The Spectacular Now

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2020

I normally don't blog when its light out. I tend to save my writing for late at night, when I can't sleep and the thoughts are racing through my mind. Writing has been the way to turn off the noise at night to sleep. I'm an over-thinker and my brain doesn't understand the concept of time, it chooses to race late at night when the most important thing for me to do is sleep. Hence, the insomnia that has now completely over taken my nights. I can't choose when to sleep, I have to wait for it to consume me. Kind of like writing - I can't really choose when to do it, when the moment is there it kind of just falls out onto paper, well in this case onto the computer.

I have never bought into the Hollywood hysteria that a film, or show could ever relate to real life. That something could be so relevant that it makes me stop and think. That was until today, I was searching through Netflix like one does during quarantine, and I came across a movie that has been recommended for me to watch for the last month or so. It's called The Spectacular Now, I watched the trailer to see if I wanted to invest in watching it, and my heart stopped after the two minute and thirty second preview. Have you ever sat on your bed and started to shake ... no? Probably just a me thing. Well I cried, I cried at the trailer, not because it was sad - but because I felt like I was looking in the mirror. I thought I was fucked up, so I had to have a friend watch the trailer and tell me if I was being dramatic or not. She agreed, it summed it up - it summed up the last four months of my life. Not in a bad way ... but for the first time I felt like I could relate to a movie, I could connect because I had experienced parts of it, I've lived it.

What hurts the most, is hearing certain conversations on screen, seeing certain events - and knowing I've experienced it for myself. I'm not here to air my dirty laundry or put anyone on blast ... instead I have questions. For those of you who have seen the movie, you'll understand what I'm talking about, and if you haven't seen it, I strongly recommend watching it, its full of lessons, but not in the coming of age way, more of the tough love, this is real life and real life has consequences way. I'm about to expose myself and what I've learned over the last handful of months not only about myself, but about people. I'm one of those people who doesn't give up, as you've noticed if you've been following along with my posts you've gotten the impression that I care. I probably care too much, my heart it can't help but feel for people, feel their pain, want to help them. But, I also don't express my feels as freely as I want to. I'm guarded, in the past, I've never said "I love you" first, I've waited ... cautious not to say it too early. I wait for the other person to say it, I also won't say it until nearing the six month mark, because I need to know for sure, the feeling is still there post honey moon sage. I have these made up rules like I won't let you meet my parents till six months in, and if its the holidays no chance - you can meet them post holiday season. Why? Because I'm not dating to date around, hey that isn't to say my parents don't know about you, because they do. I just don't want them to meet someone, and get attached ... and then have things not work out later on.

I look back now and ya, my "rules" may be stupid but they are there to protect me. Maybe if I followed them, instead of making exceptions and just being open this last time around it wouldn't have wrecked me. I could have prevented all of this, but nooo no, I didn't I took the dive, I risked it all just to have it blow up in my face. Do you know what it's like to tell someone you love them, and to hear them say "no you don't" back. It's a shock to the heart for sure. When I say I love you to someone, I meant it - I don't just throw that phrase out there lightly. For the first time in my life I said it, as soon as I knew, as soon as I felt it ... I didn't second guess I didn't think to wait, I let the three words, eight letters fall out of my mouth. Watching the movie the Spectacular Now, I watched a conversation I've had with someone in real life on screen. In the movie there is an argument about whether or not Aimee should love Sutter. Watching it play in front of me made me cry. No one should feel like they don't deserve to be loved. To tell someone they are wrong for how they feel, its a deflective defense mechanism. I can tell you from experience we aren't wrong, we do love people especially when we say it. You can sit there and say all the mean things you want but at the end of the day we know how we feel, you can't tell someone how to feel, you can't tell someone not to say things.You can't change their feels or emotions toward you. Whether or not you want to hear it, well that's a different story.

I've seen it all, trust me with the experiences I've had dating. The worst thing someone can do is try to mess something good up because they feel like they don't deserve it, and that is simply bullshit. You can't tell someone how to feel, or what is good for them. Whether you can see it or not, they know what they want and what is best for them. Telling someone to go, or telling someone they don't care about you is stupid, because you know what ... if they are still sitting next to you after they hear what you have to say, they sure as hell love you, and whether you think you deserve it or not is on you ... but you can't push that away, because you don't find a love like that everyday. It wasn't until the near car crash in the movie that I felt my heart sink. Sutter gets mad at Aimee for asking if he is okay, he gets so angry with her for caring. What Sutter doesn't realize is this person in his life has concern for him and he well being. She is showing him care because they love him, and want to be there for him. He projects and asks Aimee what is wrong with her, he labels himself as bad for her, and tells her she should get away and leave. Well, news flash if you're still reading this, that isn't how life or love works.

The thing is, I've loved someone, well I still love them. I've been with someone who told me they were a mess, told me they weren't good for me, asked why I even care ... telling me I shouldn't want to be with them. Well I hate to break it to you sweetheart, that isn't how this works. You can't tell me how I feel, or what I should or shouldn't want, what I do is my business. I'm a big girl, I know what I want, and I'm not going to let you convince me that what I want is wrong. I'm sorry you're afraid of commitment, you're afraid of being hurt. Well HELLO everyone is!!! No one wants to be left, no one wants to get hurt, and no one wants their heart broken. If someone is there for you through all your bullshit, all your games, if someone is there at the end of the day to check on you, and to still be there for you after you trying countless times to mess it up ... maybe it's time for a wakeup call. Maybe you need to realize you should start accepting the love you deserve, and that isn't to say everyone is looking for commitment. Maybe they are just looking to be apart of your life, and not shut out. Did you ever think that maybe just maybe they want to be there for you, and just having you in their life is all they need right now? Commitment is a lot, so rather than that did you ever think that maybe they just want an understanding.

I'm telling you, watch the movie. It really shows how hope, and change play a role in life. Some lessons people have to learn on their own. They need to hit rock bottom and you can't do it for them. But, you can be there to help lift them up, when they are ready for it. The processes sucks, I know. But, don't give up on them. They may think no one cares about them. But, you know the truth, you do, you put up with a lot - you aren't scared of the "mess" they think they are. Instead you are playing the long game, waiting it out. You are stronger than they realize and can handle so much, you can handle them, you want to help them.

You may ask yourself, why hold on, why care? Well ... its simple. Have you ever had someone ask you "What's your story" and just want to hear about everything? I didn't ... until I met him, he asked me to give him a time life, fill him in on who I am, and what made me who I am, from high school till now. He listened, something so small, as taking a genuine interest and knowing what questions to ask. I never felt judged based on what I told him ... and I told him things I hadn't ever told someone before. I wasn't scared that my past would push him away. We all have baggage, but we can't take it into a new relationship. Ya, trusting is never easy. But, try giving them the benefit of the doubt. They are Jane Doe lets say who you dated before, so why assume they are going to treat you the same. I'm still trying to figure out why people treat people the way they do. Why would Jane Doe do the things she did to someone like you. I'll never understand why people cheat, why people are mean, and mistreat others. It just leaves them broken, and messed up for the next person - and those people don't get a fair chance at being with that person because they are always being compared, or questioned.

I love to do little things when I'm with a partner, if I hadn't seen them in forever I'll make them a little box with their favor things, and the last time I did it the person was confused they asked why I did it, and said they didn't get me anything. I wasn't doing it to get something back I was doing it because I knew it would mean something to them. I was surprised when they said it was weird that I asked them how they were all the time, its a genuine question. Or they were surprised I cared about them and their well being. I'm stuck stunned that people could mess people up so bad that genuine things fuck with them, and they think you are hiding something or want something in return. That not really how that works chief but I'm glad that how that person made you feel. Heres some advice don't ruin people for the next person, because then they are left sorting through the baggage and hurt you inflicted on that person and don't get a fair chance at a relationship.

Have you ever dated someone who told you they were messed up? That said they are too broken to be fixed. It isn't about fixing someone, it isn't even about fixing yourself. It's about going on the journey together, learning along the way, and growing. Change will happen and you will evolve, it is so much better when you are doing it with someone else. Give them time and space, when they are ready they will reach out to you, but never give up on them - and don't stop loving them. Go and watch the movie ... I wish I could get the person to watch it, who knows maybe he will. But, it defiantly opened my eyes and made me see the extend to everything that went on. Have you ever dated someone difficult? Someone how was harder to crack? Listen to your heart, they are difficult but it is so worth it, trust me give it time and it will work itself out, have faith and believe.