Shock

Sunday, May 24th, 2020

I've been sitting here ... hoping I'd get some sort of apology, explanation, something. I had been wanting to hear from you. But, now I am shocked, totally stunned. At first I felt a panic, my first instinct was to reply, worried something bad had happened, or thinking that he needed me for something. But then I took a second, I stepped away. I let the old feeling of panic wash away. My stomach still hurt, but I wasn't anxious because of the text I was anxious because I knew something inside me changed. I opened the message. Two words, that was it ... but damn did my heart race seeing his name light up my phone. After nearly a month that was it .. that was all I got. It took everything in me not to respond. What was there to respond to? Say hey, and sit there with radio silence and not get an answer. No ... I couldn't do that to myself. I know there is a choice to respond or not, and I know him so well that once I respond he won't and we'll go back to the silent game. He could have texted me on graduation if he genuinely cared about me. I'm shocked that I spent so long mopping around when I know damn well none of this is my fault, I'm not to blame and I am sure as hell not responsible for how things are.

I have a routine now. I blog, I do my skin care, I pray, and I turn off my phone and go to bed. I cant let something disrupt that. Ya, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious, if I said I didn't want to reply ... but I know nothing would come of it. So I continue to pray for him, for his health, and his growth. But I can't get sucked back into something that I know hasn't changed. I'm stronger than my old habits. I'll reply like a normal person maybe, at a normal hour. Or not at all. I haven't decided yet - but I do know I haven't fully let go yet, if there was panic in my hearts reaction when I got the message. I know I haven't stopped loving him, but I do know it takes more than just a text to get my attention. Today of - all days was not the day to do it. With so much going on, so much worry, sadness, and stress surrounding events in my local area I can't process other peoples issues right now, when I know I only have the capacity to handle mine.

It's taken me a long time to realize it does not make me a bad person if I dont respond, or if I dont respond right away. It helps me to remind myself that I cant always put other people first, and sometimes those who put in the least amount of effort, deserve the least amount of my time. I hope he's well, but the one thing I think has been great for me is how I've been logged out of snapchat and instagram. I dont feel the need to log in, to look at stories. Ya I'll log into insta every now and again, the same with snap - but it isn't everyday, it isn't multiple times again. I have cut the consistency out of it. Not only lowering my screen time, lowering how many times I pick up my phone, and how long ive been on it. Being logged out really helps because then I dont see the notification number, and without seeing that I am less inclined to pick it up and check the app. I also have realized life is better off social media, I am not worried about what other people are doing, I am not comparing myself to others. I have really become even more confident in myself and embracing who I am .

In the last month I have done a lot more growing than I thought I had. I have defiantly stopped putting myself on the back burner. It has been so refreshing to put myself first. To see things change even small things, my hair has grown longer, my skin has cleared up, I am smiling more, I have so much energy, I have a sleep schedule and a routine that helps me stay motivated. I have been working out and ive seen changes that surprise me. I have gotten closer to my family, I have rebuilt my relationship with God. I have been writing again blogging has bene such a creative way for me to just have a stream of consciousness and get it all out! I've written poetry again. But, my favorite thing is that I have been hiking and being one with nature, I have climbed rocks, and sat by rivers, I have gotten lost in the woods. I have been outside. Just being outside in the fresh air and the sun has given me such a clear head.

I know my worth, I always did - but along the way I forgot a few times, I let things slide that shouldn't have. I know that I was giving more than I was receiving, I wasn't getting what I needed but I was giving someone else what they needed. You cant heal in the environment that made you sick. Some people can stay in your heart but not in your life ... they need to put in the effort to stay relevant in your life. When you stop chasing what you want. you walk right into what you need. Sometimes you can be the best thing to ever happen to a person but they can be the worst thing to happen to you. Your self respect always has to be stronger than your feelings that I lost along the way. If someone wants me in their life, they need to put me there I shouldn't be fighting for a spot. Sometimes you gotta blame yourself for what you are going through because you knew better ... and you put yourself in that situation because you wouldn't listen to yourself.

One of the biggest red flags in a relationship that most people miss is when they are first getting to know someone. And it is all happy, they are complimenting you and it is going well ... if feels great - doesn't? But there is something majorly wrong. If someone who doesn't know you, consistently talks to you as if they are completely in love with you ... even though it feels great - do they really know you to be able to love you? Are they happy to get to know you or are they happy that someone out there allowed them in their life? When someone immediately makes you feel like they love you even though they dont say it - when they are talking to you in a way where they are telling you they are the best thing to ever happen to them - before they even know you that's a RED FLAG. There is a big chance that you are dealing with a narcissist.

All I can say is listen to your bodies respond. Your head, your heart, your stomach the gut feeling is normally right! Trust it ... always put yourself first. Do what you need to do, dont put someones needs above yourself. Protect yourself, keep yourself happy and healthy. If someone wants to talk to you or wants to come back into their life, they need to put in the work and the effort. You aren't some truck stop bathroom off the high way ... easy access to take a shit in and than go back to their normal life. Know your worth, fight for yourself, never doubt the respect you deserve. Smile, keep your head high, and pray - know that god is walking with you side by side, and that you aren't alone. Again everything happens for a reason, and if things are meant to work out they will - trust god, trust the process, and trust your internal strength.