Wake Up

Friday, April 24th, 2020

This morning I woke up, and the first thing I had to deal with was the regret of sending a text message that I sent last night, not because I sent it - but because I expected things to be different. I expected a response, or for them to be there but I should have known better, that I shouldn't have expected anything. Because I knew that I wasn't getting a response, it settled in. The salt on the wound did not burn any longer. I woke up and I had to deal with the dry mouth and the headache I had. It was a headache rather than the heartache this morning. I was not in pain over a person, but in pain because of my actions.

I realized that I can't do that to myself. I can't fall into the habit of doing that to myself. So I got up, took a shower, and I chose to let go. I choose to release the pain I felt in my heart, and release it into the world. I'll still think about you, I'll still care - but I won't reach out, I won't put in the effort to communicate. I will take my time to grow, I will continue to pray for you. But, I now leave it in your court. If someone wants to talk they will reach out, but I am not putting in that work. I can't.

I needed to get them out of my head. The though of them being gone just hurts. The memories keep replaying in my head, but I know I can't hold on to that because not everything was great. Sometimes I wonder what I did wrong ... why you chose to leave after you told me you saw a future with me. You had said you cared, and made a promise not to hurt me. But some promises are meant to be broken, you are meant to learn from things. I've realized that if you can't stop thinking about them and truly believe you are meant to be with them - guess what - you are. Do not let the circumstances get in the way do not let the past mistakes dictate the future. There is a reason why you feel this connection with them, and why you cant just forget about it.

Sometimes they do care but they need time to figure out how they're feeling. You have to give them that time and while you're at it figure out how you are truly feeling it will get better. The world and everyone in it just needs a little time to heal for now. Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you dont care, but because they don't. All you can do is give it your best and if your best isn't enough don't waste your time on someone who doesn't appreciate all your effort.

Let go of the idea of perfection, you are not perfect, you are real you are human. Let yourself be flawed, and allow yourself to make mistakes. Recognize that you are not always going to have it all together. Trust me, you as talking to the queen of mistakes. One time I made a mistake at a party, while I didn't do anything wrong ... my partner at the time really showed their true colors, they told me they didn't trust me even though they had no reason not to - they took something from their past relationship and projected it on me, even though it didn't have anything to do with me. That was the moment I realized everyone is beautifully broken. Sometimes happened to them that is warry of being cheated on so instead of talking to me they pushed me away and shut me out.

Sometimes your heart is going to break, you are going to get hurt, you are going to feel pain. Don't apologize for being broken - every time you break you become a little more alive. you become more open with yourself. You become exposed to your sensibility, every crack tells you a little more about yourself. That was something that I experienced first hand, I realized that every crack someone carried tells a story, of past scars that they faced. Some of them haven't healed, they haven't done what they needed to to heal themselves, which is a shame because that does not give you a fair chance moving forward.

Your strength, your courage, your tenacity - what you're made of. Do not hide these pieced from the world, they are a part of who you are. You see, the most beautiful people are beautifully broken. There hearts are heavy but they love the deepest. They have seen the hard but they appreciate everything that shines. They're compassionate, understanding, and empathetic. Beautiful hearts just don't happen - and you need to remind yourself that you are going to show the world just how beautiful you are because of everything you have gone through. Everything you have experienced didn't break you, it made you stronger, and taught you so much.

I have loved someone who has been through a lot in life, it isn't until they choose to deal with it and accept what has happened, and start to heal that they are giving anyone a fair chance when they enter their life. I have chosen not to leave, I'll always stay and be there, but I defiantly won't go out of my way any longer. They need to realize just how special what they were receiving was, not everyone would do the things that I did for them. It isn't until they acknowledge what they did, and accept the help that they need, that things in their life will change.

I'll continue to love them from afar, I will pray for there growth everyday hoping they move in the right direction, but I will no longer internalize what is going on as something that has to do with me. I will pray, and I will continue to care and support. But, I will not cry, I will not make myself feel back, and I will take the time I need to grow and heal from this. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom and find their way out of it, without you. I pray they wake up, they acknowledge what they did and accept the consequences of their actions ... that they can grow and learn from it, but come and make things right. Because avoiding things never made them any better - and if they dont want to lose something that is once in a life time, they would wake up and open their eyes because unconditional love that is genuine is so hard to find. Have you ever loved someone who just pushed you away? How did you handle someone who didn't know what to do with the love you gave them? What have you learned about your love language that you didn't know before?