Reflection

Friday, May 01st, 2020

Today, is May Day - usually a day of celebration, but currently for me a day of reflection. It was a sad day but I know things don't stay that way forever. I had my last session of therapy today, and I was able to use it to reflect on the last year. I am a very different person than I was back in September, and I realize that is the best thing about growth, time and healing. I got a chance to reflect on the work I had done in the last year ... and how fitting but to have to apply something today. I got a message, from who I don't know but it was anonymous and I was unable to reply to it. I'm a supporter of constructive criticism, that's how we learn and grow. This person wanted to let me know they found my writing "self absorbed" I'm not mad, I appreciate the feedback, and I apologize that my writing has made you feel that way. I'd love to have a conversation about how my writing might have struck a cord with you, but since I can't I'll air it out into the universe in hopes you want to open the lines of communication and have that chat.

I've reflected a lot, and I have grown to accept, appreciate, and applaud who I am. I know not everyone will like me, not everyone I meet I will get along with, but for me it is more important to be authentic and true to who I am. I want to leave the world better than I found it, I want to touch at least one person whether that is by crossing paths with them in real life, through my writing, sharing my story and struggles, or through something I've done or said. The world does not need negativity, it does not need people bringing other people down. We are all entitled to our opinions. Maybe think before you speak, you never know what someone is going through or dealing with. For me, it was the moment that I realized not everyone is going to like me that I stopped trying to people please, I stopped being a yes girl, and I didn't worry about keeping everyone happy. Rather I started to do what made me happy, I started to find my voice, and speak up for others.

I'm human and I'm not going to lie, it did shake me a bit to be seen as self absorbed, but that is someone passing judgement on me. I stopped to think whether they knew me, or do they think they know me. Maybe they know a version of me, I can't answer any of that, but I do know it didn't get to me. Ya, I thought about not writing today, I even thought about taking my blog down - but I've put in so much work to express myself and find away to share my thoughts and feelings that I don't do this for others I do it for myself. Yes, I'd love to hope at least one person reads this and connects with something I say, I'd like to think it would impact or inspire someone ... but the truth is writing just like poetry is put out into a void and whether it touches people is up to the reader. So I appreciate the feedback and the criticism, I apologize if my writing does come off as self absorbed that wasn't the intention or purpose. It was away to vent, get out my thoughts, and feelings - and to process the things in my life through a creative outlet.

While I said goodbye, figuratively to my therapist I realized that therapy is about healing. It is the biggest form of self care anyone can do for themselves. I know therapy is not for everyone - but have you ever been that selfish enough to take time to focus on yourself? To designate a time in your schedule carved out to see a therapist weekly? It was my time, a time for me to be the focus and center of attention. Sometimes we neglect ourselves, because we are too busy trying to help others all the time - I'm guilty of it, I tend to put myself on the back burner to be there for everyone all the time. I give everything even when the tank is empty, and I feel selfish for taking that one percent to focus on myself. Until I realized therapy was a resource for me, I was able to address things I didn't want to face, things I bottled up and kept pushed down. I really trusted the process and I trusted the incredible woman I was working with.

I realized it is okay to be vulnerable, it doesn't make you weak. I learned it is okay to put myself and my needs first, because then it makes me even more equipped to help those who are in my life. I learned giving everything, even the last one percent of me did no one good. I was useless to others and myself if I was on empty. No one wants to admit when they are running on fumes. I think therapy is an under rated, under utilized tool that is available and accessible to so many people. Some people I know aren't ready for it, they haven't reached the point where they want to work on themselves, and better who they are. Or for some, they have had bad experiences in the past, mental health is not universal the same things don't work for everyone, sometimes you have to try a few people out before one sticks and you can connect with.

I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for going to therapy. I made the decision one day on my own, to make the choice to ask for help. I knew I couldn't solve everything myself, and that I needed to deal with things in the past that triggered me, triggered me to drink, to smoke ... triggered me to not be able to handle my anxiety and depression. I took the time to advocate for myself and my well being, I had my best intention at heart. I needed to work through trauma and triggers in order to heal. Therapy is about healing, it is about working through issues, and growing from them. I learned I wouldn't be as strong as I was today if I didn't go through my trials and tribulations, they strengthened me. I just knew when enough was enough, I didn't want to live in darkness, I didn't want to be consumed by my thoughts or experiences. I wanted to overcome them, I wanted to make sure I didn't repeat the past. Mistakes are made to be learned from, and some mistakes we make multiple times, but there are other mistakes I never wanted to make again. You have to be willing to get help, you have to want to get better.

I do realize however that I may not be a self-absorbed person, but my writing can come off that way. It is my conscious thoughts finding their way to paper, well figurative paper. Writing has always been an outlet for me, I tend to take everyones thoughts and feelings into account in everyday life all the time. I tend to change what I want to say depending on the people and situation I'm in, not because what I would say would hurt them, but because I want to make sure they are happy, that they are getting what they need. So in that sense I don't always get what I need because I am adjusting for those around me, but I'm not always receiving what I need. Sometimes it is just better to say the truth in the moment instead of letting it manifest. I think that's what I've done ... I've let so many thoughts and feelings manifest that when I write I am completely unfiltered I am only taking into account my own feelings and thoughts because I don't do that in the moment. In my everyday life I think about how others are feeling more than I do about myself, but when it comes to reflecting at the end of the day, I can't help but talk about my own thoughts and feelings because they weren't brought up during the day. I always ask how someone else is because I genuinely care and want to know, but if they were to ask me how I was I'd brush it off as unimportant and move on. It isn't because I don't want to talk about it, it is because I hate putting things on other people, I never want my load to weigh them down, but I do want to help lighten their burden.

Ya, I get it - sounds counter productive and self destructive but in a sense I guess my writing makes me out to be self absorbed, it is my thoughts and feelings after all. But, they are things I never got to express. See who ever provided that feedback, it is hard to respond to because I dont know who you are... but I do know this, you dont know my story, my struggles, or what I've gone through. My writing is for me, and I dont mean to offend you by what I have to say. But sometimes there is not another way to say things. For me, I've realized we can't always say what we want, we can't always have the conversations we need to have - so I write it down, I write what I would say to that person if I was given the chance. But, I also write to inspire others that it is okay to take care of themselves, it is okay to do what you need to do to better your situation. Ask for help, take time, go to therapy ... do what will heal you. Self care is so underrated, but it is a beautiful thing. People only get help when they are ready, but trust me it heals you, it closes wounds, it gives you insight, it helps you move forward as a better version of yourself. You take your lessons with you.

Therapy doesn't make you forget, rather it helps you handle things, gives you a better grasp of it, helps you work through it so you aren't consumed by it anymore. It is your decision to stop and do what is best for you, it helps you better yourself and heal. This is all about healing, self care, and growth. Those things are things everyone needs to do for themselves. It is okay to be impacted by something, it is even better to know how to handle it. Don't stay knocked down, dont let the past trauma consume you, you deserve to heal and to be happy. Reflection is a strong tool, it helps you see not just your point of view, but the point of view of those around you. Sometimes people would rather help you heal because they care, rather than watch you self destruct because you deserve better than that ... you are stronger than that.