Reflective Lessons

Thursday, April 23rd, 2020

I'm so glad I did not post my blog last night, and that wasn't because I didn't write - but because I was not in a good place at all. I choose to try and understand someone, but I realized this morning, I can't empathize with everyone. Have you ever purposefully gotten drunk just to numb how you are feeling? Tried to mask everything so you would not feel anything. Ya, well I'm here to tell you that doesn't work. There is no way for you to pretend that what you are feeling isn't real. How you may ask. Well you are talking to the girl who drank two bottles of wine, and a quarter bottle of gin. You can't just convince yourself that what you're feeling isn't real.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you never met someone that came into your life? If you never encountered them and they never impacted you the way that they did? I couldn't help but wonder where I would be if I never knew him - but I would never wish to have never met him. It's a hard conversation to have. If I didn't meet him would I be sitting where I am today hurt upset wondering why I wasn't good enough. It's hard for me to think about because I still love him. My friends asked me if I have letten go the answer would be no. I can't let go I can't stop caring about him. When you love someone you do anything to see them happy. I just want him to succeed even if it breaks me.

What would've happened if we never met would someone have cared about you the way I did. The funny thing is if I could've change anything I wouldn't of changed anything. I would've kept the things the way they were. I loved you, you meant so much to me I wouldn't have changed anything just to see you happy I would've kept going down the rabbit hole just to make sure you would smile. It makes me stupid - I sit here broken crying because I couldn't help you I couldn't aid in your growth.

It sucks because my mom is right I was never going to be good enough for you. I'm sitting in my room crying because I couldn't help you I wasn't able to get you the help you needed. I'm just sitting here because caring wasn't enough. I tried to understand why you do the things you do, we all have different ways to cope ... and well I don't understand yours. I can't see how what you do is helpful at all. I'm not here to judge, and I can't seem to empathize either. I am however sympathetic - I would never pass judgement on someones struggle. I however just don't understand it. I wish I did because then I could do something about it.

Though, getting drunk ... defiantly was not the solution for me. I ended up crying to my two best friends, I let it out, I really needed to let it all go, I spoke on how I felt and what I was going through, and then all I could do was realize I couldn't do anymore. It wasn't giving up - it was me letting go. Letting go that I was to blame in the situation, because I wasn't I did everything I could. What I learned is some people need time, they need time to work on things - things that are deeper than the surface that have nothing to do with me. While it is not ideal all I can do is give them the time and space they need, in the hopes they will grow and come back.

While I wouldn't ever wish to have never met someone, I would have wished I didn't invest or get attached. I would have kept some space, I would not have put in so much time, energy, or effort. I would have keep my emotions at bay. I've learned that people need to meet you half way, they need to put in the effort too. While I don't need to talk to someone everyday ... I don't want to be the one to call every time we do talk. I need someone to show me how much they care, and not just call me when they need something. I wouldn't wish to night meet someone, I would have wished to be more cautious to be smarter instead of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. I learned a lot - I learned what I need out of a relationship, what I deserve. But, I also learned what I dont want, and what I won't settle for. I will be treated better and respected. Have you ever done something stupid just so you could experience something you couldn't connect to? What would that thing be? Would you ever to choose to do it again?