The Drive

Saturday, January 16th, 2021

( I fell asleep before posting this last night ... we traveling, unpacking, working .. twas alot to balance )

Waking up at 6 am, was rough because I didn't get to sleep till after midnight but it is what it is. I was able to swing by my favorite place before I went back to Springfield. I got to the gym right as they opened at 7 am, was able to stretch and do 6 out of the 9 exercises in my lift. I was able to bang it all out in 1.5 hours and I was proud I made the time and prioritized working out. I've always been at peace at the gym, it gives me a clear perspective, makes me feel stronger, and plus the "morning skinny" lasts longer. It's always nice being able to have that "me time" that I need to better myself and clear my head!

Following that, I went back home to have my phone holder installed and to grab my last 2 bags with laundry and the groceries I bought that needed to be refrigerated. Packed up the car, said goodbye to my mom, dad, and brother .... grandma had already left even though the night before I said I'd be back at 9 so she shouldn't leave to run errands till then, but its okay we had said goodbye before hand!

I got on the road but had to make one very important stop first. I went to Dylans house to say goodbye. It's what we do when we cant get in our"final workout" together. When you've been best friends as long as we have it feels like our other half is leaving. If I could find what I have with my Gay best friend than my life would be complete - but men have a-lot to compete with since Dylan is a man who can teach others a lesson on how a woman should be treated and talked to. Anyway Dylan and I had one of our great driveway chats, he checked out Mabel ( my new car ) and than I popped inside his house to use the bathroom before leaving to hop on the high way we run into his dad.

I hadn't see Dylans dad in quite a while, the last time I visibly remember seeing Dylans dad was at our high school graduation June 2016. But anyway, when I was driving on the highway I got a text from Dylan about a conversation his dad had with him, telling him he didn't recognize me and that he thought I looked so good. I really needed that! I felt like that was such a kind thing to say Especially because I have been bettering myself and trying to work hard on being a better version of myself and the hard work is paying off.

When I got on the high way I started thinking of the time my ex picked me up and drove me back to Boston last year and I cried a little because it was a weird feeling. Plus it was the first time I was driving myself back to school instead of my parents dropping me off so it gave me time to think, reflect, listen to music. I was feeling emotions and that was good but than I had a sing along and the mood was lifted. I got back to Gateway around 11:15 which gave me about a half an hour to unpack Mabel, so I chose to take out the groceries first. I'm glad I cleaned the apartment before leaving so I didn't have much to do when I came back. I put what needed to be in the fridge away and then I left for work. I was scheduled from 12-6 but the center really was open till 5 so we all got to leave at 4:45 so I'm not complaining. Then I went back to the "Shacks" as we call them and I finished unpack the car, I made sure to pack the car room by room so I can organize by section. Thus, I was unpacking it that way and throwing out boxes as I went so I didn't feel overwhelmed by the "project" that is was.

I then went and took a shower, and got dressed up to go out. It was nice to do my hair and makeup for the first time in a month, and to wear a dress for the first time well since New Years Eve, but before that I hadn't had worn a dress prior besides for my graduation photos. Its a weird concept I used to wear dresses all the time, but somewhere along the way - I think I convinced myself that I shouldn't wear dresses because of the weigh I had put on. But that isn't true, and it is nice to dress up and feel the "feminine side".

It was the first night that I had been put in a setting that other people where drinking but I wasn't. It is my own choice not to drink, and a choice that I am really proud of because I didn't feel pressured to drink and everyone else was cool with it ... well see I had my tumbler, and I filled it with tomato juice, lemon juice, and a bit of salt. I didn't want people to feel weird of uncomfortable that I wasn't drinking so when I got there I told them I was drinking a Bloody Mary .... told trick no on would question it. After when I was leaving I had a conversation with my friend who walked me to my car about what I had going on and it was so nice to have someone listen. And I got a hug out of it, which I didn't realize I needed but I needed. See I dont want to have negative implications in my life, and removing alcohol has helped because I feel like I think clearer and I communicate better and I'm not trying to over compensated for things in my life.

I'm trying to do better and be better. It stems from not being treated well in the past. I never want to not feel like a priority, and I never want to come second to someones addiction again. I'm such an empathetic person that it took me forever to stop internalizing it as my fault or my problem to handle. When it isn't because it was my choice it was their decision impacting my life, his life, our life. So this is me - using time to heal, make difference choices and decisions moving forward in life, and doing things differently so I dont look past the red flags, that I am a stronger version of myself, and I dont break. See people dont put people back together - I put myself back together and I am proud of that ... I will never let someone tear me down or break me again because of all the time and focus I have invested in myself. And that is on growth.

For those in the back, dont settle for less or the bare minimum- you deserve the world and for someone to be all about you - meeting you half way giving you the same energy you give them back. What is something you dont regret going through because it got you to where you are now? What is something you would never allow yourself to go through again? Have you thought about what you should say to that person if you had the chance to?