That's a Wrap 2020

Thursday, December 31s, 2020 (New Year's Eve '20)

Things were very different a year ago and I mean more than just covid. I think it is important to look beyond covid and reflect on 2020, before moving into 2021. This year has been challenging to say the least, more so than just worrying about a pandemic that surrounds us. It is hard not to be consumed by fear, pandemonium, and the news. I've been putting off the self-reflection I've needed to heal, but what better way to deal with it than today. There is no need to bring baggage with us into the new year.

This morning I woke up, determined not to let the memory of what today brought impact me. This year has been a year of consuming emotions, pain, and growth. The main thing I will be taking away from the year is that, "healing isn't lateral". As much as we want it to be a one size fits all model, it isn't - and that's okay. People heal differently, and what they say about healing is true - it takes time ... it simply just takes time.

So today, on what would have been a milestone, marking our first date - I willed myself to get out of bed. See as much as I want to sit here and say this person hasn't impacted me or changed me in the last year, well I couldn't because that would be a lie. A year ago, I picked this person up from his home, drove us to "The Sitting Duck Tavern" in Trumbull, we had lunch, spent the whole afternoon talking, then he went to work - and I went to church. We met back up later that night and celebrated New Year’s Eve together, and thus began our relationship. It's taken me a while ... a long while to stop viewing thing out of rose-colored glasses if you will. There were issues, red flags that I was more than willing to overlook, because it felt good to be needed by someone, other than myself. (and I am strong enough to admit that now)

It's been a long journey, for the longest time I couldn't wear a sweatshirt I had given him because it hurt too much, but now I don’t associate him wearing it anymore, and I'm able to sleep in it again. Don't get me wrong, I still miss him, but I've learned its okay to miss someone. The hardest thing I realized this year is that mourning someone who is still alive is harder than mourning someone who has passed. Sit with that for a moment, think about it, and let it sink in. When you mourn someone who has passed, there is a defiant end, there are no more "one mores". Mourning someone who is alive is so much more difficult. The fact that you can run into them, see something they have posted, or contact them without a response is hard to sit with. Today, instead of allowing the overwhelming sadness to consume me, I did something I've known I've needed to do, but just haven't done.

I was determined to make new memories, to walk in my shoes a year ago and reflect why it was so important for me to hold on to memories of someone, who - made it clear how easy it was to erase me from his life. I went to the gym this morning like every other day, that is something I wasn't willing to sacrifice, because it is important to me. The goal of today was to take the advice someone suggested, and finally do it. They told me to go to a memorable location and sit there with the thought that he isn't in my life at the moment anymore. I was sacred, I kept finding reasons not to leave the gym this morning, one more set, or oh that area is empty I could go do this or that. Trust me I had finished my lift, and I was just picking things that weren't on the schedule as a way to prolong leaving.

I finally left, went home, showered, changed, and headed to my destination. So, that's where I am, I'm here now - sitting in the location writing this. Truly submerging and subjecting myself to feel all the emotions I have been denying, avoiding, and not wanting to work through. So, any guesses as to where I am or what I'm doing? (I'll give you a hint, no I'm not seeing him, I'm not even communicating with him, and I did not go to his house --- which is impossible anyway since he moved at the end of the summer) I'm sitting at the restaurant we had our first date at, I took myself out to lunch, to sit at a table by myself, eat a meal, and reflect on why I've been so scared to come back to this place. As soon as I parked the car my chest was tight with anxiety, and I couldn't understand it, it’s a building - why was I so nervous. I asked for a table for one and was presented at the table in front of the table we sat at for our date, I nearly shit my pants thinking I'd be sitting in the same seat from a year ago, but I was thankful that wasn't the case.

I sat down, pulled out my laptop and started to look through the menu, see I wasn't sure if I was going to just order what we had and recreate a new memory or if I was going to do something else. And well, I did just that. While it was great sharing steak tips, and porgies .... seeing as you ordered for us to share those things, I chose to order the tomato soup and grilled cheese that I wanted to order a year ago but just couldn't find my voice to say I didn't really wanna share what you wanted to get. But, anyway - While I was ordering my hands were shaking, I had this crippling fear that coming here was a bad idea - but that makes no sense - 1) it isn't like you'd show up because that’s not logical or realistic and 2) dates, milestones, and events mean more to woman that most men - so you probably weren't phased at all by what day or what memory today would signify. I'm still anxious sitting here, and it hasn't gotten any easier, as I eat my lunch, and it’s crazy that a location could have me flooded with emotions.

I am strong enough to admit that you left a mark on me. You taught me that I can't help everyone, no matter how hard I try or how much I want someone to get better, to do better. This year I have learned first-hand is that someone has to want to change, they have to want to get better. You can give someone all the tools they need, but that doesn't mean they will succeed if they don't want to. Some people are okay being stagnate where they are, and that is fine. That was my biggest lesson this year, is you could have the best intentions for someone - but that doesn't mean they have those same intentions for themselves.

I have learned that when I love someone, I love them with everything I have, it is consuming and I'm okay with that, but the lesson for me is to love someone who gives you that same love back. If someone isn't matching your energy you should adjust because there is no reason to give everything in the tank, because once you do that you have nothing else to give yourself and running on empty isn't effective. I have learned that someone who isn't healed has no business getting into a relationship and that looking at the red flags in the beginning are critical. While I am the type of person to put up with a lot of things, and a lot more than most - that doesn't mean I should, or that I should have to.

I don't know what the future holds, I don't know who is meant to be in my life, people come and go all the time - what I do know is we can always learn something from those who come and go. We never know how long we have with someone, but they have been put in our lives for a reason. For me I see that I have learned a lot this year, I have grown from all that I have experienced, while I wish I did more growing than I did - who's to say I didn't grow enough. No one walks in my shoes, so no one knows how I feel, what I'm thinking, or how I process what I go through. While people view it from the outside, they should not be passing judgement, because who is to say they know how they would have acted if they were wearing these shoes.

2020 was hard, it was a year of really high highs, and really low lows. It was a year that started off with love, and a partnership. But it quickly turned into a competition to where my partner would project their insecurities and past baggage on to me. It turned into an environment where trust didn't exist, and I was constantly being questioned and blamed for things. For those who have been in that situation before - just know it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with that person not healing themselves - where they are projecting their insecurities and past baggage on to you because of the misfortune another individual has caused. Take it from me, a relationship isn't going to be successful if someone can't let go of their ex - if they are constantly comparing the two of you - it isn't a space you want to be in. The relationship has been tainted from the beginning - you aren't their ex; you are your own person - and you should have the benefit of the doubt going into the relationship that you have a fair chance for it to work out.

I wasn't lucky enough to have that chance, from the get-go I was compared to a woman whom I was nothing like. I'm the type of person to trust someone until they give me a reason not to trust them, trust is earned not given, but there I no reason not to trust someone if they haven't given you a reason not to. For me, I learned that my partner didn't trust me at all, I made one choice and to him it was the end of the world. He blew up the situation and made it something it wasn't. It didn't matter what I did or what I said, there was no way I was going to connivence him otherwise since his mind was made up. It was his defense mechanism- push me away, blow it out of proportion and end a good thing now, rather than later on. I took responsibility for my part in it, but he wouldn't take any form of responsibility for his part in why I was insecurity and questioned things he did.

In the last year I've seen what I don’t want out of a relationship, I know what I won't put up with, and I know to trust my gut and pay attention to the red flags when I see them. That doesn't mean I hate this person, that doesn't mean I wish him any ill will. It just means I wish I was given a fair chance. I wish I had an opportunity to show them what genuine love is, what it looks and feels like. Because everyone deserves to experience it. But some people aren't ready to feel things, they aren't ready to work on the issues they have. Instead, they are content with stewing in it - and being complacent, and that is fine that works for some people.

I on the other hand am not one of those people. This year was a year of challenges, a year of firsts, a year of doing things I never thought I'd do. Being quarantined with my family back in my hometown, while going through a breakup was such a hard time. March-June the silence was defining, there were moments where my mental health wasn’t doing great, and being home, isolated wasn’t helping. I didn’t have my coping mechanisms which is exercising as an outlet. And it was so much harder to process what I was internally feeling since my heart was breaking. But I made do and managed, I allowed myself to feel and to experience the emotions that were so raw.

Due to the pandemic gyms were closed March - June so what did I do ... I took up running, SHOCKING I know since everyone who knows me knows I hate running. But I needed to do something otherwise I was going to lose my mind. In the month of June, I ran 170 miles, I bought running shoes and in the month of July on the anniversary of my grandfather passing I ran a half marathon in his honor. The gym saved my life, people used to say that, and I didn't know what they meant but, now I do. When I'm anxious or depressed I go to the gym, I work out 2-3 hours a day, and I'm back to normal. I sleep better - I get a solid 8 hours of sleep a night, I go to bed at a reasonable hour, I wake up rested, and I get after it and start the day - I don't linger in bed anymore. The gym is my time to be in silence, to focus on better myself both mentally and physically. The process is slow and doesn’t happen overnight, I may not be where I want to be, but I am getting there. I am getting myself daily getting closer to my goals. Health and wellbeing is mind body and soul, I focus on my mental physical and spiritual needs and those are things I won’t put on the back burner.

I only drink water, occasionally juice here and there but the biggest change going into 2021 is that I'm living my life dry, sober, without alcohol. I saw first-hand what alcoholism did to someone I love and deeply care about. I saw that it didn't matter how much I cared for him, that he didn't care for himself nearly that much. I saw the effects of being a functioning dependent - and that isn't something I want, especially with the high rate of alcoholism in the profession I am entering.

This year I graduated from my undergraduate, I graduated on time, despite transferring. I got into law school, and I successfully completed my first semester of law school so far. What I'm most proud of is the fact that continuing my line of unconventional education - I have been able to continue being a division 3 athlete and I get to run out my time as a distance swimmer where I am attending law school. Which means my first two years of undergrad I was abroad in London living, traveling experiencing, my second two years of undergrad I transferred, moved to a new city and walked on to the swim team after being away from the sport for two years, and now I'm able to swim for my first two years of law school, leaving my final year to get ready for the bar. Like I said earlier, everything happens for a reason and I was meant to have the opportunity to continue doing what I love. Being a student, athlete, and employee is what drives balance into my life. I am able to get everything I need done, and still have time to myself.

It means so much to me to be able to swim, especially after how my season "ended" in February. My partner at the time was MIA, on a bender, and I was worried something bad happened to him after not talking to him for a week, I wasn't focused on my races, races I had been training for so hard all season, and I blew it. I threw it all away posting shit times, not focused, because I couldn't sleep, I wasn't eating, and there was no way for me to perform at the level I should have - because I was busy being distracted - and that shows you just how much I care. I am a selfless person, when I give, I give everything I can - but at that moment I gave too much, and I left myself disappointed because I didn't give back to myself since I was too busy giving to others.

This year I have learned how to let go of friendships that no longer serve me, that I was putting in most of the effort for. I have learned how to cut people off who take advantage of me and my kindness. Though that isn't easy. I not only lost a relationship this year, but I also lost a close friendship as well at the same time. Communication and trust seemed to be a common theme between both of them not working out. But while I lost a friendship that I feel like I just outgrew, I gained meaningful friendships in the like-minded peers I go to law school with. They get it, what else is there to say - law school is a job, we sacrifice a lot, and some people demand more from us than we can give them at that time because they are lacking understanding of our situation. Sometimes you outgrow friends, but you need time apart and then you grow back together so who is to say friendships are lost permanently. Nothing is definite friends come back if it meant to be but it is common to outgrow people who aren’t growing with you, don’t feel guilty. You can't always be the one person apologizing or trying to fix it and make something work. Both people need to admit the part they played and work through it, if they can't than there is no way to fix it.

This year has been a year of ups and downs, of growth, of pain, but it has been a year where I learned a lot about those who are in my life who matter, those who will always be around no matter what. I learned a lot about myself and what I will and will not put up with. I learned a lot about what I need, what I want, and what I need to avoid. I have put myself first for the first time, I go to therapy to deal with my anxiety and depression, I go to the gym because it is "me time", I journal because it is the easiest way to clear my mind, I got closer to my faith not only by going to church, but by reading the Bible and praying every night, I have taken time to self-reflect, to build myself, and to have a solid foundation for when the time is right to let someone else into my life. This year I learned its okay to be alone, I mean hey, I'm sitting in a restaurant alone on New Year’s Eve eating lunch by myself, and there is something peaceful about sitting with my thoughts and feelings and not having to explain myself to other people.

This year I gained a friend, who is like the little sister I never had, it is nice to help someone go through what I had gone through, but instead of going through it alone they have someone they can confided in. I have learned that I am not only a good listener, but I like to share my life experience, and help others so they don't have to go through everything I have. While life is all about experiences, and some lessons are better to be learned on one’s own, if you can help someone not go down the same road you did - sometimes that is the best thing.

I think the best thing that came out of 2020 was at the end of July I finished a second round of radiation, and found out the cancer was completely gone, and it wasn't something I was going to have to worry about. Life is a long process, and that is what this year was - a process. A process of me opening my heart to someone, letting them into my life, learning that I don't want to do all the work to fit someone else life, I want them to fit mine as well, life is about give and take -- and I defiantly gave more and the person defiantly took more, and that isn't a good balance. 2020 was a year of hardship, growth, reflection, but it was also a year of hope.

Hope for the future. I am a believer that nothing is permanent. Everything happens for a reason, if it was meant to be it will be. People come and go all the time, but who's to say people don’t come back - because we all know they do. But don’t sit around waiting for them to come back, live your life. Live life as if all you have is today. Tomorrow isn't promised, and yesterday has already passed and you can’t change what has already happened. You don’t know if you will get to wake up tomorrow, so live today like it’s all you have because that is all that is guaranteed. Tell someone how you feel, reach out, but then move on - keep moving forward don’t dwell. I ran into someone at the gym I haven't seen in two years, and we talked like no time had passed. Life is funny like that -people come in and out when you aren't expecting it, do what you can and make the most of it,

Healing isn’t linear, the other day I sat in my room and read through my old text messages from my ex revisiting our conversations, while I miss him and what we had it wasn’t healthy, so I deleted them, because there is no reason to sit in your room and cry over something you can’t change, and I learned that because I lived it. When I’m at school I’m always busy, it’s when I’m home that it hits me, and that’s okay to be sad and effected by it, but you don’t want to stay in that state of mind too long. That’s why I go to the gym or I surround myself with my best friends because no matter how moody I am, they always bring me happiness. They also don’t judge me on my bad days, they try and help me sort through it and move forward, and I am forever grateful for them I would be lost without them.

I don't erase people from my life, instead I delete our messages so I can’t harp on what I can’t change, I put our pictures in an album and I hide them, so I don’t see them all the time, I don’t search you on social media, and if I do need to contact you I do it with a purpose. I understand the importance of no contact and being able to have space to separate emotions. Sitting at this table, paying my bill I feel a sense of solace. A wave of peace has washed over me. I know there wasn't anything else I could have done, and I can’t change things. All I can do is live my life moving forward the best I can. There will be things that remind me of you, I'll hear something I know you would have said, and I'll get to be at peace knowing I had known you, that we had crossed paths in this world, and that you changed me .... hopefully as much as I like to think I changed you. You might not realize it now, in the future, or ever but people who are willing to do anything for you, who want to see you succeed, and would selflessly do any and everything they could for you - it’s rare. So next time take a moment to appreciate what you have when you have it, it doesn't come around often. Sometimes we only get one blessing and one gift like that in our lifetimes, and then we spend the rest of our lives looking for it in other people.

If you take anything away from this and with you in 2021 – I want you to learn how to romanticize your life, you need to have main character energy. My friends love to tell me that they love that I look at life, and things that happen like a plot from a movie. Take that as you will but I think it is powerful. If you are able to look at life as a plot, where you see the ups and downs of lessons learned, the good, the bad, and how far you’ve come it’s amazing actually. Look at where you were a year ago and see how far you’ve come. Keep the mindset that you are the main character of your life and write the story you’d be proud to have someone tell and make a movie out of it. Life is crazy but setting aside the craziness you deserve to be happy. Keep growing, keep focusing on yourself, and bettering yourself. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to be, trust the process – and believe me 2021 will be a year of health and a year of growth, you just have to be willing to accept it, and let it come into your life with open arms. Be willing to see what this new year has to offer you, you never know what it has in store – just don’t hold yourself back, and don’t be living in the past, trust me … there is nothing for you in the past, since you can’t change anything about it – always move forward, keep your head held high, and remember to find a reason to smile, no matter how small of a reason, there is always one.

Lord I have forgotten how much I love writing, I am so thankful that I could come back to it whenever I need it. One thing I have done, was neglect my blog - but my goal is to consistently write and put out content in the new year to keep everyone on their toes and to have thought provoking content that allows other people to think, feel, and reflect - taking something away from reading my work and adding to their life.

You can't change anything, but - what would be the one thing you wish you could bring with you in the New Year, if there were no obstacles in your way?