Learning

Saturday, January 02nd, 2021

Today was a big day for me, I had messaged someone checking in on them, they responded and let me know how they were - and I followed up with them. They opened my message and then didn't answer. Normally this would have bothered me, but I've realized that its the thought that counts, the sentiment that I took the time to see how they were doing, if they didn't feel the need to respond then they didn't feel the need to.

I've started to not become so attached to my phone. I don't allow notifications to come on my phone, I don't leave "social media" apps logged into. I even have 17 unread, unopened, unresponded to messages sitting on my phone right now. I used to get so annoyed and anxious about having notifications visible, but now I could care less. I respond to urgent messages, things that need timely answers but than If it is something that can wait I have time at the end of my day to respond to it.

It is nice to try and detach from my phone, it is an object that defiantly causes me stress and anxiety in life. I think the more exposure we have to social media and what society dems to be the standard to live by it really impacts people mentally. I know just by not using snapchat and instagram over the last 2 days, I feel less pressure to be a certain way, I dont feel like I "need" to snap someone back or that I need to make sure I look good 100% of the time, especially on days when I already dont feel great about myself. We are human, we are aloud to have bad days and not feel great, but we need to learn to be nicer to ourselves and have positive self talk.

You'd never let someone call your best friend fat, so why do you let your best friend call themself fat? See thats your friend bullying themself and we dont stand for anyone bullying the people we care most about. I've never been one to believe in manifestation, or positive affirmations - but I do think we are in control of our thoughts and we need to have positive self talk and dialogue. So I've given affirmations a try, when I wake up I remind myself that I am strong, I am capable, and I am enough.

I also woke up this morning and deleted my dating profile accounts, I deleted the apps from my phone. I dont have the time or the energy to focus on weeding through people, having pointless dead end conversations, and putting in the effort to that right now. Right now I am focusing on myself, my health, my happiness. I am choosing for the next 90 days to "date myself" take myself out to do things, spend time being alone - and growing with being okay with that. I'm the type of person to date toward marriage, I'm not dating someone for fun - so right now I'm pausing that part of my life, I'll revisit it when the time is right, but hey they always say you'll meet someone when you aren't looking so who knows!

But, I think this is a big step for me, see after my last relationship I was trying t find that again, I was looking for that feeling with someone else, and when I couldn't find it I was in a bad spot, I hit my own rock bottom if you will. I was selfish, not a great friend, I wouldn't listen to anyone, I thought I knew it all. I was stupid, I didn't want to let go and move on ... and through doing that I had lost friends. You know how people say they can never hate someone they love, well they can dislike them and still love them - and for me ... I was being self destructive, I was being selfish and I was disliked by those closest to me because they were tired of seeing me go down the rabbit hole, they had no more advice to give me and they didn't want to listen to me anymore because I wasn't listening to them in return.

It's true, I was going in circles talking about the same things, because I couldn't let go, I didn't want to move on ... but I had to. I Took the tough love I was given and I just stoped, every day I did one thing to move forward until I was back to my normal self, and I haven't looked back since. I never want to go back to the person I became, I didn't even like myself. We are forever changing and evolving but sometimes we go through phases where the person we have become isn't the person we need to be or want to be and we have to find our way back on to the path we are supposed to be on.

It's a process, everyday we learn, we grow, we change. For me using my phone less has been super beneficial, I'm not glued to it, I'm not constantly thinking "why didn't they text me back"; my anxiety is at a minimum, because I am not over thinking as much anymore. There is something valuable to be gained out of all the experiences we come across. Take everything with a grain of salt, try your best to do better and be better. Check in on your friends more, making time for those who are important, do something someone else besides yourself wants to do. You'll see the little things like that mean a lot to those in your life, and they add up. They will appreciate it, and those are the things people dont forget.

Life is a process, it is never ending - always evolving but know that you can learn one new thing a day. I know I did - I listened to a really good pod cast while I was getting ready to go to the gym this morning, and it was about not internalizing guilt when it isn't your guilt to bare. It also addressed how guilt serves a purpose about self reflection, and forgiveness - there is always something to be learned, we are never done learning just because you may not be in formal education any longer. I'm learning to love myself, love this chapter of "singleness" and do something for me everyday for the next 90 days. It's all about small goals, little things you wanna do, lengthily and lofty goals should be broken down into parts to make them manageable, achievable, and will keep you motivated so you dont get Burnt out or discouraged.

Life is full of lessons; what lesson have you learned in the last 48 hours? What is something you want yourself to learn 30 days from now? How will you grow into a more improved version of yourself?