Expectations

Sunday, June 05th, 2022

Reflection before the crisis

Wow, I hadn't realized that it's been nearly a year and a half since I've sat down to write anything. I guess that's how life works, the world gets busy and we have to let certain things go in order to have enough time in the day to get everything "important" done. It wasn't until someone at work asked me what I do in my free time that I realized I didn't really have an answer. I stood their stumped because work, school, studying, and going to the gym aren't really "hobbies". I paused and than answered I like to write, whether its journaling, having an internal dialogue, or just writing poetry and spoken word. But, after I replied, something felt off, a small part of me felt like I lied. I couldn't remember the last time, or the last thing I wrote. It makes me think back to the book sitting by my bed, it's similar to when I say I like to read in the evening. But, the sad truth is I knock out as soon as my head hits the pillow so I don't even get a chance to read as a form of unwinding and relaxing. If there were more hours in the day those would be the two things I would get to do and enjoy more. I've learned in the last eighteen months that we make time for what we want, we can sit here and say there aren't enough hours in the day and thats true there isn't - but, there are enough hours for what we value. Some things out weigh others.

Apart of growing up is learning to identity what does, and what doesn't serve you in your life. For me, I've identified my "Non-Negotiables", things that are essential for my day to day. It's a short list that I've come up with and slowly incorporated into a routine. I've always been the type to stay organized, to "schedule" if you will, to-do lists are my guilty pleasure. My non-negotiables are things I do for myself everyday ... they my seem small, but for someone who struggles with anxiety and depression, it's the little victories that make each day a good one. As an example my morning non-negotiables are skin care, taking my morning vitamins, listening to good music or a pod cast instead of watching youtube (Dr. Phil was my go to for a long time), and to set my intentions for the day through affirmations. It may sound silly but it's so easy to be "running late" and forget to take your vitamins, or to just wash your face quickly without moisturizing. It sounds stupid, but self care is important and showing yourself a little extra care can go along way mentally and emotionally. My evening non-negotiables still need some work, but using my Gua Sha has been a highlight of my night time care. Unwinding for me is taking my remaining vitamins, doing my skin care, and preparing for the next day by packing my lunch box. I still need to work on adding in reading, but for now I'm just thankful I've been able to prioritize my 7 hour of sleep minimum a day, it's really made a difference in my day to day function.

Non-Negotiables are so underrated. I've realized I am the type of person to give so much to others, that its at the expense of me neglecting myself, my wants, my needs. In this season of reflecting I am grateful for the conversation I had at work that really got me thinking about my hobbies. I love to write, it's therapeutic to me, even if no one hears me ... or in this case reads what I'm saying, I can still get it out so that I know how I am feeling is valid, regardless of a response. In the last I'd say year, I've felt invalidated quite a few times - I think it stems from living a life, with so many life lessons learned through my personal experience that I don't think people always know how to take that. I'm a straight forward person, I present myself in away that is either "intimidating" to some, and to others I am viewed as independent. I thinks perception is everything honestly. Most people don't know what to do with a high caliber, powerful, confident, independent person - But that isn't my fault. I think more times than not I've had to shrink myself down in size to fix other peoples versions and expectations of myself. Their personal insecurities should not be projected on to me, it isn't my fault they feel that way, and haven't done the necessary self work involved in preventing those outbursts. But, the reality is, those who make you feel like you need to shrink, are the ones who can't own up to their own reflection in the mirror.

The last year has taught me a lot, it has taught me that people don't always change, some recognize the change that needs to be made, but aren't willing to put in the work to make that change happen. Other people acknowledge that change should occur, but are comfortable where they are, and won't do anything about it. I'm constantly focused on change, on growth, on improving in order to better myself and those around me. This past year, I lost myself, not to the point of not knowing who I was, but more so in the sense of the point where I no longer recognized myself in regard to the behavior and boundaries I would accept moving forward. Those who know me in real life and not just from the words I occasionally publish to the void, know that I'd do anything for those in my life. If someone needed the shirt off my back I'd give it to them no questions asked, without hesitation. I'm the type of person who gives, without expectation to receive in return .... but I realized that doesn't serve me anymore. Why? Well .. this past year I realized I give, and give, and give .... but I never seem to get half of what I give back in return. Now, I don't do things with the expectation of it being reciprocated, But .... that doesn't mean subconsciously I don't hope that if I was in that position, that the same would be done for me ... mutual respect and reciprocity isn't too much to ask for. It only feels like to much, when you are asking the wrong person or people.

I've always been the type of person to give good advice, but never take it myself. I personally need to work on giving myself some grace in situations. I tend to give a lot, I am realizing that my generosity is at the expense of my boundaries. There are quite a few times when I've seen the signs and disregarded them because I made an excuse to justify someones behavior. In the last year I've realized, don't overlook those things. Listen to your inner voice, trust your gut .... People show you there true colors, they take off the mask and reveal themselves to you. Don't allow yourself to learn a lesson more than once. Actions speak louder than words ... the phrase "if they wanted to they would" rings true. If they wanted to talk to you they would, if they wanted to see you they would .... if you were a priority to them, it would be clear by their actions that you are. Trust me, don't justify their behavior, don't make excuses for them ..... it only comes at your expense and its painful to pick yourself up out of that situation, because you played a part in getting yourself there. That is hard to admit, but it is true - so many times we repeat the same situation or outcome wanting it to be different, but nothing changes and we should learn from that.

I think people can change, and I believe people make mistakes, we are human ... no one is perfect not even myself. That's why I say actions speak louder than words. When we were children and we would hurt someones feelings, intentional or not - someone would come and tell you "hey you hurt my feelings by doing A or saying B" whatever the case maybe. We would acknowledge that yes we were in the wrong, and we would apologies. But, than we would makes sure we didn't repeat it happening, we wouldn't do it again because we didn't want them to feel that way again. I guess we loss that when we grow up ... I guess that sense of respect disappears or at least isn't valued the same way. I know when I speak up and vocalize I am hurt by something, I expect to be heard, I expect someone to acknowledge what I'm saying and do something to change so that it doesn't happen again. I'm going to assume I'm just not that lucky ... maybe I ask for too much, but I can confidently say I expect so little. And that is not okay, I should not be sitting around accepting the bare minimum and even than sometimes it isn't even the bare minimum.

Someone I used to work with in Boston once asked me what my non-negotiables are in a relationship. He made me write them down, and than share them with him. His big plan was to hold on to it, incase one of his friends fit the bill and than set us up. That didn't end up happening, since I came out to Springfield to go to Law School leaving the city behind, but it was an exercise that stuck with me. In a relationship, friendship or romantic I do have non-negotiables, things that I look for and expect. For the sake of keeping this short we are gonna focus on romantic relationships (it all ties together I promise). Looks have never been a deal breaker for me, as someone who was over weight my whole childhood, I know what it's like for someone to over look you because they are focused on what's on the outside, honestly looks are artificial and there is no substance found in that. But, I'd be lying if I said there weren't a few things I keep an eye out for. 1) would be height, the only requirement is to be taller than me, those who know me know I love flats and crocs so heels aren't an everyday thing - but when they are, I do like to wear something that turns my 5'7" frame closer to 5'10 if possible (the shallow answer is a minimum of 6'). I'm a hugger and i wanna be able to hug someone and lay my head on their chest and hear their heart beat. [shut up I know me and my romcom ass looking for something in a movie, I know I know #UnRealistic]. Anyway 2) a bright smile, someone who smiles in pictures ... I love to smile and be goofy and I want to share that side of myself with someone. Someone with a good smile can always light up a room and make me smile. 3) Someone who has nice eyes, the eyes are the most honest feature on someones face, they are truth tellers. I realized at a young age you can look into someones eyes and tell if they are genuine, tell if they are lying to you --- the eyes never lie. They are also bright orbs that are beautiful to get lost in (see I'm not always such a downer). 4) Active, this can look different on every person, but physical activity is important as a retired college athlete, and someone who works out multiple times a week, I want someone who shares that passion with me - someone I can workout with. And 5) someone who has a good sense of style, someone who is put together and dresses well. To me you always dress for the part, and being well dressed tells a lot about how you carry yourself, the hygiene you put into yourself and yourself care. I don't think when it comes to physical features that is too far fetched, it isn't like I'm listing a ton of requirements that disqualify people right from the jump.

But, when it comes to a relationship in itself ... well I compromise more than I should. In the last year, I met someone ... but it hasn't been easy. I've realized my needs weren't being met, but his for the most part were .... and in order for his needs to me met nearly 90% of the time, it came at the expense of my needs. I'm an empath, I can sense when people are struggling and I take it on myself, and want to help as much as I can. In doing that I put my stuff on the back burner, my stuff "doesn't matter" because that person has enough to deal with. My needs get hung on the shelf while someone else unloads on me. Problem with this is some days I need to unload, or my partner would unload without being considerate or courteous enough to ask if I had room or space to hold what he had going on. I deal with a lot on my own, I've realized the reason is due to trauma to my inner child, I've realized the "wise beyond her years, mature for her age" child I was growing up, was just a wounded child grown up too fast taking on the weight of their environment and carrying the problems of those adults around me. Funny thing about trauma, is we get used to the learned trauma responses and it follows us into adult hood. Constantly in survival mood because it is a learned response we are used to. I still carry the weight of others, but no one ever seems to carry ... or at least offer to hold a little bit of mine. I'm not saying it for sympathy I'm saying it to paint a picture and display some understanding.

I don't know how to walk away, because I see the good in people, I hope for them to grow and improve with me, along side me, together like a team. But instead, I've noticed I tend to work on projects, that are other people, once they are "fixed" or somewhat put back together they leave, on to the next for someone else to enjoy the final product that I helped create but never can enjoy. Wanna know what's funny the last three people I dated are now engaged to the woman they dated after me, one of them called to thank me and invite me to the wedding -- what a low blow that was, to know that I'm always some how never good enough, somehow I'm easily replaceable, that I was so insignificant. I realized that It always takes me longer to get over someone, it takes me longer to heal and put myself out there ... I'm always left a little more broken than I was the last time, I'm always left losing a part of myself, giving so much just to end up shattered.

I genuinely don't expect much. I've made it clear to partners in the past that I don't go out "looking" to date, I believe that what is meant to be will be, and it'll find me. I know that it is when we aren't looking that something comes our way. But the reason I date, is to fulfill an intention, my intent to get married - if that isn't the goal than I'm not on the same page with a person. I made a list of what I need in a relationship my "non-negotiables" if you will. I'm a princess if you will when it comes to what I want. I want to be valued, for me this looks like a good morning and good night message, it sounds so dumb and so easy - but apparently it is asking for a lot, or asking for too much from someone who "isn't a texter ". Look it isn't hard to acknowledge someone when you wake up or before going to bed to let them know you are thinking about them, its a great start to the day or a great end to it. What ever the case it shows where your priories are. I never want to feel like an option again, I never want to feel disposable or like I'm asking for too much. When I say something I want to only say it once, I never want to have to bring it up again. I want to be heard and respected.

I'll be honest I'm not perfect, I'm not always 100% and I know there are things I need to work on, but that does not give anyone the right to go and step out of a relationship. I got cheated on, multiple times. The kicker is I know when I confronted him I wasn't getting the full story, and I probably never would. I can forgive, but I'll never forget. If it happened multiple times with the same person, who's to say it hasn't happened with other people as well .... especially because he thought he hid it well - he never planned on telling me or being honest. But, you know what - stupid me stayed, stayed because I believed the lies that things would change, I believed that I was "special". I now know I was being told what I wanted to hear. If i was special, I wouldn't have to repeat myself. I would only have to say something once for someone to understand where I was coming from, to see my point of view, and than never have it happen again.

Let me paint you a picture. A friend of mine once said she sat down with her significant other and wrote down all the thing's that her partner was doing that didn't make her happy. At the end of the exercise her partner took the paper, and said "You'll never have to tell me again" that was four years ago, and it's true she's never had to tell him again. I on the other hand repeat myself numerous times, and it's gotten to the point where I don't bother I'd rather not waste the breathe or energy in expressing anything because I know I've done it in the past and it didn't change anything, so why now all of a sudden will it change and be difference? Just doesn't seem worth it to me. It is not my job to set myself on fire to keep others warm. And that is something that I need to remind myself. Why am i going above and beyond my pay grade? My company caps my salary so I cap my effort ... game recognizes game. Recently I've realized that if I'm not getting the same in return or the same effort I'm putting in, than I just stop. Why should I be the one to text first, if you wanted to talk to me, the phone works both ways you can reach out and send the message. I used to send cute messages or encouraging messages, and I never got one in return. Everything I do is thoughtful, it doesn't take a lot of effort, and most of the time its free and takes no money. I guess wanting to wake up to a message that is encouraging and recognizes me and the things I do for someone is too much especially when someone "isn't good with words or can't express what they want to say" well your actions don't even express it so it's fine no need to both trying. Game recognizes game. When I see someone acting a certain way, I no longer go out of my way, I'm now matching effort and mirroring back to them what they do to me.

One of my other non-negotiables is I want to be scene. I'm not a secret, you better be proud to be with me, because honey I don't need you I may want you but trust, I don't need you so don't get that twisted. I want to be shown off, I want to be taken out. I've dated someone who would never post me on anything snap chat, or instagram and it was always a problem that came with an excuse. "I don't do social media, or I don't see why that's so important to you". If someone can't even tag you in a post that's a red flag. It might not mean something to them but it means the world to me. I won't ever let someone do that again, especially if I've posted them before and I know people have seen it and know about it. That's a sign they don't want people to know, or they are cheating and it's away to hide it and keep playing both sides of the game. This isn't a game hurting peoples feelings and destroying them like that isn't okay and never will be.

Another non-negotiable is not being taken out. I'm all for a nice night in, or cooking at home.. But I want to be take out, I want to go to the movies, I want to go bowling, or have dinner out at a restaurant. I don't always want to be the one making plans, or scheduling an activity. I want someone who will give me a time and a place and tell me to show up. I want to do things that's why I work so hard to be able to spend a little and enjoy an experience to make a memory ... but I don't want to feel like I have to do it alone or I'm constantly supporting others financially. Money is one of those weird topics, if I don't have money to do something I don't do it, if I have extra money I like to treat people in myself and show them they are appreciated ... but paying all the time or just settling for not doing anything because money is the issue isn't fun ... just makes me feel bad. I think that's why I work so much, to financially provide for myself yes, but to also have the financial freedom to afford trips and things, sometimes it would feel good to be acknowledged and appreciated and treated ... but than again I guess that's asking a lot. I don't know, I defiantly struggle with knowing my financial freedom makes people feel insignificant but it isn't meant to, I've just been grinding and hustling at work since I was first employed at fifteen.

I'm a spiritual person and a family oriented person, so moving forward with my age and wisdom, another non-negotiable is for someone to be open to going to church with me on Sundays, my faith is important to me and I want to bring my family up in the church, I used to suggest my partner join me at church, but that was just a thought that I knew would never be fulfilled ... but that's okay, I'm fine knowing if someone wanted to go with me they would, they would make time to join me or even ask if I wanted the company. There is nothing worse, than being in a room and feeling so alone. I remember going to an event for someone I dated, and they didn't seem to notice I was there, apart of me felt like I should have skipped going, or I should have left early. He would get upset when I didn't want to do something with him, but it never occurred to him to ask, he would just assume I'd want to ... see I do a-lot for my partners, its usually all about them, its always for them whatever they want .... it's never once been about me, what I want, what I need. To tell you the truth it is not just exhausting but it's lonely. I don't even bother waiting by the phone anymore for a call, could be 24 maybe 72 hours who knows, but I'm not putting in the effort anymore, I'm not making plans to see you, and I'm not dropping everything for them - because I know they wouldn't drop everything for me.

Recently I've realized that it feels more lonely to be with someone who isn't giving you what you need or what you ask for, than it is to just be alone and content with yourself. I love my freedom, I love my time and my space and doing my thing. Nothing is lonelier than sitting in a room with someone and feeling unheard and invisible like they don't see you. Wanting someone to communicate with you to show you off to value you is the bare minimum. Nothing is worse than compromising so your needs are neglected at the expense of others. My love language is quality time and words of affirmation. I need to physically be around my partner spending time with them at least twice a week, I love my freedom and independence so I don't need to see them all the time but I do need to be in contact with them. Words of affirmation are important to me I think thats why text messages or verbal acknowledge is vital to my needs. I've dated partners with other love languages like physical touch, and being an empath I was able to adapt and give them what they needed and meet there needs through physical touch but I realized at what expense ... my own needs not being met because they would get what they needed but never seemed to adjust or compromise to give me what I was asking.

Those who know me know I've dated what my mother likes to refer to as "projects" and that isn't want I'm looking for at this age. I'm looking for more than the bare minimum now .... I won't ever again settle for the bare fucken minimum because I deserve more because I give so much more! I bet this rant seems so out of pocket ... but the reality is on Wednesday I turn 25 ... the big 2-5 in retro spect that's a quart of a century so in true dramatic fashion that is the making for the beginning of my quarter life crisis. In this new chapter of my story, the next journey I am on ... I want to receive more, the amount of me giving I don't think will ever change but I hope to have more given to my life, rather than taken. I don't want my energy and effort to be sucked by giving it to undeserving people. I just want to make sure I am living this next chapter of my life fully for me, and not holding on to things or other people because it is what is best for them, because they never cared about what's best for me or what I want they are too busy taking into consideration what is best for them.

25 is a year of abundance, a year of main character energy, a vibe that can be unmatched. I want to not only focus on myself by fueling my body right and working out at the gym. But, I want to give back to myself in the form of self care, a healthy dialogue, I want to take trips and be spontaneous and I want to do more to reward myself. I think back to my Great-Grandma Anna, My Grandma, and my mom all three strong beautiful Italian woman were 25 years apart ... my mom and I are 36 years apart slightly breaking the three generations of tradition. It has gotten me thinking recently that while I'm not looking to have kids now, I also know I don't want to wait till I'm 36 .... I want my mom to be able to meet her grand kids - anyway I just know life is short and I don't want things passing me by. So I'm speaking it into existence, it is what it is honestly, I'm letting go of what doesn't serve me to make room for what will and what does.

I am and always have been good enough, regardless of someone making me feel and making me think that i wasn't. It came to a point where I didn't love myself and I couldn't look at myself in the mirror because I felt so broken, so unworthy and so unloveable. But never again will I allow myself to feel shame or feel so small an insignificant. I won't allow someone to project their insecurities on me and I won't blame myself for their faults or make excuses for their mistakes. I won't shame myself, because I know those people heard my cried for change for appreciation and they knew I was hurting and dying inside but still they did not think I'd leave. Watch me go, I hold doors open for people who want to walk on out and leave, I don't keep people in my life who don't want to be there. I don't repeat myself more than once anymore and I don't beg, you'll never see me fight for someone or something ever again if they aren't actively making an effort to fight for me. I know it's okay to miss someone, and to still love pieced of them, but I know the nudge to walk away is the reminder to love myself more.

The truth is there is nothing more confusing to me than being told I'm amazing by a man who treats me like I'm not good enough to fully commit to. I am not that girl ... I'm not the one night stand girl, I'm not the late night lonely call girl, I'm not the rebound girl, or the girl you can come running back to, I'm not the girl you can lie to, cheat on, or manipulate, I'm not that girl because I am the girl that knows what she brings to the table and that won't settle for less until I find just that. I'm the girl that loves so hard that even if i lead me to hurt, I'm the girl that doesn't need you but hopes to one day find you and I am this person due to a culmination of people in situations that have lead me here. I will never let that turn me cold or take away from the love i can give - so while I may not be may things I am so much more as a result.

This whole post was inspired by my drive home after a conversation with a person at work. But, what I've found through writing this is, things happen but it always teaches me a lesson and allows me to grow in the end, making me a little more wiser and even stronger moving forward. I think I've had this subconscious expectation that when I wake up on Wednesday something will be different, that something magical will happen. But realistically it's another day, it's nothing special it is just a normal day like everyone else. Honestly to hold any sort of expectation for some exciting day is foundation for disappointment, and I don't have the emotional energy for that. So being realistic is it, I have work and than my night class Wednesday it is truly just another trip around the sun, another sunrise and sunset .... nothing remotely special about it. So while I wake up and in my head wish for some sort of surprise or celebration that I matter or am somehow magically important, I'll remind myself I'm luck to be alive I'm lucky I woke up and I'm breathing ... and in the end that is enough. No grand gesture, no plan, no outing, no praise or affirmation. I'll go to work, keep my phone off, and I'll find away to romanticize my life and make myself the main character without expectation of anything. I'm someone who would rather give gifts than receive them anyway soit just makes sense. But, maybe I'll treat myself and get my nails done or something.

Expectations only get us hurt in the end, expecting someone to change, expecting something to happen - only allows you to be disappointed. No one's fault but your own, so don't both. Don't both to expect someone to stay faithful and loyal, don't expect someone to be telling you the truth, don't expect to feel special or important. That way you can't be let down, you can't be disappointed, you can't hurt yourself more than you already had. Don't hang on to hope, it really get's you no where that's the sad honest truth - it's better to go into your mid twenties without the blinders on and seeing things how they really are - realistically.

You have to be able to separate how you feel about someone, from how someone makes you feel. Those are very different things, I may feel about a person that they are charismatic and adorable and intelligent and wise and fun. But, they make me feel lonely, and sad, and anxious and stressed, and questioning my value. That's the reality of that relationship. I'm taking a step back and I'm not arguing I'm not justifying it I'm just doing it, for me and myself because I'm lost and broken at this point from giving so much to someone and feeling so empty inside especially after the last three months. I'm just gonna do me, and do what makes me happy - and than I'll reevaluate and reconsider. For now I'm going to priorities myself again rather than prioritizing someone else and there needs and wants .... because they didn't prioritize me, they didn't value me so a step back might allow them to realize what they had and what they have and how luckily they are, I just hope when all is said and done it isn't too late for them and things haven't gotten to the point where they aren't salvageable. We expect the treatment we think we deserve .... and in those expectations do we realize who is not willing to put in the work, and who is willing to invest to improve.

25 is a year of letting go, opening doors, growing and discovering what serves me and will add to my life. A year where I expect to be treated better than the bare minimum, a year where I am enough ... and I expect to be valued and appreciated, because I am a prize, and I think sometimes I forget that, and undersell myself. But, man am I a catch and I won't settle for someone who doesnt give me what I deserve. Leaving the excuses and the blinders to the red flags with 24, and entering year 25 strong wiser and better than ever. Setting my intentions and knowing expectations aren't a bad thing, they only are to people who don't want to put in the work to be level up and meet you where your at - expectations scare the weaker people away to protect your peace. Never sharing yourself down or give to someone who takes it for granted, it'll leave you broken, and that person won't seem to care or notice till your gone and it's too late. Save yourself from repeating lessons more than once. Doing things for yourself isn't selfish it is self care and you need to do more of that without guilt, just like you need to work less and enjoy more you don't need to work some much to distract yourself from someone who is making you feel lonely - rather take that trip yourself, go bowling alone, take yourself on a weekly date - I've been doing that for the last two months, if someone doesn't want to do it with you do it yourself you don't need to wait for them otherwise life will pass you by. Give yourself some grace and allow yourself to find solace in the peace you create around you.