Gratitude

Friday, January 08th, 2021

Have you ever taken a moment to look at your life and where you are in the moment? I did today. Today I woke up super tired, sore, achy from working out so much and I couldn't find the motivation or energy to get up. I allowed myself to sleep in, and then I wondered around the house for a bit before I finally convinced myself to get dressed and some what ready to head to the gym. See for those who have been apart of this journey, and those who are new to it - I struggle with letting go. I find it so hard to "slip up" because I hold myself accountable, and to a high standard, I dont want to let myself down or let other people see me fail. I want to be one of those people where I can go through life like it's nothing and be the person other people can lean on and confide in. I dont want to be seen as weak, or someone who needs to vent about pointless things. I'm the independent woman who takes everything on herself because I want to be able to figure it out, thats how I've always been.

When people say "the gym saved their life" they aren't lying to you. The gym not only saved my life - it changed my life. It is hard for me to go a day without going - why you may ask? 1) because I feel guilty missing out on an opportunity to better myself and 2) because I am afraid of the gyms closing again. I dont know about you but March 2020 - June 2020 was such a difficult time for me. 1) mainly because it was the longest I had gone without a physical outlet the pools were closed, the gyms were closed ... it was a time where I couldn't "escape". I was also dealing with my first "adult" heart break ... well my first heart break out of my teens. It was painful not having a place to escape to. The gym has always been my escape, my safe haven. The place I go when I am overwhelmed, when I need to think, clear my head - a place I can release my anxiety and wipe away my depression. There is something about the gym that just changes my mood.

Some days are harder than others 1) even get up out of bed and 2) get your ass to the gym. But for me I am always happy once I get there and am able to get my body moving. See thats the thing half the battle is getting there to the gym. For me as soon as I pull into the gym parking lot I feel at home, a sense of calming piece washes over me. It is my safe place to escape from what is bothering me, it is a place where I rarely run into people I know - or who know me... at this stage in my life. If I run into someone I knew in high school I dont stress, they know the old me the 19 year old who was insecure, they dont know the strong 23 year old me ... they may think they know me, but in reality they know an old version of me. They haven't gotten to know the upgrade, the new model. So what they think of me doesnt matter. See everyone is at the gym for one reason and that is to better themself, that is to make themselves a strong, healthier, version. They aren't trying to impress anyone.

If I'm having a shitty day, the gym instantly makes me feel better - see it is a release, making my muscles sore - that is pain leaving my body and replacing it with new energy. I am grateful that I found the gym, see before the gym my only escape was the pool, and the pool is amazing swimming laps upon laps with nothing but me and the black line - thinking constantly with thoughts racing through my head. But, the gym is a new type of energy it is a place that I can feel like a bad ass, because men still have a stupid connotation that lifting is only a male thing - and I love walking over to the weight section of the gym that is full of toxic masculinity and just banging out rep after rep. When I'm at the gym I feel like I have this purpose - the purpose is to do better to be better. I am there taking control of my life - bettering myself. I am working toward my goals I am working toward a happier healthy life - I am making lifestyle changes and commitments to myself - I only answer to myself I am holding myself accountable and it feels great.

I might not see progress yet, but I know weeks / months down the line I will see progress and I wall be thankful I kept pushing myself and grinding it out. I will be able to thank "past" me for turning present me into the woman I am. Just because you feel like you standing still doesnt mean you aren't moving forward. You are always moving forward even if it is inches forward - you are putting yourself in a better position everyday. Dont compare your growth to other people, because your journey is personal to you - plus progress isn't linear! It is measured differently for different people.

I am grateful for my friends and family who keep a smile on my face, for caring about not only how I am doing physically and health wise - but for checking in with me mentally. It is little things like that, which mean so much to someone and you dont even realize it. I am grateful to have a best friend who keeps me smiling, who gets how I'm feeling an helps me express it, she always makes me feel heard and she isn't judgmental she listens, offers advice - but never leaves me feeling like I am not valid. There is so much in life to be grateful for - have you taken the time recently to acknowledged what you are grateful for? Have you told someone lately that you appreciate them? See - you know how much you'd appreciate it if someone told you those things, so how about you be selfless and act - and give that feeling to someone special in your life.

You dont always have to be grateful for a person, you can be grateful for a thing or a place - I am grateful for the gym to have a safe place, to have a release - see my mom thinks I'm addicted to the gym, and find if thats how she sees it. but for me I feel like there are worse things to be addicted to - if she is right that I am addicted to the gym than I am guilty of bettering myself, growing, being mentally clear in thoughts - and I am living a powerful lifestyle. Trust me! there are worse things to be addicted to - and being physically active and getting my body moving in a healthy balance way is not one of them. I do need to find a healthy work life balance - but for now I like this me time - time I dont sacrifice for anything because it is what is important to me at the moment it helps balance me out. Dont try and take something away from someone that keeps them grounded, that makes them happy and keeps them safe - it could be the one thing holding them together as their solid foundation, you never know.