Release

Sunday, January 10th, 2021

Today I felt like I released a huge weight off my shoulders. I looked at myself in the mirror and I smiled for the first time in a long time realizing that I've let go. I've let go of the pain, the hurt, the over thinking what ifs. I'm no longer prisoner to the questions that race through my mind when I am trying to go to bed. See, life is hard - but you dont want to make it harder than it needs to be. I release all the things I cant control. I can't control how other people treat people, but I can control how I treat people. I cant control other peoples thoughts but I can control mine, Most importantly I cant control other peoples actions but I can control mine.

See - Change happens within, I want to be able to put a little bit of happiness back into the world, and it starts with me. Each day I am in charge of my own behavior, my own thoughts, my own actions. So I make it a point to be nice to everyone I meet, you never know who you are going to run into or what they are personally going through. I never want to add to someones situation. So whenever I am at the gym I take a moment to personally hold the door for someone, compliment someone in the locker room, or tell someone something encouraging while they are on the green turf. It is something small but I hope it makes a difference and brights there day, or helps encourage them to keep pushing and working toward their goals. What I love about the gym is that it is a safe place, ever person is there to better themselves, they may have different goals but the reason they are at the gym is to be better. It is for them to be active in someway, and it doesnt matter what way - all that matters is they out there moving their body!

I feel a release of having to carry on conversations that aren't serving me. I have no problem telling someone I dont want to continue seeing them or talking further. I dont want to waste my time, or theirs. I dont want to string anyone along, and I'd hope they have the same courtesy. I dont want to keep toxic people in my life. I also dont want to have one sided relationships. I put effort and energy into the people who give me that same focus and effort back. You won't find me entertaining anyone or anything that disrespects or belittles me - and that is because I know my worth I know what I deserve and I will not be settling for less. Something I am most proud of is I no longer "do messy" I dont engage with anyone who doesnt have there sit "seemingly" together. In all honesty none of us how our shit together, but most of us keep it together and fake it till we make it. We appear to have our lives together. I dont have time for people who make excuses, who leave when things get difficult, and I sure as hell do not put up with people who aren't focused on growing and bettering themselves.

Aside from feeling released from my negative mental chains I as a person gave myself. I really started to notice that affirmations make a huge difference. I feel like I look happier just by making one change, and that change was to be nicer and kinder to myself. Smiling more, giving myself compliments - they mean more coming from myself rather than hearing them from someone else. Plus I'm a bad bitch with big dick energy only - I have no time to entertain toxic masculinity or someone else's insecurities- we all have insecurities I just choose to embrace me, love who I am and the skin im in - and I dont put myself down. The one thing that pisses me off the most is hearing someone say "they are out of my league" honey child - shut the fuck up! There is no such thing as a league, its a made up construct made up by people who put labels out there to put people down. You think someones attractive go say hi - do something about it, why? Because they dont know you, fuck it - if it doesnt work out and they dont want to engage in conversation, 1) it is there loss they are missing out 2) you have no regrets you shot your shot and you didn't sit there self sabotage and let an opportunity in life pass you by.

Today though was not all candy and rainbows. Seee I was in such a rush this morning to get to the gym that I forgot to take my medicine - for those who dont know my story two years ago I was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer and I had my thyroid parathyroid and 15 lymph nodes removed in my neck and my throat - thus resulting in my having to take a synthetic medicine everyday for the rest of m life so I can live and function. I usually take it when I wake up because I cant eat breakfast till 1 hour post medicine. Well I left to go to the gym at 10, and I was finishing my workout around 1:30 when I started to feel really weird, my muscles were tight, my head hurt, I felt dizzy, my vision was a bit blurry. I went to the locker room and ate the piece of candy I keep in my back pack for when I need an extra rush while lifting if the pre workout starts to ware off - thinking my blood sugar might just be low. I go back to finish my last exercise which was 3 rounds of 18 chin ups ... well after the first round I had to stop and sit down to catch myself. I finished and than left to get home. The sun while driving was making me nauseous - I got home and thought needed to eat I walk in my room to get something and I see my meds sitting on my dresser, which explains so much. But at this point im starving but I have to wait an hour before I eat so my solution was to take a shower which while it relaxed my muscles but not my mind.

I got out of the shower and laid down on the couch till I could make lunch which was around 315 but I did it. I survived, I had a long fasting period and I didn't die, so it was a good time. I make these jokes because it is how I deal with the fact that I put myself in a bad situation. I thought I had taken my medicine but I guess I didn't - and that was the first time in nearly 2 years I forgot to take it - well at least now I know the implications of doing so!

Anyway moral of the day - let bad shit go, we dont need that. Literally life is too short, there isn't enough hours in the day! You can be the whole package an still argive at the wrong address. So dont go crying yourself to sleep tonight because you actually got delivered to the wrong location. Trust the journey you're gonna get to the right place!

What is one thing you can do selflessly to make someones day, something small that is thoughtful, and free? What is stopping you from being the change you want to see in the world around you?