Exhaustion

Tuesday, January 05th, 2021

Something I need to learn is when to slow it down! I have been grinding in the guy 2.5-3 hours a day for the last 18 out of 19 days, the last time I took a day off was Christmas, and that was because the gym was closed. I have been really strict with myself, I have been intermittent fasting, with an eating window that starts between 1/2 pm and ends at 8 pm, which has been working because I get up around 8, Im at the gym till 12 or a little after I come home shower, and than I finally get to eat.

It works with my schedule especially with classes at school since I am usually more busy in the morning / start of my day that I dont eat till later in the day anyway. Besides fasting it has been great cutting off food consumption at 8 pm because than I get ready for the next day, I sit down and reflect and blog, and than I mediate, pray , and read the Bible. It is like my down time to unwind. I am always in bed by 10 pm and Ive gotten everything I needed done that was important to me.

A friend of mine today told me that I have to do things for myself and me alone, that I need to be about myself and selfish for once. She knows me and knows that I like to help others and I have trouble being "selfish" and giving to myself. But, she made a really great point - that If I am not looking out for myself, no one else is. No one else can be for you, except for you - you have to be about yourself. So In this "phase 1" of 2021 in this time of self growth, self betterance - and self dating and discover I am being all about myself.

My focus is mental clarity, and to be physically a stronger person. I dont want to let my insecurities grow. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be kind to myself, see I feel like it has become so easy for us to bully ourselves. Like how many times have you looked in the mirror and said to yourself that you look fat or you dont like yourself. See you'd never let someone call your best friend Fat ... so why do you allow yourself to refer to yourself as Fat. That is bullying yourself and that isn't okay - you wouldn't let your best friend call themselves fat because that is bullying to themselves, and we dont stand for bullying in any form. Look - it is all about being positive, it is about being kind to ourselves our body is our vessel - and we only have 1 body so we cant mis treat it.

It in the morning and evening when I brush my teeth, I remind myself through affirmations that I am strong, I am worthy, I am enough. I am starting to believe that I am enough, and it has only been 5 days, so I can only image what it'll feel like at the end of 90 days. I am all about challenging myself and bettering myself, which is why it is so easy for me to be at the gym 2-3 hours a day, and it never feels like I am there for that long which is crazy! But, I love it. But, the best thing I have done to challenge myself is to stop using snapchat. It is so nice not to feel pressure to use snapchat everyday, to take pictures and feel good about it all the time. Id say in the last year the thing that I have really noticed is I am okay without wearing make up - while the masks help. I dont feel pressure to do full faces of makeup anymore I do when I am feeling artsy and creative but I dont feel like I cant leave the house without it. Also with the mask I dont like the mask transfer and that I have to instantly wash the mask instead of get to rewear it once.

That is growth because if you were to ask me 2 years ago if I could go a day without wearing makeup the answer would be no, the only time you'd catch me without makeup on was if I was at the gym or if I was sleeping. Now speaking of "sleeping" Lord do I love sleep! getting to bed by 10 pm and waking up naturally around 730 It has been so nice to get the sleep my body needs/wants but also being able to naturally wake up and slowly get up outta bed by 8 has been wonderful!

I have noticed that I am tired and sore more often though and I think it has been because I haven't given myself a proper break, see breaks aren't my style. I know I need to take it easy and that was the plan today ... until I ran 3 miles walked 2, stretched and than lifted for 50 minutes. I was planning on being at the gym for 1.5 hours but I was there for 3 lol but that isn't anything new. I did reward my body with a epsin salt bath with lavender this afternoon which was relaxing to my muscles. I need to take a day off because I am so tired ... but that comes with a mental struggle I've talked about before with being guilty about taking a rest day. I've talked to my best friend who studies sports / athletes behavior and I know that I need to give my body a break since it takes 23-48 hours for muscles to heal after being broken down ... but I just keep pushing myself because the sore pain is a physical measure of what I have been putting in.

I dont want to be exhausted going back to school full time, because during finals I was exhausted, the burn out was bad and I had the worst habits I dont want to go back to it. I want to make this semester an easier one for me, one where I am not always stressed out and over whelmed . I need to find a balance between my work, school, sports. A work life balance if you will! It isn't easy but I need to priorities what is important to me. Working is always good because it brings in money, working out is my "me time" which is not something I want to compromise on, school is a permanent focus - I need to make more time to socialize though instead of always just chilling in my apartment, or sleeping - I need to be okay with making time to be around people that add to my life.

See in 2021 we are not watering dead plants, we are not watering people who dont water us back! We are not going to be packages delivered at the wrong house if you catch my drift. We are about being delivered to the right people, who deliver right back to us! WE are not allowing ourselves to be drained, used, and left empty by people who dont fill our cup up just like we fill theres. It is about doing what is best for us, we have to look out for ourselves instead of looking out for everyone else! It is true if you aren't there for yourself, no one else will be, yourself is the best and primary person to have in your corner!

Remember it is okay to rest, it is okay to take a step back and not socialize, it is okay to do what you need to do to recharge your battery and to refill your cup. Just dont pass anything by and dont say no all the time - have those experiences and adventures they are important and memorable!

If there is something you want to say yes to in 2021 what would it be? What is something you do for yourself daily that you won't give up? If you could give yourself any bit of advise in regard to self care and putting yourself first what would it be?