Reconnecting

Friday, May 08th, 2020

Today I really checked in with myself. I took a moment and sat on my bedroom floor, and looked in the mirror. I was looking at the reflection staring back at me and I started to feel like myself again. I didn't look angry, I wasn't sad, I was smiling able to recognize the person looking back at me. I had noticed my hair got longer, its the longest it has been since I choose to chop it off on my 20th birthday. Almost three years now that I choose to chop 13 inches off my hair and stop holding on to it. It got me thinking, I dont need to hold on to things, I dont need those security blankets. I was beginning to reconnect with myself, and I mean my inner self.

I made time to catch up with my kiddos we planned a family time zoom call and all nine of us were on able to catch up, and we decided it needs to be a weekly thing because we missed each others energy. There was alot of laughter, catching each other up on what was going on, telling stories it was just so wholesome and put me in such a good mood. My Uncle stopped by today to say hello, and it was so good to see him since I hadn't seen him since Christmas, it was so nice to reconnect.

I ended my night talking to my three best friends from middle school and I couldn't be happier. We all finished undergrad, we are moving on to our next chapter of life together. While we all are going in different directions we aren't leaving one another behind. We have always been supportive and cheered each other on - sometimes we have drifted in different ways but we've always been there to celebrate each others victories. I know they are apart of my forever plan my family. We joked about significant others tonight, what the future would be like, what weddings would entail. But the thing that was constant was that no matter where we are, we would always be a constant variable.

We talked about the lessons we learned this last semester, we talked about things we want to change moving forward. We supported each other, and talked through the mistakes we've seen made. But, what I love, is the love we share for each other. We have such warm hearts. I smiled, I laughed, I cried. It was everything I needed, it sucks that we cant be together but we will soon - we have countless family dinners left to have. What I missed about them is how encouraging they are, we all went around to tell each other what we were focused on. We are all about self growth, self love, and staying happy.

When it was my term, I told them about the journey I am focused on, I apologize for being shitty and they laughed, they never saw me as being shitty ... they even said that it wasn't even my worst, and honestly these guys have seen me at my worst, they have been to hell and back with me ... and they choose to stay and never leave. They never judged me and they are only encouraging and full of support. To say I've been sober for almost a week, it is something I'm proud of. To strengthen my mind body and soul, through exercise, nutrition, water, reading, and learning. I am proud that I haven't given up yet. 75 days is a long time but its a program I know I can follow.

I had lost touch with what was important to me, who was important to me .. but I now know what I won't do moving forward, what isn't okay. I know now what I won't put up with. For me ... I know I am never alone, I am always supported, I have a system in place to lean on when I am weak. I have really rediscovered my faith in this time too, I feel closer to God and I feel loved. I know I am not perfect, no one is, but just because someone sins does not mean they are not worthy of God's grace. I pray for my future, for my person, where've he is in the world. I pray for those that I love who may not be in my life, and for those who I know are hurting, even if we are not communicating.

I have reconnected with myself, but more importantly with my roots. I have reconnected with my family, my faith, and my friends, and those are things that will last a lifetime that I couldn't imagine losing. They are forever, they are what is important. It is impossible to stop caring and stop loving those that mean everything to you. To have unconditional love and support, to understand where you are coming from, to never judge ... that is all I ask and I am so blessed to have those things in the people in my life. Id go to hell and back just to see them happy, to see them get everything they deserve in life. They push me to better myself, to be the best version of me that I can be, they lift me up when I am weak.

In the last week, being sober has opened my eyes, changed my attitude and given me a greater appreciation for the life I have and the things that God has given me. I have opened my eyes to the person I had become, time to reflect on it ... and I have see a glimpse of who I am meant to be. I have been able to reconnect with relationships, reconnect with values, reconnect with myself and ground myself in my faith. I know I was never alone, it might have felt that way but it wasn't my reality. I see now that in order to help others we must help ourselves, and be the best version of ourselves that we are meant to be. To work to fulfill our potential, sometimes we may feel left out, it is God motivating us to get going, and catch up to where we are meant to be. Reconnect helped me refocus and gain clarity I was missing.