New Year, New Start

Friday, January 01st, 2021

Life is a funny thing. For the first time in two years, I didn't leave CT at 8 am, to drive back to Boston. I didn't have to have all my stuff packed and ready to go and honestly it feels like a foreign concept to me to be sitting on my bed in my childhood home. For the last two years I would have packed up and gotten ready to fly to Florida for a training trip, and gotten ready to spend the next week training 6 hours a day. I loved that experience and those who know me in real life know working out is my main focus it is something I absolutely love to do.

It's kind of bitter sweet not to have that "normal" event happen. It was weird to go to the gym this morning and workout instead of travel, pack, and do some more traveling. But, honestly it was peaceful, a change of pace that I was so thankful to have. I was excited to start my day, and not have to rush back to the "craziness" that is my everyday life. There is something about having this extra time at home that I am so appreciative of. I am able to have this time to refocus and rebalance myself. Plus I wasn't ready to go back to work, school, and swimming just yet. I like waking up, going to the gym, and then going about my day - it is nice to have a break from the stresses of everyday life. While I will miss the Florida sun, training with some of the best girls I know, and having a "work / play" type of vacation - I can honestly say that as a "home body" I've been able to enjoy this "winter recess" and truly get something out of it - rather than run around, try to see everyone I wanted/needed to in a short period of time and than leave. There was no count down of days, there was no rushing, there was no strain to pack as much in as I could. Instead it was peaceful, restful, and enjoyable - and I'm not quite ready for it to end just yet.

It was also really nice to see someone interacting with my posts it meant a lot to me. I wanted to and the questions left in the comment section of my last post - but I haven't figured out how to do it directly to the person so hopefully they subscribed and can see my attempt at responding here. I wanted to start by saying any period of time away from something is amazing so good for you for challenging yourself. It is never easy to take something away and remove it from our lives, no matter the time period a day, a week, a month, or a year - and it is not a competition between people. Everyone has there own goal, so trying to cut alcohol out of your life for the month of January is incredible! I wanted to start off by saying I am in no way perfect, lord I am far from it - but I have gotten to a point in my life where I can recognize when things don't serve a purpose me any longer. For me choosing to go into 2021 without alcohol is huge for me. I made this decision because I didn't drink before I went to college I started drinking at 19 because it was legal in the country I was living in, when I moved back to the states I was 21 and legal here to. Over that last 5 years of drinking - I realized I kind of out grew it. I didn't see the point, it wasn't serving a positive purpose, but most importantly it wasn't fun anymore ... I was kinda doing it because it was something to do and I felt like I couldn't socialize without it not because I was dependent - but because I felt like it would be awkward. I felt like people would judge me if I didn't take part or they would stop inviting me to hang out with them. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that I think it would be cool if I ordered a plain cranberry juice or a Diet Coke at the bar instead of alcohol. Just because I am choosing to change my life style, doesn't mean I lose out on socializing, it doesn't mean I dont get invited out - I can still go to the bar and spend time with my friends - I just dont have to personally take part, and you know what - that is okay. Hey look at it this way - my friends just gained a year long DD so they dont have to worry lol. I'm not saying it's easy, or that I'll go the rest of my life on earth without ever having a glass of wine again, but what I am saying is my goal is to go 365 days, a whole year without drinking ... plus I can only image how much money I could save, and what I could do with that money, man the possibilities are endless!

I woke up this morning and I felt at peace, I felt like 2021 is a year of chances, a year that I want to be full of Hope. I am hopeful 2021 will be positive, beneficial, and wholesome. A year I will learn and grow from. I want this year to be a year that I push myself out of my comfort-zone, a year that I learn how to say NO, that I stop trying to help everyone who asks for my help. I want this year to be focused on me, I want to rebuild friendships that might have been neglected in 2020, friendships that were put on the back burner due to other things. I want to mend what is not completely broken, and build back the bridge. I am hopeful this will be a year of progress, a year where I start to look at myself the way my friends and family look at me. I have goals, and this year I chose to write them down, I chose to acknowledge them like a check list so I can wake up every morning and work on getting closer to achieving what I am setting out to focus on.

Growing goes hand in hand with healing. 2021 I have hope that I will grow and heal physically mentally and spiritually. I have manageable small goals that I want to check off daily to form a new habit and routine. I want to transform physically in the gym, fuel my body with better nutrition, mentally I am focused on listening to self development podcasts, reciting daily affirmations, and journaling for therapy. Spiritually I am focused on going to church, praying, and reading my Bible nightly for a devotional. I want to set myself up to succeed and not fail, so breaking into small 10 minute tasks is the best way for me to fit everything in everyday!

Reflecting back to the comment left on my post from yesterday, I wanna say that I am hopeful that some friendships aren't gone forever, that they can come back together and be mended. But, I also know it takes two people to heal, it takes two people talking it through and making an effort. In my case something happened that put a wedge between me and a friend but at a point I saw that I was the only one trying to save our friendship, while I cared - I knew I couldn't fight alone, I wasn't being met half way. I got to a point where I couldn't apologize anymore I couldn't be the only one reaching out and making an effort to heal - so I chose to walk away. I still pray for this person, I want to see them happy, healthy, and thriving, but right now we are in a period where we dont talk, we haven't in months and during this time of no contact - I've missed them but I've seen how we have grown apart. Growing away from others happens, but don't lose the memories and milestones you've shared together - those you get to take with you for a lifetime.

It's crazy to think two years ago during a layover in Atlanta that I met my "long distance" "penpal" if you will. There was a guy sitting at our gate that kept making eye contact with me, so I left my number on his bag when we were de-boarding our flight that landed in West Palm. Who knew two years, countless texts, hours on the phone, rare facetimes ... that we'd be still in each others lives. I love when I haven't heard form him in weeks sometimes months, I get a random text when I need it, we talk for hours and - the other night he said something that really stuck with me. Who knew a small ripple could turn into a large wave. Who knew me putting a note on his bag, would turn into a friendship I am so grateful to have. Someone who is so far removed from my life, someone who has no stake in judging me, someone who is open minded and genuinely cares about what I have to say. It isn't serious (topics of conversation wise I mean) all the time - he is a nerd at heart after all. It is just nice to talk to someone about anything, no matter what time of night it is. I'll never forget the night before I had surgery to have my cancer removed, he called me because he though I wasn't able to sleep because I was overthinking and nervous ... well he'd be right. He stayed up with me till 4 am, distracting me and I was so grateful. He texts me when he needs to "run major life changes" by me and I feel honored to be apart of his circle of trust. Now if only I could get him to ask the waitress out that he's been crushing on - baby steps. But, I dont know what I'd do without him. He became part of my life, without even realizing it. Something so small, a true ripple can turn into a wave. Leaving a note on a strangers bag, can turn into a friendship neither person knew they needed.

What I'm trying to say is - take a risk, tell someone you like their outfit, you think they have a great smile. Leave your phone number for the cute barista - what ever it may be, take a risk - the worst that could happen is 1) you dont hear from or 2) they aren't interested. But really you're gaining - you're taking a risk you are putting yourself out there. Getting the answer of "No" seems a hell of a lot better than sitting there not doing anything, and regretting it later. Why waist a chance, and an opportunity that you probably won't get again. I'd rather be rejected and shot down - than live with the question of what if, what could have been. It's cliche but you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, so take the shot. It is better to take the shot and miss, then not to take the shot at all. Do one thing, one small thing everyday for yourself and see how happy you become, how excited you are to do these things for yourself, you are making memories. Wake up early and go see the sun rise, take a drive and listen to music, what ever it is 2021 is the time to do things that make you happy.

I was lucky I woke up this morning, I felt gratitude, I felt peace, I felt solace knowing I was awake and I was were I was supposed to be. I got up, went to the gym, came home did laundry, helped my mom, had a family dinner. I cleaned out my email and got to sit down, mediate, and write. I couldn't ask for a better day, because everything I did had meaning and purpose. Texted the friend you think might be struggling, reach out, be the bigger person and apologize. Don't go to bed with a heavy heart - thinking you'll get around to it tomorrow ... no one is certain that they even have tomorrow. 2021 is a reset, it is a new start and all I want to see is hopefully people, setting out to better themselves, looking to make a difference and put a smile on someone else's face. I have hope for those who dont have hope, that 2021 will be a better year, we just need to stay positive, be optimistic, and be better people putting out positivity and kindness into the world - it needs more of it.

What is something you want to work on in 2021? Is there something you've been putting off or been too afraid to try or go after?