It's Okay, to Stumble

Thursday, January 14th, 2021

We never know what life is going to throw at up, and throw our way. But, that is the beauty of waking up in the morning is seeing what is going to come your way. Life is all about Choices, the choices you make in how to handle what comes your way. This morning I choose to sleep in a bit, I woke up at 7:15 to use the bathroom, I tried to fall back to sleep but couldn't, so I had two choices continue to lay there or get up and do something. Well, I laid there for forty minutes or so scrolling through tik Tok as one does before getting up and starting my day.

See normally I would get ready to head to the gym and bang out my workout before I had class from 1-415. But today I had made plans at 1130 to see a friend I hadn't seen since August. So I changed it up. When I woke up this morning I wasn't feeling myself 100% and I know it is because I had been neglecting my self care routine. So, I decided to do something about it. I did a hair mask, a face mask, I whitened my teeth, I did a sugar scrub, shaved everything ... and when I say everything 😉 I mean everything, I did my eye brows, I moisturized and then I took off old nail polish that I hadn't gotten to and cut my nails. It was nice to take the first two hours of my day to pamper myself, especially since I had been neglecting to treat myself, I shower almost everyday because of working out at the gym (obviously I dont wash my hair everyday that would be bad, but you get the point) Today it was enjoyable to not just take a 5 minute in and out shower.

After that I ran to quest to drop something off so my doctors could finish running some tests. I went over to the store to pick up some flowers, see I needed to do something to make sure my friend knew they were special and important - plus she just moved and I hadn't been to her new place yet and wanted to make sure she had something as a house warming gift. It was such a great time, I got to meet and play with her new cat, and man is he a cutie - such an adorable fluff ball.

See, I am a firm believe that people can be friends outside of the circumstances where they met to begin with. For me I think we keep people around to have positive impacts in their life. I have this friendship that I respect and I appreciate wholeheartedly because she has a great head on her shoulders, she is driven, and such a positive person - I feel how much she adds to my life. For some people they would think its weird to stay friends with an ex's sibling but for me, our "relationships" were separate and never were conditional, thats why when we broke up I made sure to make it clear we would always be friends, and I'd be in her life for as long as she wanted me around.

Though I'm not gonna lie, sometimes its hard. Like today ... I dont think she noticed, but it was a hard pill to swallow when she had mentioned he moved on and had a girlfriend. Look its normal, life is all about moving on ... I was just taken back that he "moved on" so quickly. It stung ... especially since I'm here not completely over him. Healing isn't linear, and sometimes road blocks pop up to remind us it is okay to feel the way we do ... but what we need to do is remind ourselves not to get stuck there for too long. Obviously it takes time to get over someone, especially someone you loved ... someone you had felt things for you had never felt in the past ... someone who you experienced and did things with that you hadn't done other things with before. It'll always be a wound that stings.

Woman and Men deal with breakups differently. Back in May you'd catch me sitting in my room crying, depressed, watching movies, and drinking ... and let me tell you drinking isn't the answer. I realized I wasn't going down the right path and I was really only hurting myself more and prolonging my healing. In June after allowing myself that time to "wallow" if you will I started running, I went back to the one thing that has always grounded me mentally - and that is physically moving my body, physically putting it through things so it is forced to feel the pain. See pain is weakness, well in this case pain is pain leaving the body. For me I needed to force myself to feel the emotions in order to deal with them. I was hurt with how it ended, I was hurt by what happened - anyone who loves someone and then has it end understands that pain.

For me, I haven't been ready to "find someone new" I haven't been able to let someone else in. See, I've tried, I've gone on 3-4 dates since breaking up ... and well one date never turns into a second, because at the time wasn't over him, I wasn't being fair to the person who was trying to give me there time and effort because I wasn't 100% present. I was comparing them to him because I missed him. So I took myself "off the market" I had made a tinder, I deleted it because I wasn't ready to find someone new ... I wasn't ready to "replace him". But, thats the difference between men and woman, woman tend to focus on themselves after a breakup, men dont always heal, they dont address what is wrong and they dont put in the time, effort, and energy it takes to improve themselves and better them so the same things dont continue happening.

I've taken the time to heal myself, you should never be looking for someone else to heal you. You should never expect someone to come fix what's broken, that isn't their job. Now the real truth. I left hanging out with m friend because I had to get home since I had class. As soon as I left her place, I cried walking to my car. I called my best friend angry, frustrated, hurt. See from my point of view he made it so easy to "replace me" he made moving on and getting over what we had look so easy. I knew he found someone else when I saw him post her on his snapchat story in October, I just ... wasn't ready to admit that to myself. I wanted to believe he was missing me like I missed him, and that he was putting in the work he needed to better himself.

You hear the song "drivers license" that is so popular from Tik Tok? Well trust me I blasted that in the car driving home multiple times to get out the feelings I was feeling. Ya I was sad, and hurt. Its normal ... its normal to compare yourself to someone who is older, more established, seemingly "put together" from the outside. It is so easy to allow yourself to "spiral". I did for a moment, I was sitting there being like she's better ... I had myself convinced he upgraded he found a better "model" out there. She's older, "prettier" "thinner", she's foreign, she's "smarter" just because she has an established career. But ... all of those things are in my head. Truth is, I dont know her, I just know the things about her that I've been told.

She could be a nice person, and I dont want to be one of those girls who tears another girl down. But, at the same time I need to not compare myself. We are in different walks of life, we aren't the same person. Most importantly I need not to put myself down. Why is it so easy for humans to be negative and tear themselves down? See I was sad, I literally didn't eat "lunch" till 4 pm I had a small bowl of Mac and cheese my bother made, but I didn't really have an appetite. Thats what happens when my depression and anxiety kick in, I become sad, quiet, lose my appetite, and all I want to do is lay down and cry. I didn't want to spiral and I didn't want to start falling into bad negative habits that dont serve me well.

My uncle stopped by after work to say hello, he dropped off some pots and pans for me to use on my stove back at my apartment since he got new ones. It was nice to see him but I defiantly wasn't in the mood to socialize. So I did what I do best now a days, I took my ass to the gym. I drank an "energy drink" (Celsius Heat) on my way to the gym ... around 530. I got to the gym and parked and literally sat in my car for 10 minutes numb. Walked into the locker room to change ... and had two very nice conversations with woman in the locker room - building each other up. I finally started my workout around 630. I banged out a 2 minute plank like it was nothing and I felt so strong! After I warned up and I was debating what I was going to do. I chose to go back in the locker room and dry scoop pre work out which in retrospect wasn't the best idea since it was after 7. But ooh well!

I started doing "Day 10" in my full body weight lifting rotation and I was banging it out, dividing the workout - I did 18 chin ups no problem, I was cranking out my dead lifts. I was feeling strong. At times I wanted to cry, and that is just me being the emotionally in touch person I am, and it is okay to cry. I stopped half way through to go to the bathroom and do just that - I cried. I know I am a strong person, I am constantly working on bettering myself, and I am content with who I am and what I have in life. I am content being enough for myself. Sometimes its hard though we are all human and we get lonely we get jealous we get angry. I used my anger to get through the rest of the lift and then drive home at 940.

while I was in the car I allowed myself feel the "hurt" I was feeling but that was it. Sometimes all you need to do is allow yourself to sit with how you are feeling. I know I have been working on myself these last few months, and that is more than I can say about my ex. I have been focused on being a better person, a better version of myself. I have learned to love myself, love the skin I'm in. I have found a hobby I love (working out / going to the gym) I am focused on building a better, stronger, mentally and physically tougher person. Someone who is content with my life, and not so willing to bend over backward for someone else. Someone has to be worthy of my time. It is so easy for us to accept less than we deserve. It is so easy to compare our selves to others without knowing all the facts or the full story.

I'm the type of person who wishes nothing but the best for other people. And sometimes I put myself down without realizing it. We all need people in our lives to remind us what we have to offer sometimes. One of my friends today texted me after we talked about what I learned today, and how I felt she texted me and said, "you may look at it like that, but there's only one you and you bring such sunshine to peoples lives - you've already brought so much to mine" We literally became friends through law school near finals - and I didn't realize in a month I had made such a difference / impact in her life. I cried reading that, defiantly had to play it off as sweat since I was still working out but it really made me realize that there is only one me ... there is no "replacing someone" there is no "upgrading" or "downgrading" these are human concepts because life is always a "competition" but why does it have to be that way, why does there need to be a winner and a loser? Why can't all parties win - why can't everyone be happy?

Happiness looks different for different people, happiness is what life is about. For me, I acknowledge I loved him, I acknowledge it hurts knowing he moved on so quickly, I acknowledge it was a natural human response to be jealous. But, I also acknowledge that I have come so far, and I have put in so much work to better myself. I acknowledge that I have been continuing to move forward, I'm not going to let today be the "undoing" of all the work I've done or to get me down / bring me down a dark path. See I think it was so telling of how much I've changed because I went to the gym to work thought it and work it out - rather than spiral and cope in other unhealthy ways.

I stumbled today allowing myself to feel sad. I stumbled because I didn't not treat my body well. In all honesty all I did today was eat the bowl of Mac and cheese. That is horrible I deprived myself the nutrients my body so desperately needed because I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and literally take away my appetite. I made it "worse" by working out for 2.5 hours and lifting for 2 straight hours. Plus! dry scooping pre workout at that time of night is counter productive. But, it was also a small victory and win that I went to workout because the gym is my outlet it helped me work through how I was feeling and really become "at peace" with it. I acknowledged it, I was valid in feeling it, and then I let it go since it is out of my control. I cant hold on to those feelings that is counter productive.

I am out peace knowing that he obviously wasn't my person, my person is out there somewhere. Hopefully he is looking for me, as well as working on being the best version of himself he can be. Something I keep in mind is that God doesn't look at two people that are meant to work and say "let me take that away". But the truth is God would never take something away from you that was truly meant to be yours. When God takes something away from your life, it is because he has other plans, there are better things in store for you to replace it. through my faith I am a believe that if something is meant to be it will be, if it is meant to be yourself set it free, it'll find its way back to you if it was your to begin with. Sometimes people come in our lives, they drift out, and they come back - and if thats the case then great. But if it isn't the case it was meant to serve a purpose at the time, it was meant too makes you feel and experience things, it was meant to teach you a lesson, it was meant to have you take something away from it. People come and go once they have served a purpose.

Life is too short to have hate in your heart, to be resentful. For me I am happy I know what I know, I'm glad I had that information - so now I can fully let go of any hope I was holding on to that this person would change, that they are doing the work they need to be better. I let go of the thought they missed me, that they thought about me. I let go of the idea that they would come back. It was the harsh reality that helped me let go, and now I feel a bit "freer" I feel lighter knowing this information. I trust the process and whatever life throughs my way, I'm ready for it - because though it didn't end the way I wanted, I learned valuable information, and I had experienced I would have never had. I'm not one to reread or rewrite chapters, so I'm ready to close thing chapter, and I'm ready to see what the next one ahead holds. Characters come in and our unexpectedly so who knows what'll happen, but I do know I trust God, and whatever he has in store planned for me. It is time for me to not accept anything less than I deserve, it is time for me to get exactly what I need, even if it isn't what I think I "want".

What is something that has changed your life, that has positive and negative implications that you couldn't imagine being the person you are today without it occurring? Do you believe you can out grow people? Are you someone who believes in right person wrong time - or do you think there is no such thing as the wrong time?