wasn't being acting and moving. And recently I've been dealing with some health issues on top of it all. If you know me you know I've struggled with my weight all my life, but in the last 2 years I had finally gotten to a really solid place. Well, life happens right, and I'm back where I started and its daunting, disheartening, and scary honestly. To start all over from square one after making so much progress is shameful, it really had my depression out of wack for the last week I wasn't doing what I normally would I was sleeping excessively only getting up for work - it wasn't good.

But, I've taken my college athlete mentality and I've refocused on being consistent, for myself. I don't like "hard goals" those deadlines step you up to fail. However I like obstacles or building blocks so for the next 100 days ... well 105 to be exact I am going to focus me, selfceare and my health. I have an event planned on Sunday October 2nd that I will be spending the next 11ish week working toward. If I complete it I will reward myself on Saturday October 8! Fun stuff to come but I'm not ready to write them down and manifest them in that manner just yet! But I'm excited and I know I'm going to do it and accomplish it, this will allow me to reestablish my boundaries and I think that is so important!

I also know I haven't been happy, I've been pouring so much of myself into others that I've been leaving myself employ and I know that isn't something I can do any more. So I am consciously making the choice to save my final bit for myself so I can better myself. I give so much but I dont receive it in return and I know that I deserve too. So I will be matching energy, you wanna hang out - than you initiate and make the plans, you wanna talk to me reach out. Its like that tiktok says disappear and see what comes of it and who comes looking for you. I need that for myself for my own peace of mind. My uncle said it best when I last spoke to him, he said he was trying to disconnect from him phone on weekends to be more physically present and I love that! I've been trying to lower my screen time myself!

I had a tough conversation with my mom today, since we both had the day off work. I told her that being the "child she didn't have to worry about" was heavy and a lot to carry. I don't think she realized that I felt a lot of burden, and I still do, I wasn't sharing it in a negative way with her, I just needed to give her insight on how I was feeling with the things I've noticed as I've gotten older and wiser. But, she didn't want to hear it, she got upset and refused to have an open conversation about it and I recognize that that is difficult but it is also the truth. I am the way I am today because of it and I appreciate who I am, but sometimes it would be nice for someone else to carry the load. Constantly carrying multiple weights on your shoulders gets exhausting it burns me out and it really depletes me, impacting my depression. I feel like life comes at me in so many different directions there isn't anything I can do about it but take it in stride. I can't crumb because those around me are expecting me to hold it up and take care of it.

I know God doesn't give us more than we can hold/carry but sometimes he tests the limits. Right now my limits are refocusing effort on myself, and stepping back from comparing how other peoples "timelines" have played out, we all have a time and when its ours we will know. It just stings when an ex calls you, and tells you hey I got engaged in New York City this weekend and I wanted to let you know the impact I had on getting him to that point, sucks seeing someone else close to me engaged and I'm not there yet, and that aspect of my life is so under construction .... at the moment its at a cross road and stan still - really just makes me think and honestly hurts my heart. I am an emotional empathic vulnerable person and I just feel like a plant that hasn't been watered that is wilting and isn't nurtured so it can't grow and flourish. I've poured so much into others they expected it and misuse it and take it for granted .... it isn't appreciated.

Emotions and life are overwhelming the weight of life can get to be too much. But, I am here to tell you just as seasons change so does "luck". Everything happens for a reason those of us who are patient and continue to be kind regardless of how life and people treat us, know that we are always one step closer to being happy and fulfilled and rewarded - it will be our time eventually - till than keep inspiring those around you, keep working hard grinding and hustling, for one day you will be at peace knowing you fought through it all and it was worth something so much bigger and greater than you ever imagined. It's okay to not be okay, its okay to ask for help, its okay to say no set boundaries and do what is best for you to be happy - don't feel bad. Trust me I feel guilty for not working or if I spend money to get nails done, but remember self care is so important mentally and physically. You are never alone, even when you feel like you are, there's always someone in your corner, you are loved.

What is one thing you could do for yourself everyday, as a from of selfceare built in to your routine?