The Sweatshirt

Tuesday, April 28th, 2020

This morning I woke up after having a really odd yet vivid dream. For me it is rare to dream, my brain is always thinking, always racing so to have entered rem sleep and been able to stay in it long enough to have a dream was something special. I don't dream often, and before you say everyone dreams ... I don't have dreams that I remember often, probably two or three times a year I'll have a dream but last night it was enough to shake me a bit waking up this morning.

I had a dream about a sweatshirt, not just any sweatshirt but a specific sweatshirt - one that wasn't mine to begin with ... one that is no longer mine to have now. It was an oversized, green, quiet warn hockey sweatshirt. It was a sweatshirt that I had slept in nearly every-night that it did belong to me. I slept in it for nearly three months. It provided me warmth, and comfort. When I put it on it was a sense of home, I would wear it and it felt like I was receiving a hug from the person who gave it to me - I think that's why I slept in it almost every night. It was because I felt like that person was with me with their arms wrapped around me when I slept. I also wore it to class, and around more often than not too ... it was a sense of comfort that the distance, that the distance wasn't as big of a deal as it was.

I don't know why the sweatshirt appeared in my dream last night, because it isn't mine anymore. It was returned to the person who owned it. The dream had it hanging on the back of my bedroom door, and that was were I kept it when I wasn't wearing it ... keeping it separate from my things because I wanted to keep it smelling like him. For me giving it back was the hardest thing I had to do, not because I wanted to keep it ... but because I never thought I'd have to give it back. The person never asked for it back, but I knew it wasn't mine to keep if they were no longer my person. I still think about the comfort the sweatshirt gave me, I think about wanting to wear the sweatshirt on cold cloudy days, days when it is raining. Wishing I could have held on to it.

See, once it was returned there really was nothing left to hold on to right? There was no physical connection, no reason to go back ... there was nothing left to use as an excuse. It wasn't until I got my sweatshirt back that it hit me, but it didn't hit me right away. It wasn't until I was in the car with it on my passenger seat that I started to cry, my heart was shattering and all I wanted to do was turn my car around and go back. But, go back for what? What more could I have said, what more could I have done ...

I pulled on to the side of the road and cried, my makeup that I did that morning no longer existed it was washed away, and I needed to clean it up so I could pretend like it didn't matter - I couldn't let anyone see me with raccoon eyes that made the internal black and blue on my heart visible in my face. I got home and sat on my bed, hugging the sweatshirt, hoping it still smelt like him, even though I had known he washed it before giving it back. I didn't leave my room for two days, I wore my sweatshirt during those two days before my mom pulled me out of bed and forced me to take a shower. I have not touched the sweatshirt since, it sits on the floor a the bottom of my closet. I never wanted it back, I wanted him to keep it.

But that's the thing, the sweatshirts were swapped and returned, they were given back. I can't help but look at the photo of him wearing the sweatshirt, or knowing it was one of his favorites. I can't help thinking about him wearing it on days I had races and he couldn't be there but he was wearing it to support me. Or the morning we meet my friends, friends I had knowing for more years than I could count and he was wearing it at breakfast. It's weird, that a dream could have brought all of this to the surface. But, it isn't just that. Whenever it is cold or I'm sitting in my room and I can't sleep I find myself thinking about the sweatshirt, and wishing I could grab it and throw it on.

But, for those of you who actually read this, I think we know this is not just about a physical object, it really has nothing to do with the sweatshirt - but everything to do with what ... or in this situation who the sweatshirt represents. It's gotten easier not to check my phone hoping for their notification to pop up, or to see their photo appear when I'd get a call from them. I've stopped checking to see if they've seen my snap story, I haven't sent a snap ... I don't tag them in things on instagram anymore. What hasn't gotten easier is when something happens and I want to call them to tell them about it. *Got waitlisted from my top law school .. can't call them. *Choose where I was going to law school in the fall ... why bother calling they wouldn't care.

It sucks to have had plans, to have had things you were going to include them in. Graduation? Welp I doubt they remember now. I never wanted to become strangers again. I never thoughts it would be so easy for someone to let go, to just forget about you. What hurts the most is how easy it seems for them to stop talking to you. I did everything I could to fight for them, I did everything I knew how to do ... and at the end of the day I'm left realizing it wasn't enough ... I, I wasn't enough.

I've never liked being home, but I had found myself coming home more because of him, he had made home feel like home. And now I'm stuck, I want to call and hang out, I want to watch dumb movies, God I'd even go play golf if they wanted to. It wouldn't matter what we did, all that mattered was I'd get to be there with them. Having the dream really hurt when I woke up, it made me sad. I checked my phone and I dont know why I thought I'd have a notification but I didn't and I knew better than to hope I did.

The sweatshirt reminded me that I still think about you, I still pray for you. It isn't because I hate you, but because I care, I genuinely care about you, and I don't know what it would take for you to see that. It sucks when my mom or dad asks about you, because I think they actually thought it would work ... or they thought for now we'd be friends. But, the sad thing is I haven't heard form you, and you said you wanted to stay friends you wanted to hang out and you wanted to keep talking. I left the ball in your court because I didn't want to be smothering. I wish you meant it when you said we'd stay friends because it feels more and more like a goodbye.

Someone asked me if I thought you read my posts, and the answer that fell out of my mouth was No, I didn't even have to think about it. You probably don't know this exists, and even if you did I don't think you'd care enough to read it. I think you'd avoid it because that's what you do, you avoid things so you don't have to deal with it. After everything I still have never said anything bad about you, and I dont think I ever could. But, I do need to stop blaming myself for everything that happened because from a reasonable prospective, I dealt with more hurt than you did. Even if you did read any of this, you'd never say anything, because you hardly ever say anything or express things. It was like pulling teeth just to get honest answers.

If I could do one thing, it would have been to have talked after my cruise before going back to school. I would have said everything I had wanted to say. See I wrote everything down, and gave it to you, I mailed you something that I don't necessarily think you deserved but knew it might help you. Even when I'm upset and mad at you, I still want to help. I want to be there to support your growth ... I've never judged you or took the time to tear you down, to me that has no place in life, I wanted and still want to build you up. I think that's why I still pray for you, I still hope things will change. I hope one day that sweatshirt will reappear in my life and I could be wearing it to bed.

The saddest thing that could happen, and I don't mean to me - is for them to realize too late what a good thing they had in front of them. I don't believe there is such a thing as "being too good for someone" or "deserving better" I believe that is a good thing ... there are a lot of people out there that don't know how to have a relationship or be good to each other, so let me me show you what you have been missing but what you've always deserved. I want to see you achieve your goals so "working on yourself" is something we can do together, I work on myself everyday, but doing it with that support system is so special and so rare.

God, I just I'm a frustrated bean at the moment, because all I want to do is shake you! I want to tell you to wake the hell up, to open your eyes, and just accept the love that you deserve and to take the risk that things work out and everything leading up to this was worth it! Life is not meant to be easy, life tests us and tries our patience, trust me I know!! But, lord you are so difficult and frustrating. I don't know how many times you need to hear that you are cared and loved for - but I hope you figure it out. I never give up on someone, but I also don't wait around and drag my feet, so I suggest you catch up because while I don't want to leave you behind, I can't do the physical work for you, you have to step up and take the first step in that direction yourself.