Restart

Sunday, May 17th, 2020

It's taken me a hot, hot second to accept the way things currently are. I have had to accept that sometimes people become strangers again. I have had to accept that this is the way things are. It is hard, hard because I didn't expect things to be this way, I wholeheartedly expected a different outcome. I thought I would share my graduation with someone, that it would be the chance to introduce them to the family. I had pictured taking gradation photos with them, in the hopes that they would be proud of me for my achievement. But, that isn't how things paned out. Instead ... we haven't talked in a month, haven't seen each others. No text congratulating me on graduating. While graduation wasn't ideal, it was online, vitrual with quite a few hiccups and technical difficulties. But, I guess that is what I'm learning - that this is life, full of disappointment, full of unexpected changes.

It has taken me some time, taken a moment too restart. To begin over again. I started going to Al-Anon meetings, I needed to gain an understanding to myself and to heal from the impact of dating someone who struggles with an addiction. I know that it isn't my fault, I couldn't have done more. I literally loved someone at there worst, and that didn't matter to them because they weren't capable of caring or loving me back. Why? Simple because their addiction came first, feeding their fix was their focus. They were in love with there addiction and that would always come first, so it didn't matter. They could never love me back.

Ya, I could sit here and hope that they will get better, they will clean up their act and put in the work. That maybe they would make amends, apologize for hurting me the way they did ... but I dont see this happening. I know this person, I know him better than I think he realizes and we weren't together long. Hoping that they would get better for themselves is something I'll pray for, because it is sad living life the way they do. But, I can't sit here and blame myself anymore, I can't think I wasn't enough, and I can't think that there could have been more for me to do. But, I can accept it, I can realize I have no responsibility in the matter. I was not the cause, I was not the down fall. It is just the repercussions of their actions and behavior.

I started to distance myself, I dont reach out, I haven't texted or called even when I've wanted to check in on him. Ya, I'll still watch his snapchat story if it comes up, but I won't search for it. I don't hope that he will like my instagram, I've stopped posting on my snapchat story, though I did once and I hadn't checked if he looked at it ... probably didn't anyway. I have made a list of all the things I want to focus on in the future. The thing is need to do to get me ready for Law school to start in August. Any guesses on where I'll be going?

I am looking to read more, to listen to podcasts, to branch out and listen to new music. I have bene focusing on my health, not just physical health but my mental health. I have been focusing on hydration, eating clean, limiting treats like sweets, junk, take out, and alcohol. I have been cooking everything. I had take out the first time this weekend to celebrate my graduation, and I broke my sobriety - I drank champaign to celebrate. I have been documenting progress of my journey taking a picture everyday to see myself grow and learn to be happy again. I have been focused on my skin care regiment. As a retired college athlete I have been training again, I have been trying to work out twice a day, and I've taken up running and hitting a step goal everyday.

Physically I have been feeling better but mentally I have become stronger. I have been doing nightly devotionals and praying more, I had taken a step back from writing in order to reconnect and reach out to friends. But, I have missed writing, whether writing like this and a stream of consciousness or poetry.I have been taking my vitamins in order to stay healthy, and to keep my knee joint from hurting. I have learned there is a benefit to meditation at night and it helps me clear my mind and reflect on actions and feelings. I have been focused on a regiment and schedule. I dont sleep with my phone I keep it on the other side of the room, I wake up to an alarm and I'm up by nine. I make sure I'm in bed before eleven thirty. Not being with my technology and focusing on sleep has been helpful. I dont sit in my room or read on my bed, my bed is there for sleep and that is it.

I have been really focused on being sound, strong, and healthy. I want to start law school as the best version of myself, as a force to be reckoned with. I have chosen to restart. I dont want to dwell or harp on the past because everything happens for a reason and it teaches us a lot about ourselves. I do hope that not everything stays the same, that people grow and reconnect but I am not going to wait around for it, and I'm not going to put in the effort to keep relationships going. I did listen to my friends, and I redownloaded dating apps, not that I expect to meet someone in quarantine but for me it is better that I put myself out there again, I was ready to start talking to people and getting to know them. Dating during quarantine is super weird, but not gonna lie zoom dates are super interesting. Over the last week, week and a half I have been hiking and running, and just being outside. I forgot how much I love the sun, and nature.

Spring is a time of rebirth, a refreshing restart to time. That is why spring cleaning is a thing. It is a time for reflection and growth. I am all about growth and health - and that is what I am focused on. I am cutting out and off toxic people, and things. I am not about being miserable anymore, I am about being happy and doing what makes me happy because that is really all that mattes. Ya, it is never easy to restart, to put yourself out there and be vulnerable - but I'm not growing or gaining anything by staying hidden, knocked down, and broken. I need to heal myself, I need to learn form mistakes, and believe things can only get better! I hope all of you are reflecting and reconnecting. That you are able to restart and make up for lost time. Do something you have be wanting to do, shoot your shot, dont regret the what if. Make sure you live life, because I am a firm believer that I dont want to leave anything left unsaid or undone, in case I dont wake up tomorrow. I dont want regret on my conscious I want to know I did everything I could to be the best version of me, and to touch those in my life.

From experience, dont make excuses for other people and their actions. Do what is best for you. But also know that when you are dating an addict, it is not because of you, it is not your fault. Start to know your worth, realize the problem is bigger than you, that it is deeper than you. Al-Anon is a great tool to talk to people who have been where you have been. AA is a tool for the addicts, but Al-Anon is a tool for those who love, and have loved an addict to get the help and healing they are looking for. Sometimes answers are not as clear as you wish they could be.